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Table Soccer Fans Throw Black Man In Front Of Moving Train

john barnes

England soccer legend, John Barnes, is believed to have put his Subbuteo box in the loft following the incident.

A black Parisian businessman was killed last night after a group of English table football enthusiasts threw him from the platform at Gard Du Nord railway station in Paris into the path of a speeding express train. It is believed the incident was racially motivated.

An eyewitness told reporters that the gang of thugs, who were believed to be Subbuteo Table Soccer fans attending a tournament in the city, began taunting the dead man about his skin colour before throwing him to his death.

Claude Bertillon, 25, a Parisian architect, said: “The Englishmen were drinking neat orange squash from bottles and were gorging themselves on sweet cigarettes and penny chews. They were totally obnoxious and kept pulling each others short trousers down and laughing at each other’s pants.

“The black gentleman asked them to moderate their behaviour as there were women and children present, but they refused and began to racially abuse him. Four or five of them then grabbed him by the arms and legs and tossed him onto the track in front of the speeding train. The poor man didn’t stand a chance. To make matters worse they began laughing and one of them even took pictures of the man’s body on his phone. I overheard another one calling his mother, asking if he could have Chicken Dippers and spaghetti hoops for his tea. It was absolutely terrible to be honest with you”

The Parisian gendarmerie have issued a description of five men they wish to interview in connection with the incident. They are described as pasty-faced white men with acne and glasses. They were all wearing “I Love Subbuteo” tank tops along with shorts, grey ankle socks and brown leather sandals. No girlfriends were believed to have been present at the scene.

Associated Press.

 

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Feature Drunken England Fan

subbuteo box

“Let me out of the f*****g box! I’ve just finished me last can of Tennant’s Super!”

In what is being seen as a ground breaking move , table football icons, Subbuteo, last night announced that they will be including a drunken England supporter in their World Cup edition which is being launched later today.

A spokesman for the company told reporters.

“We at Subbuteo think it’s important to reflect all the aspects and nuances of the modern game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a model depicting an English fan who has quite clearly had too much to drink.

“To authenticate the staggering gait of a boozed-up supporter we have abandoned our usual rounded base design for this model, in favour of an irregular, octagonal affair, so that when the figure is flicked forward in the time-honoured Subbuteo style, it will veer around alarmingly and probably topple over, simulating the behaviour of somebody who is so drunk they don’t know if they want a shit or a haircut.

“During matches, the figure can be laid down outside the stadium with his Union Jack shorts around his ankles, remaining there for the duration of the game, before returning unsteadily to the box about 4 hours after the final whistle.

“The deluxe model will feature a very realistic small plastic turd which can be placed inside the shorts to replicate a person so inebriated that they’ve lost control of their bodily functions. This version will also feature a replica jail cell and 3 uniformed, foreign police officers holding long night sticks, who can be flicked towards the imprisoned fan as he lies unconscious on the cell floor simulating a good beating by anti-English cops.

Whilst being widely welcomed by table soccer enthusiasts, there were some detractors who voiced concerns last night. A spokesman for the “Please Drink Sensibly” organisation told us

“Yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! Yer fuckin’ fuck! I’ll tek the fucking lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Dead Spectator Figure In 2014

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A handful of delighted Subbuteo fans pictured celebrating the new proposal outside the company’s London office last night

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have unveiled plans to feature a deceased fan in the 2014 Christmas version of the popular game. The announcement comes after the recent spate of deaths by natural causes at games up and down the country.

A spokesman for the company told a press conference last night.

“Here at Subbuteo we pride ourselves on being up to date with all the latest trends and developments in the game, so with this in mind we have decided to introduce a new figure representing the number of supporters who have passed away during matches in recent months.

“It’s a little early to reveal details just yet, but our designers are currently working on producing a hunched, seated figure with it’s head lolling to one side. After the match itself is completed, players will be able to flick the figure forwards so that it falls face down in the gap between seating.

“We also plan to introduce a small, coffin-shaped slot in the box to accommodate the figure, on top of which, a small phial of fish oil will be provided so that players can add a few drops to the box before closing the lid. This will then produce an authentic, rotting flesh aroma the next time the box is opened.”

The company hope to release the updated version in time for Christmas 2014, although they are remaining tight-lipped about rumours that work is under-way to revamp their much-loved table cricket game by manufacturing an England team consisting entirely of 11 corpses.

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Subbuteo Table Cricket To Introduce Clinically Depressed Player

Clinically depressed England table cricketer “shoulders arms” and makes a dash for the airport while Australian slip fielders take the piss.

Following the withdrawal of yet another England cricketer from a touring party, this time, batsman Jonathan Trot, with a “stress-related illness”, table soccer and cricket icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a player suffering from depression in time for the launch of their 2014 version in January of next year.

The company issued a statement  last night.

“We at Subbuteo pride ourselves on keeping up with all the latest trends in all of the sports we represent, so given the fact that so many English cricketers have been pulling out of tours lately, citing stress as the cause, we’ve have decided to introduce a clinically depressed batsman in our newest version.

The player will have a separate slot in the box, well away from the other players to simulate that insular, withdrawn demeanour so common amongst sufferers. He will also be jointed and hinged at the waist so that he can be curled up into the foetal position just before the start of play.

He will of course be absolutely useless once he takes to the field, fumbling simple catches, falling over during  long chases to the boundary and of course getting absolutely no runs with the bat, due to his turning his back on the fast bowlers and whimpering as soon as they’re in their delivery stride.

Customers who wish to pay a little extra for our deluxe version will have the option of placing a small plastic Boeing 747 aircraft just outside the stadium, towards which the player can be flicked shortly after the close of play on Day 1 of a vital test match.

We also plan to introduce a foul-mouthed, Australian fast bowler at some point, who will run down the pitch after every delivery, calling the player “A whingeing girly Pom” and threatening to break his arm and have sex with his wife, but it’s pretty much in the developmental stage at the moment”

When told of this latest innovation, bellicose, former Yorkshire and England cricketing legend. Geoff Boycott, who famously castigated England batsman Marcus Trecothick, for withdrawing from a tour due to mental health issues,  told reporters.

“Clinical bloody depression? I’ve never ‘eard the like in all my born days! We never ‘ad owt like that in my day! We used to finish a 16 hour shift down t’ pit, run 500 odd miles to Lords or t’ Oval, wi’ pads on, and still make two ‘undred odd runs before tea on t’ first day of test! Clinical depression? Bah ‘eck as like! These young buggers of today don’t know they’re bloody born, and ah’ll tell thee that fer nowt!”

He later issued a retraction after being censured and threatened with a fine by  BBC Test Match Special bosses in which he stated.

“Aye well ‘appen I were a bit too harsh on the poor lad. Professional sport is a reet tough business these days and I can even remember, back in my day, when Kenny Barrington tried to tek afternoon off in t’ second test against West Indies at Trent Bridge after ‘e found out his missus had been run over and killed by a bus in t’ street. Mind thee, ‘e still made 75 before lunch on second day of  test tha knows!?”

The new game will retail at £25.99 for the basic package and £37.99 for the deluxe “I want my mum, where’s the airport” version.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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