Tag Archives: UKIP

Paul Nuttall claims that “a very dear friend” developed a cough due to the Bradford fire disaster

United Kingdom Independence Party newly elected leader Paul Nuttall speaks after the announcement of his success in the leadership election, in London
Under fire UKIP leader, Paul Nuttall, told reporters last night that “a very dear friend developed quite a nasty cough” just days after the tragic Bradford City stadium fire in 1985 in which 56 people lost their lives.

Far right-winger, Nuttall is currently under intense media scrutiny after making false claims that he had lost “close personal friends” in The Hillsborough Disaster in 1989.

Looking visibly upset, Nuttall told pressmen outside his temporary home in Stoke – where he is due to contest a by-election next week: “I’ll never forget my dear friend’s words to me as long as I live.

“I met him when he was on a visit to the wonderful city of Stoke, where I was staying at the time and where I spend every available day due to my deep love of the place and everybody who lives in it.

“He told me, that about a week after the fire had claimed all those innocent lives, he started to suffer from quite a nasty cough and he swears it was due to smoke inhalation from the burning stand which he says he must have breathed in when he was hanging his washing out in Leeds.

“He looked a broken man, and if it hadn’t been for my love of Stoke and my horror at the thought of having to leave this magnificent city, I’d have given him a lift home”

When questioned further about his friendship with the man, Nuttall became defensive and told reporters “He wasn’t that close really. He came round to service my boiler once, but we did have a cup of tea together and a chat about football. Particularly, Stoke City, who are my second favourite team after Everton”

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UKIP leader blames ‘wannabe immigrants’ for England’s cricketing woes

Ukip Spring Conference - Day 1

“Ladies and white, heterosexual gentlemen…”

Following yesterday’s heavy 3rd test match trouncing of the England cricket team by India, the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Paul Nuttall, has hit out at the Indian players, calling them ‘wannabe immigrants’ and ‘ingrates’ who are disrespecting the nation that once taught them how to behave at the table.

A clearly furious Nuttall told reporters: “These so-called sportsmen are an absolute disgrace to our great nation.

“They are ingrates, hell-bent on inflicting shame on the very nation who once patiently taught them how to use a knife and fork and from which side to pass the port.

“In my view, they are immigrant wannabes, frustrated by the fact that we don’t want them here because we’re already full.

“They think that by handing out regular sound thrashings at cricket, they are, in some way, striking back at those of us in this blessed land that don’t want them or their ilk taking jobs that white people don’t fancy doing, or who don’t want their high streets dotted with handy all-night convenience stores or establishments selling delicious food where people can dine or order a takeaway.

“In my opinion, we should implement an Australian-style policy with regards to these people whereby we hit them on the head with short-pitched deliveries or put them on an offshore island to die in squalor.”

A spokesman for the Indian Cricket Board responded to Nuttall’s outburst last night: “You lost mate. Just accept it and move on”

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UKIP Unveil Plans To Mine The Beach At Dover

UKIP recruitment poster

In what is being seen by some as a controversial move, the leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has told a party rally that, if UKIP hold the balance of power following the general election on May 7th, he will push to have both land and sea mines deployed at the southern port of Dover in Kent in a bid to stop any migrant invasion, and a repetition of the chaotic scenes recently witnessed on the Greek and Italian coasts.

Speaking to supporters at a church hall in Tunbridge Wells, Farage said:

“We see this move as an effective and expedient solution to Britain’s immigration crisis. The outlay on explosive ordnance will be relatively low, and certainly a darn sight less than the benefit payments these people will demand as soon as they reach our shores. Most, if not all of them, are given five million pound mansions to live in you know. Well let’s see them try to drain our resources after being blown to bits at sea, or while making their way up the beach to the nearest social security office”

When a reporter pointed out that innocent residents of the town would be put at risk while out walking the dog or taking a stroll along the beach in the evenings, Farage countered:

“Yes I realise that, but UKIP believe that a certain amount of collateral damage is acceptable as long as our shores are protected and the guilty are punished. Anyway, you seem to forget that some of these so-called ‘innocents’ could be black”

The reporter was then escorted from the building by burly security men and beaten up in an alleyway.

Associated Press.

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UKIP’s Handy 10 Point Guide To The Muslimists

muslims

Some Muslimists pictured begging for alms with menaces outside a London benefits office last night

The Following is an indispensable guide to the behavioural traits and general mien of the average worshipper of Allah, compiled by The United Kingdom Independence Party:

 1. The word ‘Muslim’ is actually an ancient Aramaic word meaning ‘bastard’

2. As part of their religion, Muslimists have to wash their entire body 15  times a day while facing Islam. This makes them virtually unemployable. It doesn’t stop them from coming over here and taking all our jobs mind you.

3. Muslimists are actually black in colour but all the constant washing has made their skin a kind of muddy brown colour. The Aramaics should really have called them ‘black bastards’

4. Muslimists are inherently lazy and spend most of the day smoking pipes and taking our jobs.

5. The average Muslimist has roughly 30 children by various virgins. These progeny are genetically unsound, and, as a result, are constantly at the doctors, draining our National Health Service coffers and pushing in front of you in the queue to see the doctor.

6. The female Muslimists you see walking around our town centres wearing burkhas are not really women at all. They are male Muslimists concealing explosive devices under their dresses. They also use this ploy to masturbate furtively when claiming benefits at the dole office.

7. When a Muslimist sneaks into the country, clinging to the axle of a heavy goods vehicle, they are immediately given 5 million pounds spending money and a luxury apartment in Mayfair.

8. Muslimists only eat vegetables and baked beans as part of their religion. However, my mate down the pub saw one tucking into sausage, egg, beans and chips with a fried slice in a cafe once. How can you trust people like that?

9. If a Muslimist sees you out with your wife he will immediately abduct her and keep her as a slave for the rest of her life. So they do have some redeeming features I suppose.

10. If you touch a Muslimist, he will explode immediately. Especially in the doctor’s surgery or the local benefits office.

Next week: The Israeli bomber pilot’s guide to spotting Palestinian school buildings.

Satirist’s note: Please don’t forget to make a comment on the above. Your half-assed, worthless input is as precious to me as the lives of my beloved children.

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Sadist Surges Ahead In Latest Poll

danny poster

“Running scared?” Prime Minister, David Cameron, pictured last night. Smudge by “Inchcock”

A notorious sadist with convictions for robbery with violence, making threats to kill and assault with a deadly weapon, has registered a shock lead in the latest opinion poll ahead of the forthcoming May general election.

Clivey Dee, aka Danny Soz, an 18 year old satirical magazine editor from East London, is leader of the Lots Of Lashing (LOL) Party  whose political doctrine is based largely on beating people who disagree with their policy of beating people who don’t agree with them.

Speaking from a fully-equipped dungeon beneath the magazine’s office in Whitechapel, East London, Dee told us:

“It’s been a long-held belief of mine that what this country needs is a good, old-fashioned dose of brutality, and these latest poll figures would indicate that I’m not alone in this. In my opinion the sooner we start flogging our detractors to within an inch of their lives the better. My party will set up whipping posts in every town and city throughout Britain so that common criminals, blacks, gays, Eastern Europeans, Americans and other undesirables, can be meted out the summary justice they so richly deserve.

We will also reintroduce the death penalty for the more serious offenders, such as trades unionists, atheists, cross-dressers and Australians. I’m absolutely convinced that only by inflicting acts of extreme violence on certain sections of the community can Britain’s balance of payments be brought under control and peace and tranquility restored to this great nation of ours”

The LOL Party’s closest ideological rival, The United Kingdom Independence Party, issued a defiant statement last night. UKIP leader, Nigel Farage told reporters:

“Soz and his LOL Party cronies are clearly trying to hitch a ride on our coat tails to garner popularity. There can only ever be one party dedicated to persecuting minorities and that’s us. All this talk of flogging the blacks and the incarcerating of political foes is common thuggery to be brutally honest with you, and the first thing I intend to do after winning the election is to have this working class oik and his henchmen beaten bloody with rhino whips and tossed into jail”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron also issued a brief statement from outside 10 Downing Street last night:

“All this talk of beating people is errant nonsense in my view. After all, if people wanted to be subjected to cruel and excessive punishment they’d listen to Justin Bieber records or sit in front of the television watching Homes Under The Hammer”

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Benefits Claimants Should Remain Completely Motionless Say UKIP

farage as hitler

“Ve haf vays of keeping you still!” UKIP leader Nigel Farage in determined mood last night

 

A leaked document from the United Kingdom Independence Party Central Office has uncovered plans to force the unemployed and those claiming sickness benefit, to remain absolutely motionless at all times, unless they are going to visit the lavatory or attending a job interview.

A section in their 2015 election manifesto entitled “Dealing With The Feckless” states:

“Why should these people be permitted to move around freely on taxpayer’s money? Mobility should be a privilege and not a right. Only hard-working, British citizens should be given this freedom in our view. It’s just good, plain, common sense at the end of the day”

This latest revelation comes just days after the right-wing party’s call for benefits claimants to be prevented from owning a car, and after a prospective UKIP local councillor called for asylum-seekers to be nailed to the walls of detention centres to prevent them going into nearby shops for grocery items and upsetting the locals.

Associated Press

For more leftist railing against the dark forces of the British far right, why not visit?:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

No blacks.

 

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UKIP Leader Farrage Interns German Wife In Shed

farrage with b&w minstrels

Farrage pictured last night inspecting the contents of his attic

 

Leader of the right wing United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farrage, last night revealed that he has interned his German born wife, Kirsten, in the garden shed at their home in Surrey.

Farrage, 75, told reporters “It was a tough decision to make but I felt it was the right thing to do for the country. The kids are a little upset admittedly, but I’ve explained to them that it was probably only a matter of time before mummy went out and took somebody’s job or committed a sexual offence of some description. To be perfectly honest I had no idea she was German when I married her. I asked her why she had a funny accent of course but she told me it was because she was from Sheffield”

Farrage then became agitated and slammed the door when reporters questioned him about the recent disappearance of a number of local Indian takeaway delivery men and the lynching of a 60 year old Italian waiter from a bistro in nearby Dorking.

Reuters

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