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May 6, 2018 · 06:00

Palestinian who leaned against his fence killed by Israeli sniper.

 

Military Ceremony in Gaza

A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle

 

A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.

Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.

An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.

“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk

“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.

“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.

“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”

This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.

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The Art of Blogging #2

 

wordpress val

WordPress Family Val Hughes pictured earlier

1: Keep it short. 1 to 3 words maximum. Any longer and no fucker will read it, trust me

2: Put a picture of a flower at the top

3: Visit shedloads of other blogs, making irritating, over-the-top comments.

4: Wear a silly hat

NEXT WEEK: How hosting a blog based on sceptic tank emptying and/or the Christian faith will make you better in bed.

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The Art of Blogging (Bullshit-Free Edition)

wordpress val

I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.

The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ

1: Write any old shit

2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent

3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm

4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit

THE END

Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette

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100 per cent of self-published writers will go to the grave blissfully unaware of their desperate lack of talent, claims report

A recent report has found that an astonishing 100 per cent of people who have handed over cash in exchange for having their work published by an opportunist bandit with a nifty line in flattery, will die in total ignorance of their own ineptitude and desperation.

The study, carried out by Cambridge University, goes on to point out that the prior publishing of excerpts of the work in a blog or online magazine where it attracts glowing praise from others is not a sign of the writer’s brilliance, but is a direct result of the writer in question having spent countless hours trawling through reams of similarly hideous copy from fellow bloggers, advising them that they are the next Hemingway or Virginia Wolf.

We spoke to a representative of the popular blogging site, WordPress, where many of these delusional individuals regularly churn out their literary effluent, who told us.

“Yes, we are well aware that these people are remarkably inept and that they will take their final breath blissfully unaware of the true horror of their output, but they’re not doing any harm and it lines our pockets very nicely indeed, thank you very much.”

The report can be seen in full on the WordPress blog: “My Fantastic Report and How I Never Allowed My Dream of Getting the Wretched Thing Published Die.

 

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Working Out the WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

 

wordpress val

“Feel the burn yet my lovelies?”

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

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Filed under Fitness, Satire

WordPress Family Val Hughes

wordpress val

Hi, I’m Val and I’m a well-respected and much-loved member of The WordPress Family, and pretty soon, you’re going to be seeing a lot more of me as I swarm all over your blog like a biblical plague.

No matter how risible and inept your work, and no matter how many utterly reprehensible errors and shameful faux pas in the spelling, content, and syntax, I will be spewing vacuous praise all over it like a vomitous wino who has just guzzled 3 litres of pikey cider and wolfed down a really fiery lamb vindaloo.

I will also be nominating your blog for various laughable awards – which mean absolutely fuck-all, but which you can display on your homepage, along with all your fanciful claims to being an “author” a “poet” or a “novelist”, despite the fact no publisher with even the most tenuous grip on sanity would go within a million miles of your utterly vile copy, unless it was to use it to soak up the pools of piss in the gents toilet.

All I ask in return is that you visit my blog at least twice a day to post wild and fanciful duplicitous hyperbole in the comments box beneath my latest wonderfully written piece.

You don’t even have to read it if you don’t want to. After all, I won’t have read yours.

Happy writing and keep the faith in our beloved family

Fond regards

Val xoxoxoxo

NB. Val is an entirely fictitious character and any resemblance to yourself, or indeed, any other WordPress blogger, is entirely coincidental…ish.

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Filed under Satire