A pair of medal hopefuls pictured going through a gruelling training schedule last night.
Controversial Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford,was last night being heavily tipped to win at least 3 gold medals at the Winter Paralytic Games which begin in Sochi this weekend.
Mr Ford, 93,whose drunken antics and crack cocaine admissions have regularly hit the headlines during the past year, is considered by many to be a virtual shoo-in to win three of the main events and is a strongly fancied outsider for a number of others
The Games, which is celebrating it’s 25th anniversary, is now recognised as the perfect vehicle to showcase the very best that drunken sots, drug-users and hopeless stumblebums have to offer the world of sport.
The events in which Ford is being tipped for glory, are, The 5000m Speedball Skating, a gruelling discipline in which the competitors must inject a pre-race cocktail of amphetamine sulphate and heroin. They then skate around a small rink in a haphazard fashion until they eventually collapse to the ice, shaking and clawing at their arms.
He is also strongly fancied in the stamina-sapping, Men’s 10k Beer-Athlon, where he will be up against some of the finest winos and drink-addled scum in the world, as they stagger through the snow pushing a shopping trolley laden with cans of Carlsberg Special Brew and bottles of Olde Vagrant, 35% proof, pikey cider.
However the real glittering prize for Ford could be the coveted gold medal in the blue riband event, the Men Ski Slump. In this liver-busting discipline, each alcoholic wreck will be taxed to the limits of their capacity to tuck away the grog. The first stage will see them neck down 15 pints of light and bitter with samubuca chasers. The sozzled athletes will then have skis strapped to their ill-fitting, fetid shoes before being pushed down a 95m hill to a the finish line. The gold will be awarded based on the stopwatch, with valuable bonus marks awarded to competitors for not vomiting or going to the toilet in their trousers.
Ford has allegedly been training intensively for this one, putting in literally hundreds of hours in pubs and strip clubs the length and breadth of his native city.
He has also been given an outside chance of medalling in the 200m vomit, the 1500m cross country incoherent mumbling and the thrilling climax to the games, the Men’s Four-Man Dog Sleigh in which crack teams of 4 hopeless winos hurtle down an icy track in a sled pulled by dogs on bits of string.
The opening ceremony is being staged at 19.00 tonight, during which the teams will parade unsteadily around the stadium, drinking from bottles wrapped in brown paper bags. The night will end with the spectacular lighting of the Olympic Battered Sofa. The teams will then gather round it, warming their hands and having the occasional fight with themselves before dispersing to the Olympic Cardboard Box Village to prepare for the disciplines ahead.
Mr Ford broke training in a nearby vodka refinery to speak to waiting reporters. Listing heavily to one side he told reporters that they were his “best mates” before stating that he was going to “take the fucking lot of yers”