Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold
With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland
Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.
We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.
Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.
“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.
“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!
In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.
Absolutely miles over. Hurst slams in Englands decisive and totally legit 3rd goal in ’66
Previously hidden documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy, have revealed that Kennedy built a time machine in his shed at The White House and had used it to travel forward in time to 1966 where he attended the World Cup Final between England and West Germany.
When Kennedy arrived back he wrote in his diary that Geoff Hurst’s hotly disputed winning goal in extra time had definitely crossed the line “by at least a foot”
The document now proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Hurst’s wonder strike was a legitimate goal and should finally put a stop to the Germans constantly going on about it.
The world’s media have now accepted the news, apart from The Scotsman newspaper, who have dubbed the findings, ‘fake news’ and have referred to Kennedy as a ‘sad loser’ in today’s editorial.
“I gotta big face!”
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Could be a worthwhile plan on the face of it.
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Filed under Humor, Humour
Delighted German fans greet the victorious german team coach outside Nuremberg airport
Polish authorities last night revealed that following Germany’s victory in Sunday’s World Cup final, a drunken fan was pushed across the border in a shopping trolley while his mates stood and cheered.
The un-named 23 year old male, later apologised and took on 3 Polish immigrants to work for slave wages, building a new conservatory at his home in Bavaria.
There were also unsubstantiated reports that a Borussia Dortmund fan attempted to annexe The Sudetenland following the match, while a celebrating Stuttgart season ticket holder reportedly walked slowly down a line of kneeling, elderly Jews, shooting each one in the back of the head.
More harsh and uncalled-for xenophobia in just a few moments.
A Dutch scientist pictured putting a brave face on it last night
Scientists from The Netherlands last night reported a resigned, disappointed silence across the entire country lasting well over 5 hours, a new world record, following Germany’s triumph in the World Cup final in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.
The silence, which they claim began immediately after the final whistle, tops the previous record of four hours and fifty seven minutes previously held by Scotland after England beat West Germany to lift the trophy in June 1966.
A representative from The Netherlands Institute Of Science And Technology said last night “Look why don’t you just piss off? We don’t want to talk about it ok?”
In England however there was a huge upsurge in noise shortly after the match ended, believed to be due to thousands of women starting their car engines to take their cats to the vets to be treated for kick-related injuries.
Grost pictured in happier times in July 1944
A notorious Nazi war criminal who escaped justice by fleeing to Argentina after the second world war ended, has expressed mixed feelings with regard to his preference as to the outcome of Sunday’s world cup final between his adopted nation, and Germany, the country of his birth.
Miguel De La Concepcion, formerly Helmut Grost, now aged 97, was charged with crimes against humanity and was convicted in his absence at The Nuremburg Trials in 1945 where he was sentence to be hanged.
Speaking from his comfortable bungalow on the outskirts of Buenos Aires, he told our reporter “I’m absolutely torn to be honest with you. On the one hand I swore allegiance to The Third Reich and spent many happy years organising pogroms against the Jews and persecuting the sub-human Slavic dogs before the war. I was also one of Hitler’s most trusted aides and a co-conspirator when the party devised The Final Solution. On the other hand Argentina has become a second home to me through the years and I’m pretty loathe to root for their opponents so to speak. To be honest I’m tempted to give the game a miss and just have a quiet game of cards with Dr Mengele and The Beast Of Belsen instead”
Two Miami cops preparing to maim anybody with a German surname before tonight’s USA v Germany clash
There was widespread condemnation across the globe last night as news emerged that a 45 year old man had been arrested and then beaten to death in a Miami jail cell after being reported to the police for expressing his appreciation of a shot at goal by Portuguese striker Christiano Ronaldo in a local bar during the world cup clash between USA and Portugal last week.
Fellow drinkers called the cops after Dwight Kincaid from Miami Beach, Florida was heard to exclaim “Hey that was a pretty neat effort guys!” after the Portuguese ace struck the crossbar from 30 yards during the clash.
A spokesman for the Florida Police Dept said last night “Hey shit happens man. The disloyal sonofabitch had it comin’ anyways. USA!…USA!…USA!