More as we get it
More as we get it
A 50-year-old, diesel fitter from Whitechapel in East London has made the claim that a tin mug that he bought from a local store last week is from outer space and is made from a substance unknown to man.
Toby Dell, a divorced father of 8, told journalists: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my new mug comes from somewhere in outer space.
“As soon as I got it home and had a drink of tea out it I knew that this was no ordinary mug and that it must have come from another planet or even a different galaxy.
“I took it to the science museum for analysis, but they refused to do it and told me to go away.
“They obviously realised that it was an extra-terrestrial mug and didn’t want the news getting out in case it got people worrying about an alien invasion in the future”
Mr Dell is the 2nd person to have made rather outlandish claims in recent weeks. On 3rd June, a taxi driver from neighbouring Bow told his boss that Brexit had nothing to do with inherent racism amongst the older generation and that Donald Trump was going to make America great again
White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.
“The President was so upset and angry last night when he heard the news.” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he’d play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He feels that it’s the least he can do”
In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.
In the aftermath of the latest bitter presidential debate, beleaguered Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has claimed victory over his Democratic Party rival, Hillary Clinton, and has told the media that he has conclusively demonstrated his suitability for office by not grabbing her pussy during the live TV debate.
Trump told reporters last night: “I think I have proved beyond all doubt that Donald J Trump is the right man to lead this great nation by not grabbing Hillary’s pussy or making any other type of sexual advance during the debate.
“I didn’t even try to kiss her for Pete’s sake. Although, you can be pretty damn sure she wanted me to. When you’re a star, women almost demand that you come on to them sexually, and you can bet your life Hillary’s just like all the rest. Especially if she’s anything like her old man was when he was in office.”
Mrs Clinton hit back furiously last night: “The sheer arrogance of this man is breathtaking. The last thing on my mind during the debate was being kissed or having my pussy grabbed by Donald, whatever he may think to the contrary. Not even Bill is permitted to do that sort of thing while I’m campaigning and we are both more than happy with that arrangement”
A spokesperson for the TV studio that staged the debate told us: “Initially we were a little apprehensive. We were afraid that Mr Trump might grab Mrs Clinton’s pussy at some point, especially if she started winning the debate.
“In order to try and prevent this, we positioned the two rostrums a good distance apart, so if Mr Trump moved towards Mrs Clinton, and if one of our security staff considered that he was going to grab her pussy, he would have sufficient time to wrestle him to the ground and hold him until the cops arrived.”
The current race for The White House is thought to be the most acrimonious since the Nixon/Kennedy struggle in 1960 when Nixon accused JFK of dropping his pen under the table during a TV debate so that he could look up Nixon’s trouser leg.