Tag Archives: sport

World Cup Latest: Glasgow in the grip of England fever


braveheart world cup

Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold



With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland

Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.

We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.

Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.

“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.

“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!

In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.

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Time traveller JFK knew that Geoff Hurst’s shot crossed the line in ’66 World Cup, released documents reveal


Absolutely miles over. Hurst slams in Englands decisive and totally legit 3rd goal in ’66

Previously hidden documents related to the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy, have revealed that Kennedy built a time machine in his shed at The White House and had used it to travel forward in time to 1966 where he attended the World Cup Final between England and West Germany.

When Kennedy arrived back he wrote in his diary that Geoff Hurst’s hotly disputed winning goal in extra time had definitely crossed the line “by at least a foot”

The document now proves beyond any shadow of a doubt that Hurst’s wonder strike was a legitimate goal and should finally put a stop to the Germans constantly going on about it.

The world’s media have now accepted the news, apart from The Scotsman newspaper, who have dubbed the findings, ‘fake news’ and have referred to Kennedy as a ‘sad loser’ in today’s editorial.

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McGregor challenges Dalai Lama to megabucks ‘Pray-Off’

dalai lama boxing

“His ass will be mine by the end of Round Nine!” Lama in combative mood last night

Newly-defeated mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, last night roared out a defiant challenge to Tibetan spiritual leader, The Dalai Lama, calling for the 67-year-old Buddhist monk to meet him in a monastery of his choice for a bumper pay day, no-prayer wheels-barred, ‘pray-off’ for the right to be called the devoutest unarmed man on the planet.

Speaking to the press just hours after he was bludgeoned to defeat in Las Vegas by 40-year-old American ring legend, Floyd Mayweather, McGregor was in no mood to take prisoners:

“If The Dalai Lama thinks he’s such a spiritual hotshot then I’m prepared to give him an education in theological devotion.

“I’ll out-pray this Tibetan bitch in his own backyard if that’s what it takes. I’m going to show the world, that even though Mayweather handed me a can of Whup Ass in the ring, when it comes to offering up devotions to a higher power, I’m the fucking daddy.”

Lama, undefeated after 60 years in the temple, last night responded to McGregor’s challenge in typically outspoken style.

Speaking from his training camp in The Himalayas, where he’s preparing for a multi-million dollar, one-on-one theological debate with The Chief Rabbi, he told reporters: “If the money’s right I’ll be ready for this chump, no question. It’ll be a pleasure to kick his ass in front of his own omnipotent deity”

If the two camps can reach an agreement, this will be the biggest and most eagerly-awaited religious tear-up since Archbishop Robert Runcie stopped The Ayatollah Khomeini after 14 gruelling rounds of spiritual contemplation and chanting in Caesar’s Palace in Tehran in 1982.

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Outcry as Arsenal announce plans to introduce half-time dog fights


pit bull

There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval

Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.

“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.

“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”

When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”

In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.

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UKIP leader blames ‘wannabe immigrants’ for England’s cricketing woes

Ukip Spring Conference - Day 1

“Ladies and white, heterosexual gentlemen…”

Following yesterday’s heavy 3rd test match trouncing of the England cricket team by India, the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Paul Nuttall, has hit out at the Indian players, calling them ‘wannabe immigrants’ and ‘ingrates’ who are disrespecting the nation that once taught them how to behave at the table.

A clearly furious Nuttall told reporters: “These so-called sportsmen are an absolute disgrace to our great nation.

“They are ingrates, hell-bent on inflicting shame on the very nation who once patiently taught them how to use a knife and fork and from which side to pass the port.

“In my view, they are immigrant wannabes, frustrated by the fact that we don’t want them here because we’re already full.

“They think that by handing out regular sound thrashings at cricket, they are, in some way, striking back at those of us in this blessed land that don’t want them or their ilk taking jobs that white people don’t fancy doing, or who don’t want their high streets dotted with handy all-night convenience stores or establishments selling delicious food where people can dine or order a takeaway.

“In my opinion, we should implement an Australian-style policy with regards to these people whereby we hit them on the head with short-pitched deliveries or put them on an offshore island to die in squalor.”

A spokesman for the Indian Cricket Board responded to Nuttall’s outburst last night: “You lost mate. Just accept it and move on”

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F1 bombshell: Illegal immigrant to replace Nico Rosberg at Mercedes



Hot shoe: The new Mercedes driver gets some last minute instructions from his mechanic before a test drive at Jerez


World Formula 1 constructors champions, Mercedes, have announced that an illegal Somali immigrant they discovered clinging to the bottom of one of the team buses will replace retired F1 world champion, Nico Rosberg next season.

Mercedes team boss, Toto Wolff, made the surprise announcement at a press conference yesterday afternoon: “I’m delighted to announce that an illegal Somali immigrant will be replacing Nico for the 2017 season.

“We found him clinging to the chassis of Lewis Hamilton’s motor home when we arrived back in Britain after the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix last weekend and decided to give the kid a shot at the title next season.

“Let’s face it, he’ll be a lot cheaper than Fernando Alonso or Max Verstappen. We’ll get him signed on for benefits at the Jobcentre and sort him out with a shared flat near the factory for the time being. If he wants to bring his wife and kids over we’ll have a word with the Home Office.

“He’s pretty raw at the moment and has no actual motor racing experience to speak of, but we’re convinced we can train him up during the close season and that he’ll be competitive when the cars line up on the grid for the Australian Grand Prix next year”

Opinion was divided in the world of F1 last night with the sport’s supremo, Bernie Eccleston offering a guarded response to the news: “I don’t comment on driver selection as a rule, but I have to say this is an odd choice by the team.

“Personally, I’d have gone for a more experienced driver. A proper ‘balls on the dashboard’ type with a chequered history of dating glamorous women. Someone who can attract the sponsors and bring the crowds in”

F1 star, Sebastian Vettel, was even more scathing: “It’s a ridiculous choice in my view. It’s hard enough to get a drive in an F1 team these days without having illegals waltzing in and taking our jobs. I blame the bloody Schengen Agreement for all this you know. No wonder the Brits are binning the EU”

The, as yet unnamed illegal alien is currently being housed in a lockup garage in Northampton with 12 Nigerian Mercedes team mechanics and a Yemeni test driver.

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Independent Scotland Will Bid For Axis Of Evil Games


“It’s nae the winning, it’s the getting aff yer heed at the closing ceremony”


Scottish separatists have announced plans to bid for the 2016 Axis Of Evil Games if they gain independence from The United Kingdom in the forthcoming referendum.

They will join North Korea, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Cuba, Belarus and Zimbabwe in a rigged ballot for the games next year. The three week sporting extravaganza will then be staged in the capital of whichever of the rogue states can come up with the biggest bribe or issue the most credible underlying threat.
A spokesman for The Scottish Independence Party told reporters last night:
“We want to move away from the old repressive values of The British Empire and to break free from the yolk of Westminster’s rule, so what better way than to align ourselves alongside some of the most murderous and corrupt regimes on the planet.
“A free and independent Scotland must surely by definition be a sworn enemy of the countries that have for so long kept us fettered and downtrodden. We shall therefore shore up our defences and close our borders against the Welsh, the English and Northern Irish while extending the hand of friendship to those states who would see our former oppressors crushed and broken”
The games themselves are expected to feature a number of disciplines, including The 100m Dissident Dragging Behind A Horse, The Electrified Pole Vault, Capitalist Hyena Shooting, Beheading The Hostage, Stoning The Adulterous Whore, Aircraft Hijacking and School Playground Bombing.
Despite Scottish pleas to the Axis Sporting Council, tossing the caber, heavy drinking, mumbling incoherently, wife-beating, razor slashing and playing appalling Association Football have been ruled out as too extremist.
Associated Press

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Mayor Of Toronto Tipped For Triple Gold Glory In Winter Paralytics

A pair of medal hopefuls pictured going through a gruelling training schedule last night.

Controversial Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford,was last night being heavily tipped to win at least 3 gold medals at the Winter Paralytic Games which begin in Sochi this weekend.

Mr Ford, 93,whose drunken antics and crack cocaine admissions have regularly hit the headlines during the past year, is considered by many to be a virtual shoo-in to win three of the main events and is a strongly fancied outsider for a number of others

The Games, which is celebrating it’s 25th anniversary,  is now recognised as the perfect vehicle to showcase the very best that drunken sots, drug-users and hopeless stumblebums have to offer the world of sport.

The events in which Ford is being tipped for glory, are, The 5000m Speedball Skating, a gruelling discipline in which the competitors must inject a pre-race cocktail of amphetamine sulphate and heroin. They then skate around a small rink in a haphazard fashion until  they eventually collapse to the ice, shaking and clawing at their arms.

He is also strongly fancied in the stamina-sapping, Men’s 10k Beer-Athlon, where he will be up against some of the finest winos and drink-addled scum in the world, as they stagger through the snow pushing a shopping trolley laden with cans of Carlsberg Special Brew and bottles of Olde Vagrant, 35% proof, pikey cider.

However the real glittering prize for Ford could be the coveted gold medal in the blue riband event, the Men Ski Slump. In this liver-busting discipline, each alcoholic wreck will be taxed to the limits of their capacity to tuck away the grog. The first stage will see them neck down 15 pints of light and bitter with samubuca chasers. The sozzled athletes will then have skis strapped to their ill-fitting, fetid shoes before being pushed down a 95m hill to a the finish line. The gold will be awarded based on the stopwatch, with valuable bonus marks awarded to competitors for not vomiting or going to the toilet in their trousers.

Ford has allegedly been training intensively for this one, putting in literally hundreds of hours in pubs and strip clubs the length and breadth of his native city.

He has also been given an outside chance of medalling in the 200m vomit, the 1500m cross country incoherent mumbling and the thrilling climax to the games, the Men’s Four-Man Dog Sleigh in which crack teams of 4 hopeless winos hurtle down an icy track in a sled pulled by dogs on bits of string.

The opening ceremony is being staged at 19.00 tonight, during which the teams will parade unsteadily around the stadium, drinking from bottles wrapped in brown paper bags. The night will end with the spectacular lighting of the Olympic Battered Sofa. The teams will then gather round it, warming their hands and having the occasional fight with themselves before dispersing to the Olympic Cardboard Box Village to prepare for the disciplines ahead.

Mr Ford broke training in a nearby vodka refinery to speak to waiting reporters. Listing heavily to one side he told reporters that they were his “best mates” before stating that he was going to “take the fucking lot of yers”


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