Tag Archives: World Cup

World Cup Latest: Glasgow in the grip of England fever

 

braveheart world cup

Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold

 

 

With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland

Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.

We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.

Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.

“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.

“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!

In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.

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Time traveller JFK knew that Geoff Hurst’s shot crossed the line in ’66 World Cup, released documents reveal

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Absolutely miles over. Hurst slams in Englands decisive and totally legit 3rd goal in ’66

Previously hidden documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy, have revealed that Kennedy built a time machine in his shed at The White House and had used it to travel forward in time to 1966 where he attended the World Cup Final between England and West Germany.

When Kennedy arrived back he wrote in his diary that Geoff Hurst’s hotly disputed winning goal in extra time had definitely crossed the line “by at least a foot”

The document now proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Hurst’s wonder strike was a legitimate goal and should finally put a stop to the Germans constantly going on about it.

The world’s media have now accepted the news, apart from The Scotsman newspaper, who have dubbed the findings, ‘fake news’ and have referred to Kennedy as a ‘sad loser’ in today’s editorial.

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“We’ll Stage World Cup On Olly Murs’s Big Face”: Sports Minister.

olly

“I gotta big face!”

For this and other tales of pop singer largesse, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!world-cup-olly/c1k5a

Could be a worthwhile plan on the face of it.

Parental Advisory Note: This skit contains abject grammar, hurtful gags about somebody’s personal appearance and an enormous spam forehead.

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German World Cup Reveller Invades Poland In Shopping Trolley

nazis

Delighted German fans greet the victorious german team coach outside Nuremberg airport

 

Polish authorities last night revealed that following Germany’s victory in Sunday’s World Cup final, a drunken fan was pushed across the border in a shopping trolley while his mates stood and cheered.

The un-named 23 year old male, later apologised and took on 3 Polish immigrants to work for slave wages, building a new conservatory at his home in Bavaria.

There were also unsubstantiated reports that a Borussia Dortmund fan attempted to annexe The Sudetenland following the match, while a celebrating Stuttgart season ticket holder reportedly walked slowly down a line of kneeling, elderly Jews, shooting each one in the back of the head.

More harsh and uncalled-for xenophobia in just a few moments.

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Dutch Scientists Record World’s Longest Ever Sullen Silence As Germans Lift Trophy

dutch scientist

A Dutch scientist pictured putting a brave face on it last night

 

Scientists from The Netherlands last night reported a resigned, disappointed silence across the entire country lasting well over 5 hours, a new world record, following Germany’s triumph in the World Cup final in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.

The silence, which they claim began immediately after the final whistle, tops the previous record of four hours and fifty seven minutes previously held by Scotland after England beat West Germany to lift the trophy in June 1966.

A representative from The Netherlands Institute Of Science And Technology said last night “Look why don’t you just piss off? We don’t want to talk about it ok?”

In England however there was a huge upsurge in noise shortly after the match ended, believed to be due to thousands of women starting their car engines to take their cats to the vets to be treated for kick-related injuries.

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Nazi War Criminal In Quandary Over World Cup Final Loyalty

nazi

Grost pictured in happier times in July 1944

 

A notorious Nazi war criminal who escaped justice by fleeing to Argentina after the second world war ended, has expressed mixed feelings with regard to his preference as to the outcome of Sunday’s world cup final between his adopted nation, and Germany, the country of his birth.

Miguel De La Concepcion, formerly Helmut Grost, now aged 97, was charged with crimes against humanity and was convicted in his absence at The Nuremburg Trials in 1945 where he was sentence to be hanged.

Speaking from his comfortable bungalow on the outskirts of Buenos Aires, he told our reporter “I’m absolutely torn to be honest with you. On the one hand I swore allegiance to The Third Reich and spent many happy years organising pogroms against the Jews and persecuting the sub-human Slavic dogs before the war. I was also one of Hitler’s most trusted aides and a co-conspirator  when the party devised  The Final Solution. On the other hand Argentina has become a second home to me through the years and I’m pretty loathe to root for their opponents so to speak. To be honest I’m tempted to give the game a miss and just have a quiet game of cards with Dr Mengele and The Beast Of Belsen instead”

Press Association

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American Soccer Fan Arrested And Beaten To Death For Appreciating Move By Opposing Team

cops

Two Miami cops preparing to maim anybody with a German surname before tonight’s USA v Germany clash

 

There was widespread condemnation across the globe last night as news emerged that a 45 year old man had been arrested and then beaten to death in a Miami jail cell after being reported to the police for expressing his appreciation of a shot at goal by Portuguese striker Christiano Ronaldo in a local bar during the world cup clash between USA and Portugal last week.

Fellow drinkers called the cops after Dwight Kincaid from Miami Beach, Florida was heard to exclaim “Hey that was a pretty neat effort guys!” after the Portuguese ace struck the crossbar from 30 yards during the clash.

A spokesman for the Florida Police Dept said last night “Hey shit happens man. The disloyal sonofabitch had it comin’ anyways. USA!…USA!…USA!

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Feature Drunken England Fan

subbuteo box

“Let me out of the f*****g box! I’ve just finished me last can of Tennant’s Super!”

In what is being seen as a ground breaking move , table football icons, Subbuteo, last night announced that they will be including a drunken England supporter in their World Cup edition which is being launched later today.

A spokesman for the company told reporters.

“We at Subbuteo think it’s important to reflect all the aspects and nuances of the modern game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a model depicting an English fan who has quite clearly had too much to drink.

“To authenticate the staggering gait of a boozed-up supporter we have abandoned our usual rounded base design for this model, in favour of an irregular, octagonal affair, so that when the figure is flicked forward in the time-honoured Subbuteo style, it will veer around alarmingly and probably topple over, simulating the behaviour of somebody who is so drunk they don’t know if they want a shit or a haircut.

“During matches, the figure can be laid down outside the stadium with his Union Jack shorts around his ankles, remaining there for the duration of the game, before returning unsteadily to the box about 4 hours after the final whistle.

“The deluxe model will feature a very realistic small plastic turd which can be placed inside the shorts to replicate a person so inebriated that they’ve lost control of their bodily functions. This version will also feature a replica jail cell and 3 uniformed, foreign police officers holding long night sticks, who can be flicked towards the imprisoned fan as he lies unconscious on the cell floor simulating a good beating by anti-English cops.

Whilst being widely welcomed by table soccer enthusiasts, there were some detractors who voiced concerns last night. A spokesman for the “Please Drink Sensibly” organisation told us

“Yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! Yer fuckin’ fuck! I’ll tek the fucking lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”

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Vatican Offer To Stage 2022 World Cup

pope francis

“Over ‘ere son. On me ‘ead!”

In a surprise move, The Vatican has offered to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup should the tournament be taken from it’s proposed hosts, Quatar, following claims that bribery and corruption was rife during the bidding process in December 2010.

A Vatican spokesman said last night “In the event that wrongdoing can be proven and the 2002 World Cup Finals have to be moved to another host country, we  would be more than delighted to stage the tournament here in and around Vatican City. After all we have a wonderful climate, conducive to playing good, free-flowing football, our reputation for honesty and integrity is second to none, and perhaps, even more importantly, we have the financial wherewithal to build the infrastructure and stadia that a great spectacle like this deserves.

“Lastly of course, we would welcome the influx of visitors from all over the world with open arms, particularly all those enthusiastic, fresh-faced football loving, young boys, and in some cases, girls too I suppose”

Reuters.

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12 Years An England Fan: Football Association Hit By Bonded Slavery Storm

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Two “uppity” Sheffield Wednesday fans pictured last night in Greg Dyke’s back garden.

 

 

Following on from the recent outcry over the pricing of replica England World Cup shirts, which are to retail at a hefty £90.00 each, the England Football Association are now under fire over a proposed move which will force supporters to sign a bonded slavery agreement on behalf of themselves and their families which will secure them the right to buy an England pennant to fly from their cars during the Brazil-hosted tournament this summer.

Speaking in defence of the move from his sprawling sugar plantation in Rotherham, the head of the FA, Greg “Boss” Dyke, 97, told reporters.

“Me and some of the other FA boys have noticed that some of these supportin’ sonsofbitches have been gittin’ a might too uppity just lately, so we done decided to learn ’em some manners. If that means enslaving their no-good asses then ah guess that’s just the way it has to be boys”

Meanwhile reaction amongst fans has been mixed. One supporter, who asked that his identity be withheld, told us from his log cabin just outside Middlesborough.

“Landsakes! What’s y’all a tellin’ me? Massa Dyke he’s a hard man fo’ sho boss! Still ah guess if he’s all set on me a sellin’ mah ass and mah wife and chillen into slavry ah guess there aint nothin’ else fo’ it! Ah mean to say, if a dumb supportin’ boy like me needs a pennant a flyin’ and a flutterin’ from his car then what else is a body to do? Lawks ah swear ah don’t know sah!”

When we tried to relay fan’s concerns over the proposal to Mr Dyke, his wife told us he’d just left home with a number of FA board members and a pack of coon dogs to hunt down a runaway West Ham supporter who was spotted selling counterfeit Steven Gerrard mugs in Whitechapel Market.

Disclaimer: No England fans were given an ass whuppin’ or lynched from an Elm Tree during the writing of this skit…I expect.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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