Tag Archives: Whitechapel Whelk

Local man’s hatred for chatty and convivial supermarket woman in check-out queue reached murderous level

See the source image

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.

“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.

“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.

“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”

Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.

If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour


Crime Update:

tablet cutting ties

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour

London Man Caged for ‘WordPress Serial Commentors’ Slayings


ugly couple

The tragic coupled pictured in happier times at a WordPress dinner and dance


A 19-year-old man from East London was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday for the brutal killings of a man and woman, whose only crime appears to have been spending long periods commenting back and forth on the WordPress blogging site.

The convicted man, Clive Dee, from Whitechapel, attacked, Marvin Johnson and Martha Walmart, both 67 and from Islington, North London, on the same day, using a meat cleaver, a slaughterman’s poleaxe, and a Royal Navy belaying pin before shooting them both repeatedly in the face – an act which Dee claimed after his arrest was: ‘just to be on the safe side’

According to Dee’s defence barrister, Toby Carter QC, Dee had become so sick of the pair’s long-winded commenting on each other’s blogs – the exchanges sometimes lasting for months on one post alone – he became unhinged and decided to put a stop to it once and for all.

“It was totally out of character for my client to behave in this way,” Mr Carter told the court. “The truth is, this couple drove Mr Dee to the very edge of reason itself with their banal, fawning platitudes and insincere assessments of each other’s work. This resulted in the tragedy that has been put before this court”

Mr Justice Derek Tracy, presiding, told Dee before passing sentence: “While I realise that the provocation you had to face was severe and that many people may indeed sympathise, and even condone your actions, we can’t have members of the public slaughtering people just for being irritating”

As Dee was taken from the dock, he yelled out to family and friends “I’ve no comment to make about anything and neither have they now, the fuckers!”

This case comes just a month after a Facebooker received a life sentence at Nottingham Crown Court for shooting a 78-year-old man in the back fifteen times for constantly posting pictures of his dinner to his timeline.


Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

Unto You A Whelk Is Born

Whelk Gravatar


Greetings my wuffly ickle WordPress Family friendzzzz!

I know I’m massive pain in the arse (my mum told me) but I’m going to ask you a huge favour if I may.

Along with a couple of other satirist reprobates and a talented graphics wallah, I have started a small, but perfectly formed, online spoof newspaper. It’s in its infancy at the moment but we have high hopes for our new baby and with your kind help we can get off to a decent start.

It’s a London-centric newspaper based in the Whitechapel area of East London – an area I know extremely well; and it basically consists of spoof news items, vignettes of local characters – some more outlandish than others – along with a sprinkling of hilarious (it says here) memes etc.

You won’t find any biting political satire here – I can get that stuff published elsewhere. It’s just a bit of fun and an enjoyable outlet for our somewhat bizarre sense of humour. Hopefully, you’ll find it as enjoyable and as much fun to read as we have enjoyed putting it together.

One old journo friend of mine described it earlier as “brilliantly funny”. However, he’s not to be trusted and is renowned for drinking heavily morning, noon and night, so I’d take that with a pinch of salt if I were you.

So please, take a quick look and give us a follow if you like what you see. We will, of course, follow you back, and our sub-editor – a brute-like creature who has worked his way up from being copy boy on The Illustrated London News in 1888 – will be more than happy to field your comments, suggestions and spiteful abuse in the order in which he receives them.

So here we go then guys. Our WordPress site and Facebook page (please ‘like’ generously. All proceeds go to an orphaned kittens hostel) are listed below for your delectation and delight.

Thanks and best wishes in anticipation of your poorly-judged patronage

Clivey Dee, 19, and The Whitechapel Whelk production drunks



Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Uncategorized