A 50-year-old, diesel fitter from Whitechapel in East London has made the claim that a tin mug that he bought from a local store last week is from outer space and is made from a substance unknown to man.
Toby Dell, a divorced father of 8, told journalists: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my new mug comes from somewhere in outer space.
“As soon as I got it home and had a drink of tea out it I knew that this was no ordinary mug and that it must have come from another planet or even a different galaxy.
“I took it to the science museum for analysis, but they refused to do it and told me to go away.
“They obviously realised that it was an extra-terrestrial mug and didn’t want the news getting out in case it got people worrying about an alien invasion in the future”
Mr Dell is the 2nd person to have made rather outlandish claims in recent weeks. On 3rd June, a taxi driver from neighbouring Bow told his boss that Brexit had nothing to do with inherent racism amongst the older generation and that Donald Trump was going to make America great again
Filed under Humour, Satire
He gotta big face.
The Indian government yesterday announced plans to enter the space race by sending a manned rocket to the big face of British pop star Olly Murs in January of next year. The mission is designed to land on the surface of Murs’s face, probably somewhere around the nose area, where the two astronauts hope to collect samples for analysis. These will then be examined by scientists with a view to discovering the chemical make up of his enormous dial.
Speaking from The Sashin Tendulkar Space Centre last night, a spokesman told reporters “At the moment India is a country mainly known for it’s takeaway curry houses in Brick Lane, for being half way decent at cricket, having lots of beggars and for raping women on buses. While that’s all well and good we now feel it’s time to show the rest of the world how far our technology has moved on, and what better way to do that than to land a rocket on Olly Murs’s gigantic clock”
“We plan on reaching the surface of his face 30 days after launch If everything goes according to plan. Our two astronauts will then leave the landing module and collect samples from his gigantic fizzog. These will include moisturiser residue, a few hairs from up his nose, and hopefully, scrapings of dried kebab juice from the previously unexplored chin area. It’s an ambitious undertaking and we’re fully aware of the many hazards that our boys will face, not least of which is the chance that he might start singing at some point, but we’re very confident that we can pull this off and that the two men will be back on terra firma around June or July at the very latest”
Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he was round Robbie Williams’s house, but we did manage to speak to his mother Margaret, 98, who told us “Olly’s absolutely delighted that two spacemen will be exploring his bloody great face in the new year. Singing on the telly is one thing but being part of an exciting project like this is an absolute dream come true for the moon-faced git”
If successful, this will be the most significant breakthrough in minor celebrity exploration since 1978, when two Russian Cosmonauts brought back traces of hair removal cream from the cleft in Vanessa Feltz’s absolutely gigantic arse.