Tag Archives: The Queen

I’ll wed Queen when Philip’s dead: David Beckham’s shock vow

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Becks and The Queen pictured at this year’s Royal Variety Performance

In a surprise move, soccer legend, David Beckham, has revealed that when Prince Philip dies he will divorce his wife, Victoria, and marry the widowed monarch as long as he is crowned King as part of the deal

Speaking to Men’s Health magazine, Becks, 67, said: “Let’s face it, Prince Philip’s in shit state these days and looks pretty likely to topple off the perch at some point in the very near future.

“I’m therefore going to divorce my missus and step into the void left by the Duke.

“I realise it’s a lot of responsibility and that I’ll have to open art galleries and shit like that, but it’ll be worth it to become the 2nd King David after that bloke in the Bible.

“I’m just hoping The Queen won’t expect me to have sex with her too often.

“I mean to say, she’s getting on a bit these days and is way past her best, although I would definitely have given her one in her younger days, if I didn’t have a match the day after of course.”

Meanwhile, fears are growing about the ailing Duke’s condition as reports are coming in that he has now gone three days in hospital without insulting any of the foreign staff.

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BRITAIN IS NOW OFFICIALLY A POLICE STATE

loving machine

In their 1980s smash hit single: Melting Pot, the singer out of Blue Mink, clearly says: “We should all get together in a loving machine. We’d better call up The Queen. It’s only fair that she knows”

Well, I don’t have The Queen’s mobile number (I lost it when my old phone died), so I went round to Buckingham Palace with a loud hailer and shouted through the railings: “We’re all going to get together in a loving machine Your Majesty”

However, instead of being greeted by a cheery wave, I was bundled into a police car by a member of The Royal Protection Squad and interrogated for 6 hours at Scotland Yard before being bailed to appear at Bow Street Magistrates Court where I will face a charge of Conduct Likely To Cause A Breach Of The Peace.

Where’s the fairness in that then?

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THE ROYAL WEE: WHAT THE QUEEN SAID TO CHINESE PRESIDENT AT STATE BANQUET

the queen meme

Her Majesty pictured on the throne last night

Buckingham Palace last night furiously denied claims that Her Majesty, The Queen, made an inappropriate remark to Chinese President, Xi Jingpin, shortly before he rose to address diners at a state banquet held in his honour on Tuesday evening.

According to a lip-reader employed by The Sun newspaper, Her Majesty tapped President Xi on the arm moments before he addressed diners in the banqueting suite at Buckingham Palace and said: “I hope your speech isn’t going to be a long one Mr President as I’m dying for a piss”

According to the lip-reader, The Queen then expressed her  discomfort to Prince William – seated next to her, who then allegedly replied: “Fuck’s sake nan. You should have gone before we left”

A Buckingham Palace spokesperson last night utterly refuted the claim “Her Majesty would never say such a thing to an honoured guest. In any case, it’s common knowledge that she doesn’t have bodily functions like ordinary people. She has servants who do that sort of thing for her”

This latest alleged incident came just hours after a similar faux pas during President Xi’s address to parliament when Prime Minister, David Cameron, was overheard asking opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn if there was going to be a pig’s head at the buffet afterwards.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

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BBC4 20.00: Majesty And Mortar

Hilarious footage taken from The Royal Family’s private film archive which shows royal prankster, Prince Harry, pushing The Queen into a cement mixer.

Warning: Contains graphic images of ermine-trimmed knickers.

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The Queen Pushed My Face Into Cream Flan Claims Scottish Flunky

the queen

Her Majesty pictured in reflective mood last night after being told of the resignation of Alex Salmond.

 

A Scottish member of the royal household last night claimed that Her Majesty The Queen had roughly pushed his face into a creamy dessert at a boozy, post Scotland Decides dinner at Windsor Castle.

Hamish McClaren, 57, an under-butler for the royal family for 23 years, told reporters:

“I had just finished overseeing the serving of dessert to Her Majesty and other members of the royal family when The Queen beckoned me over. As I lowered my head to hear what she wanted, she clamped her hand on the back of my head and pushed my face into a cream-filled flan case. She then started laughing and pointing at me before shouting “How do you like them onions you rebellious Scotch fuck!”

At this point Prince Harry came over and gently ushered me from the room. He explained that Her Majesty had been drinking heavily all afternoon, celebrating the rejection of Scottish Independence, and that he’d make sure there was a small bonus in my monthly pay cheque to make up for it”

This latest incident comes just a few days after a Captain in The Scots Guards had complained that The Duke Of Edinburgh gave him a dead-leg while he was doing sentry duty on Horseguards Parade.

Reuters

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #900

the queen

“Now where the f**k did one leave one’s spirit level?”

BBC4 22.55:  Majesty And Mortar.

A documentary team follow The Queen as she attempts to curb public and media criticism over big-spending royals by building a coal bunker round the back of Clarence House.

Warning: This programme may contain traces of Prince Philip.

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Government Presses For Royal Belt Tightening As Queen Blows £13.75 Down The Pub

The Queen’s Grandad looking chastened after a bollocking from Cardinal Wolsey for spending 1/6d on comely wenches in a local rub ‘n’ tug shop

A government financial body has urged the royal household to kerb excessive spending as it was revealed that The Queen, accompanied by Prince Philip, spent £13.75 last Saturday night in a local pub close to their Windsor home.

The House Of Commons Accounts Committee issued a statement last night strongly criticising use of public funds by Her Majesty, on what they described as, “frivolous jaunts”

The report alleges that The Queen splashed out on 2 pints of light and bitter and a Sambuca “Depth Charge” cocktail, and then went on to play 3 games of bar billiards with her husband at 50p a frame.

The Common’s statement also made the claim that Prince Philip had a number of unsuccessful goes on the fruit machine costing a further £3,00.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace told reporters last night.

“Yes it’s correct that Her Majesty and The Duke Of Edinburgh went out for a quiet drink down their local last Saturday and that a small sum was spent on drink and a couple of pub games, but what the people of this country should also know is that The Duke had earlier won £20.00 on the horses for an outlay of just £5.00 on a 4/1 shot at Kempton Park, and that it was this money that was used to fund the night out and not monies from the public purse”

He then left without taking questions as journalists pressed him on alleged claims that Philip had spent £2.00 on a packet of strawberry flavoured rubber johnnies in the bogs and that they’d both had a large doner with salad and chili sauce in the cab on the way home.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Prince Charles Tried To Make Queen’s Throne Really Uncomfortable Claims Palace Insider

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Camilla sees the funny side as Charles reveals that he’s left exploding whoopee cushion on throne at Westminster Abbey.

A trusted aide to heir to the throne Prince Charles, has made the astonishing claim that the prince has used a number of ploys down the years to make the throne at Buckingham Palace as uncomfortable as possible, in a bid to hasten the abdication and  to thereby claim the throne for himself.

 
In a series of telephone calls to our office, in which the flunky asked that his name be withheld  he claimed that in 1933 Charles emptied a packet of tin tacks on the seat just as The Queen was about to sit down prior to a New Years Honours List ceremony  and that in 2004 he wired the throne up to a small hand-held electrical generator so that he could give The Queen a series of electrical jolts while she received ambassadorial visits from foreign dignitaries. He even claims that The Prince Of Wales would  often hide behind a curtain and fire a peashooter at the back of The Queen’s head during The State Opening Of Parliament.
 
If these allegations are proved correct it would constitute the most audacious attempt to de-throne a monarch since Mrs Simpson substituted The Orb for a fizzing bomb during the coronation of King George 

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