TCM 11.30: The Belly Of The Beast – Explorer, David Attenborough, embarks on a 6-week journey across, TV personality, Vanessa Feltz’s midriff.
TCM – 23.30: Along The Great Divide – She turns over, allowing Attenborough to make the 200-mile trek between the cheeks of her arse.
Smudge by Mina.
Ex-TV travel show stalwart, Judith Chalmers, has now been employed by a Portuguese local authority and is working as a windbreak for holidaymakers on the Algarvian coast, claims a report in Portugal’s Noticias De Manha newspaper.
The 108-year-old former presenter of Wish You Were Here, spends her days standing on the promenade at the Pedras Del Rei resort, where she can be hired by sun worshippers for 2 Euros an hour, or 10, for the entire day.
As part of her duties, Chalmers lays down alongside parties of sunbathers, positioning her enormous body in such a way that the strong westerly winds that prevail on the southern coast are deflected from people sheltering behind her, keeping themselves and their picnics, free from sand particles and spume from the ocean.
Chalmers, whose perma-tanned skin has the density and texture of rhino hide, is also used by smokers who strike matches against her weatherbeaten arse to light their cigars or pipes.
Ms Chalmers declined to answer questions put to her by reporters yesterday, but did offer to shield a number of them from a sudden summer deluge behind one of her thighs for 8 Euros.
This latest revelation comes just 2 weeks after the burly, London FM radio hostess, Vanessa Feltz, was dragged out into the ocean on a pontoon at Brighton, Sussex, where she is being used as a temporary replacement for the fire-damaged South Pier.
Filed under Humor, Humour
“I gotta big face!”
English pop star and fierce pro- United Kingdom supporter, Olly Murs, has vowed to deprive the Scots of the sun’s life-giving rays by standing on top of Hadrian’s Wall, where he will use his huge face to bring about a total eclipse that will plunge the entire country into eternal winter.
Speaking at a “Better Together” rally in Aberdeen last night, the Dance With Me Tonight singer, told cheering pro-Great Britain supporters. “I’m a Londoner first and foremost but I quite like Britain too, so if the Scottish people vote to break up the United Kingdom on Thursday I wont hesitate to blot out the sun with my massive dial, causing eternal night to descend on the country. Yes I realise this will cause all who choose to live in my shadow to perish, but it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay to preserve our beloved union”
“Scottish Nationalist Party leader, Alex Salmond, seemed undaunted by the threat when he spoke to reporters last night. “Let Olly do his worst. I doubt very much if anyone will notice anyway. The last time the sun came out here was in June 1993 when a rogue area of high pressure claimed over 3000 Scottish lives through skin cancer”
This latest threat from a celebrity comes just days after broadcaster and journalist, Vannessa Feltz, told listeners on her BBC London phone-in show that if the Scots vote to quit Great Britain she was going to sit on Arbroath and flatten the entire population with her gigantic arse.
BBC1 20.45: A Taste Of Britain
Overweight journalist and broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz eats The Yorkshire Moors before wolfing down a fairly large chunk of Perthshire.
Warning: This programme may contain large quantities of Botox.
Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, has made the surprise announcement that he’s going to quit the music business and set up home on the enormous face of his British counterpart, Olly Murs, accompanied by US child star, Honey Boo Boo.
Bieber, 11, spoke to reporters from outside his home in Toronto last night.
“I’ve had it with being a pop star and all the hassle that goes with it. These last few months have been hell for me, and to be honest with you, I don’t think people understand how tough it can be being constantly in the public eye. I can’t even go to the can without some damn pap with a long lens trying to get a money shot of my cock. I’ve therefore decided to get the hell out and set up home on the gigantic face of Olly Murs and I’m taking Honey Boo Boo with me. She’s been my rock right throughout all this bullshit. We’ve laughed together, cried together and to say that we’re now great buddies don’t even come close gentlemen. She’s agreed to come with me and help me search for a quiet spot to build our new home, probably somewhere behind one of his ears or just beneath the hairline where we can get the peace and quiet we both hanker for”
Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother, Martha, 109, who told us.
“I have to tell you Olly’s none too pleased at the prospect of having an unpleasant little turd like Justin setting up home on his massive dial, but the bottom line is he needs the cash. In any case it’s better than having Vanessa Feltz taking up residence there. I mean to say imagine having that bloody great arse plonking itself down on the tip of your nose half a dozen times a day!”
The announcement, which will dismay Bieber’s millions of fans worldwide, comes just days after the President of Nigeria revealed plans to move the entire population of the country onto Simon Cowell’s forehead.
For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire
He gotta big face.
The Indian government yesterday announced plans to enter the space race by sending a manned rocket to the big face of British pop star Olly Murs in January of next year. The mission is designed to land on the surface of Murs’s face, probably somewhere around the nose area, where the two astronauts hope to collect samples for analysis. These will then be examined by scientists with a view to discovering the chemical make up of his enormous dial.
Speaking from The Sashin Tendulkar Space Centre last night, a spokesman told reporters “At the moment India is a country mainly known for it’s takeaway curry houses in Brick Lane, for being half way decent at cricket, having lots of beggars and for raping women on buses. While that’s all well and good we now feel it’s time to show the rest of the world how far our technology has moved on, and what better way to do that than to land a rocket on Olly Murs’s gigantic clock”
“We plan on reaching the surface of his face 30 days after launch If everything goes according to plan. Our two astronauts will then leave the landing module and collect samples from his gigantic fizzog. These will include moisturiser residue, a few hairs from up his nose, and hopefully, scrapings of dried kebab juice from the previously unexplored chin area. It’s an ambitious undertaking and we’re fully aware of the many hazards that our boys will face, not least of which is the chance that he might start singing at some point, but we’re very confident that we can pull this off and that the two men will be back on terra firma around June or July at the very latest”
Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he was round Robbie Williams’s house, but we did manage to speak to his mother Margaret, 98, who told us “Olly’s absolutely delighted that two spacemen will be exploring his bloody great face in the new year. Singing on the telly is one thing but being part of an exciting project like this is an absolute dream come true for the moon-faced git”
If successful, this will be the most significant breakthrough in minor celebrity exploration since 1978, when two Russian Cosmonauts brought back traces of hair removal cream from the cleft in Vanessa Feltz’s absolutely gigantic arse.