Tag Archives: spoof

Japanese Soldier Discovered Fighting World WarII In Dorking

 japanese soldier

Banzai!!!!…ah.

 

Details have emerged of the discovery of a Japanese WW II veteran in a small wooded copse just outside the small  town of Dorking in Surrey.

It appears the man, now aged 97, has been waging a solitary war against The Allies for the past 70 years in the mistaken belief that he was still in the jungles of Burma surrounded by The Chindits, completely unaware that Emperor Hirohito had surrendered to  the Americans in The Potsdam Agreement of 1945.

In 1944, Toshiro Shigamitsu, a corporal in the Imperial Japanese Army, was sent on a solitary forward reconnaissance mission to locate the position of British troops. Having discovered a small patrol of Royal Engineers setting up camp by a river ,the slightly built soldier had then crawled into the rucksack of an English Lance Bombardier, intending to lie concealed until first light before launching a sneak attack on the unsuspecting Tommies.

In an ironic twist of fate, the British soldier in question went home on leave to Dorking the following morning and unwittingly took the diminutive Japanese with him, along with his belt kit and smoking paraphernalia.

It would appear that on arrival in the sleepy stockbroker belt village, the unsuspecting Oriental crawled out of the rucksack and entered a nearby copse to lay up until further orders came from his commanding officer. He then remained secreted there for the next 70 years, ready to fight and die for The Emperor.

He apparently lived on a diet consisting entirely of berries and small Grayling that he’d caught from the nearby River Mole, using a shoelace with a rudimentary hook attached. He’d then baited the hook with bits of cheese and other morsels that he’d found in the discarded sandwiches of local picnickers and hikers.

Through an interpreter, Corporal Shigamitsu spoke to  reporters last night

“As far as I was concerned the war was still on and I was determined to do my bit for The Emperor and my beloved homeland. I must admit I was a bit concerned when I didn’t hear from my unit for over 2 years, but I put it down to the fact they were probably lying low and keeping radio silence whilst luring the British into a cunning trap. “I also noticed the weather had changed considerably, and that the piercing cries of Howler Monkeys and the sound of exotic bird-call had tailed off a bit. But I was determined to stick it out. I fashioned a sturdy shelter and an ad hoc machine gun nest from bits of twigs and old shopping trolleys I found partially submerged in the river and waited for any sign of the enemy.

“As the years passed my resolve strengthened.  I felt sure that my comrades would send word at any moment that victory was ours, and that the British dogs had been cleansed from The Far East forever. However, I must confess that I sometimes yearned to be able to abandon my post and go back to my former life as a bell boy in a small hotel.

“Now that I’ve done my duty to the best of my ability, all I want to do is return home to my wife in Hiroshima. I last spoke to her in early August 1945, via a forces telephone, but our conversation was brief and ended suddenly after she said  “Hang on a moment dear, there seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle outside”

 

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Satire

Archie Pampers. Adult Baby And Clutch Guru To The Stars

Image

“gloop, glop, gurgle burp”

Dear Archie

I own a 2002 Honda Civic Sport 1.4 and have recently experienced quite severe clutch judder when moving away from lights etc. The problem seems even more acute when the vehicle is cold after being left in the garage overnight.

What do you think might be causing this and will it be expensive to repair as I’m pretty strapped for cash at the moment?

Thanks Archie

Richard Branson

Barbados

 

Dear Richard

Goo goo ga ga goo ga goo goo goo ga ga glop gloop ga ga blubberlubberlubber gloop ga ga… UNNNNNNNNNNNNNH!

WAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAH!… I done poopy plops mummy! I need a clean bum bum WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

PS. Sounds like your pressure plate may be warped or out of alignment Richard. Take it to your local clutch specialist and get them to check it out for you.

All the very best

Archie.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

2 Comments

Filed under Humour

Posh Spice Kicked Me Up The Arse Claims Oprah Winfrey

oprah

Oprah pictured in happier times before getting kicked up the arse by Posh.

American actress and talk show queen, Oprah Winfrey, has made the startling claim that she was kicked up the arse by Victoria Beckham, the wife of soccer legend, David, and former member of The Spice Girls pop group.

Miss Winfrey, 103, told a press conference last night

“I was out front doing a little gardening when I heard the sound of running feet on my driveway. I turned round and saw Posh Spice out of The Spice Girls coming full pelt towards me.

“Before I could even straighten up, she kicked me right up the arse. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. She then shouted out “Pick the bones out of that one Fatty” and just ran away. She may only be a slip of a girl but I have to tell you she has a kick like a pack mule. I expect she gets it from her husband. I don’t mind admitting I’ve got one hell of a bruise as a result. Talk about the colour purple!”

When one of our reporters called at the Beckham’s palatial home in Beverly Hills, the door was answered by Mr Beckham himself who claimed that his wife had gone back to England to see her mum. He appeared agitated and became flustered when questioned about the incident.

“Look this is absolute rubbish!” he said “Victoria’s never kicked anyone up the arse in her life as far as I’m aware. She actually loves Oprah and watches her show religiously. It must have been someone pretending to be her. Yes that’ll be it”

When questioned about similar allegations involving his wife made by other celebrities, including Clint Eastwood, who claimed Mrs Beckham had kneed him in the balls while he was shopping in the supermarket, and Mariah Carey who reported her to the police for punching her in the tits at The Oscars last month, Beckham slammed the door and refused to come out again.

A spokesperson for Ms Beckham’s PR company refused to be drawn on the incident at first but then admitted “I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be honest with you, she’s always been a surly, po-faced little cow”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

9 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Showbiz

Ask George. “Canine Coarse Angling Consultant To The Stars”

Image

“Tight Lines!”

 

Dear George

I wonder if you can help me with this one. My good friend and fellow entertainer, Robbie Williams, and myself are planning a week away from showbiz at the end of this month to go Pike fishing on Loch Lomond in Scotland.

Given that the weather conditions are likely to be pretty unfavourable and decent catches at a premium I was wondering whether you could advise us on rigs, bait, hot spots etc.

I was thinking that maybe a small live bait, perhaps a roach or perch, trolled behind a rowed dinghy, might be the way forward given the huge surface area to be covered. Robbie’s largely in agreement but thinks that a spinner or plug might be more productive.

Your advice would be most welcome George.

Yours Faithfully

Olly Murs

Essex.

 

 

Dear Olly

*scratch, scratch, grunt, snuffle, wheeze, gasp, scratch, pant, Zzzzzzzzzzz, PARP!, slobber, snuffle, drool, grunt, PARP! Grrrrrr, wheeze, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz, scratch, snuffle, lick, scratch, grunt, PARP!, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!*

All the very best lads and don’t forget…”Tight Lines!”

George

East London

PS. Try ledgering a medium dead bait, a mackerel or herring, in a sheltered inlet, using a 60lb BS line and a quality wire trace. PAAAARRRP!!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

4 Comments

Filed under Showbiz

Ted Threesome. Sexually Insane Gardening Consultant

Dear Ted

I’m a great believer in the natural healing powers of plants, fungae and herbs etc and regularly turn to my garden whenever myself or my husband are feeling under the weather with excellent results.

However I’ve never been able to grow Witch Hazel successfully thus far. Could this be down to the soil in my garden which is rather chalky?

Yours Faithfully

Mary Terry

Sheffield

Dear Mary

Do you let your husband tie you up? I bet you do don’t you, you little slut! Do you like PVC Mary? I do. I like to rub myself against PVC greenhouse covers in lady’s gardens. Are you wearing any Mary? I bet you’re not are you, you bad girl. I love it when you tease me! Oh yeah baby, you know what I like don’t you, you filthy bitch! UNH! UNH! UNH! UNH!

PS. Try growing it in a pot containing some peat-based compost.

Regards

Ted

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

10 Comments

Filed under Humour, Personal

Comrades! by My Good Friend And Decadent Imperialist Hyena, Gary Moore

comrades 1 comrades 3 comrades 5 comrades dancing large

 

 

Now then. It’s not often I feature filthy, rival satirists on this blog my friends. In fact this will be the first time anyone but myself has sullied this Shangri-La of wit and wisdom *drums fingers impatiently, waiting for gales of laughter to subside* but I am making an exception in the case of one of my dearest fiends (sp)?, and most frequently inebriated, brothers-in-satire, because he lives in France and I feel a bit sorry for him.

“Comrades” used to be a joint undertaking by myself and this lout, which used to light up the portals of a well-know satirical magazine back in the day, until we were both thrown out of the premises by the sub-editor for drunkenness, subversion, racism, and flicking the lights on and off when a female member of the editorial staff was in the ladies having a shit.

So without further ado or preamble my wuffly ickle WordPress frendzzzzzzzz, I give you “Comrades” by Gary Moore “Churchmouse” (with some much-needed, deft (not to mention, heroic) editing by moi of course!!!)

Comrades

mOnDaY:

The temperature dipped a bit today. When we thawed out the thermometer, it read -35.C

“Winter draws on” said Comrade Wife. – I thought that she’d put them on at the start of November! Still, we have a roaring bar on the electric fire and plenty of electricity to power it thanks to our glorious state energy produc…

WE THRUST THE BANNER OF FREEDOM INTO THE TESTICLES OF OUR CRAVEN ENEMIES WHO FLEE BEFORE US LIKE CARRION CROWS!!!

TuESdAY

Comrade Wife has injured herself by slipping on a frozen cow-pat at the collective farm and will be off work for 2 weeks. The doctor has told her to take things easy. I have thoughtfully advised her to take her wheeled shopping trolley with her when she sets off on the ten kilometres through the snow to get my vodka from the market in Voldosgrad. It was touching to see the tears of gratitude well up in her eyes.

There is still no sign of missing heroic cat.

OUR WOMENFOLK LAUGH AT THE PAMPERED WESTERN FLOOSIES WITH THEIR DECADENT LABOUR-SAVING TESCO ‘BUY-ON-LINE’ HOME DELIVERY

WedNEsDaY

Had a nice quiet night in with Comrade Wife last night. We settled down in front of the TV to watch a 2 hour display of Cossack dancing by the 731st Infantry Regiment, followed by ‘Denounce your Neighbour’ hosted by ‘Cheeky’ Colonel Boranavich from the 21st Moscow NKVD death squad. How the poor down-trodden workers of The West must envy our cultural superiority.

OUR GLORIOUS PIANO ACCORDIANS BRING JOY TO THE WORLD!

ThURsDaY

Spectacular display of the Northern Lights last night. We were totally spell-bound as we looked out of the hole in the wall where the window used to be, and marvelled at the coloured beams of light swirling in every direction. How foolish we felt when this morning Mr Danolski from downstairs told us that it was actually the local nuclear power station going into melt-down.

Seem to have developed a slight rash.

WE JOYOUSLY VIOLATE THE SOFT UNDERBELLY OF THE IMPERIALIST JACKALS!

FrIdAy

Wonderful news! Heroic cat has returned!. All of the family are delighted to see him as we’ve been worried for weeks. There will be a special celebratory dinner tonight as he has brought a mouse back with him.

RAISE YOUR VOICES IN EXULTATION COMRADES AS WE MARCH ON TO A GLORIOUS NEW DAWN OVER THE TWITCHING BODIES OF OUR IMPERIALIST FOES!

SaTuRdAy

Heroic Comrade Cat has gone missing again 😦

5 Comments

Filed under Satire

BBC Test Card Girl. The No-Frills Tennis Coach The Pros Can Trust

Image

Dear BBC Test Card Girl

I’m a leading tennis pro whose career has taken a bit of a downturn recently. After a couple of highly successful years in which I won The US Open, an Olympic gold medal, and reached the pinnacle of every pro’s dream by winning the Wimbledon men’s final, I find myself in a bit of a slump and have slipped down the world rankings to No.5.

My all round game is still pretty solid and I feel I’m a match for any player on the circuit when it comes to ground strokes, lobs, volleys etc. My problem is solely related to my serve. I seem to have developed a kind of nervous tic after the ball toss and find myself freezing just before I strike the ball, or sometimes, even missing the ball completely and falling over. I suppose it’s akin to the pro golfer’s “yips” or the snooker player’s inability to deliver the cue when using the long rest. I’ve tried everything I can think of to overcome this one but to no avail. I’ve even asked my mum, a top coach and advisor to some of the greatest players in the world to help me, but she just asks me if I’ve got my vest on or if I’ve been eating my greens. The other day when I asked her if yoga or pilates might help loosen  the shoulder a bit, she just spat on a corner of her hankie and wiped around my chin.

In short I just don’t know where to turn BBC Test Card Girl, so I’m praying that you can call on your long experience of coaching some of the legends of the game and help me overcome this one. If not I’ll probably just throw in the towel and take on a role in the commentary box at Wimbledon or something.

Yours Faithfully

A. Murray

Great Britain.

 

Dear Mr Murray

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime here’s some music…

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

6 Comments

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire