Tag Archives: Soz Satire

Farage calls for Million Bigot March

farage-twat

Extreme right-wing political activist, Nigel Farage, has announced plans to stage a march on The Houses of Parliament at the end of the month to protest against what he sees as a softening of government resolve to bring about a so-called, ‘Hard Brexit’

In what is being dubbed, The One Million Bigot March, former UKIP leader, Farage is calling on feeble-minded racists throughout the country to voice their protests at the government’s recent procrastination over whether or not to push the country over a cliff into what is widely believed to an economic abyss.

Speaking on his LBC radio phone-in show, Farage was in combative mood: “I’m calling on every fair-minded and patriotic Briton to join me on a march to demonstrate to parliament the will of the people of this great nation.

“This isn’t the time for carefully-considered and pragmatic decision-making. This is the time for us all to charge over the precipice like swivel-eyed lemmings”

Farage then flew to Germany where he was a guest speaker last night at a torchlit rally to celebrate the birthday of The Beast of Belsen

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Politics, Satire

McGregor challenges Dalai Lama to megabucks ‘Pray-Off’

dalai lama boxing

“His ass will be mine by the end of Round Nine!” Lama in combative mood last night

Newly-defeated mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, last night roared out a defiant challenge to Tibetan spiritual leader, The Dalai Lama, calling for the 67-year-old Buddhist monk to meet him in a monastery of his choice for a bumper pay day, no-prayer wheels-barred, ‘pray-off’ for the right to be called the devoutest unarmed man on the planet.

Speaking to the press just hours after he was bludgeoned to defeat in Las Vegas by 40-year-old American ring legend, Floyd Mayweather, McGregor was in no mood to take prisoners:

“If The Dalai Lama thinks he’s such a spiritual hotshot then I’m prepared to give him an education in theological devotion.

“I’ll out-pray this Tibetan bitch in his own backyard if that’s what it takes. I’m going to show the world, that even though Mayweather handed me a can of Whup Ass in the ring, when it comes to offering up devotions to a higher power, I’m the fucking daddy.”

Lama, undefeated after 60 years in the temple, last night responded to McGregor’s challenge in typically outspoken style.

Speaking from his training camp in The Himalayas, where he’s preparing for a multi-million dollar, one-on-one theological debate with The Chief Rabbi, he told reporters: “If the money’s right I’ll be ready for this chump, no question. It’ll be a pleasure to kick his ass in front of his own omnipotent deity”

If the two camps can reach an agreement, this will be the biggest and most eagerly-awaited religious tear-up since Archbishop Robert Runcie stopped The Ayatollah Khomeini after 14 gruelling rounds of spiritual contemplation and chanting in Caesar’s Palace in Tehran in 1982.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, sport

My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire

The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman! The Super-Sozzled Stumblebum of Steel

stuporman

What’s that smell?! Is it a turd? Is it a drain? No!…It’s STUPORMAN!

Super sozzled storyline by Jack Daniels, Jimmy Beam, Cherry B, and Captain Morgan
Booze-addled alcoholic artwork by ‘JIF’

It was a Saturday morning like any other in downtown Whitechapel. People were thronging the market in the warm spring sunshine as the stallholders lustily called out their wares.

High above the street, in his lofty, Drinking Den of Solitude above Carpetland, Stuporman was pouring his 10th pint of Tennant’s Super of the morning. Last night had been a particularly gruelling session on the lash and he knew that he’d need to get a decent skinful under his belt before attempting the short walk to The Beggar at opening time.

Suddenly, a woman’s shrill scream pierced the air “It’s a beer lorry! It’s out of control and it’s heading this way!”

Heaving himself from the battered old sofa, The Lush of Steel staggered to the window in time to see a speeding beer delivery truck hurtle past, the driver slumped unconscious in the cab.

Stuporman realised at once that there was not a moment to lose and reeled out into the street.

Using his super dog breath, he blew the careering vehicle from its collision course with the busy market, sending it crashing harmlessly into a nearby scrap yard.

Realising the danger still hadn’t passed, and that precious drinking time was being wasted, the sozzled superhero stumbled unsteadily towards the wreckage.

Using his super strength, he heaved two huge crates of Skol Special Strength from the back of the truck and settled down next to a wrecked Vauxhall Viva to tuck in.

A small child approached him nervously as he was tearing the ring pull from his 2nd can.

“Thank you Stuporman,” said the youngster falteringly “What would we do without you?”

“Struggling to focus on the small figure, Stuporman rose unsteadily to his feet.

“Are you starin’ at my pint?” he slurred. “I’ll take the fuckin’ lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”

NEXT WEEK: The Stumblebum of Steel battles against his old arch-enemy, Chunder Woman, as they fight over a job clearing the glasses and emptying the slop trays after last orders in The Blind Beggar

 

1 Comment

Filed under Humour

President Assad “quite pleased” with haiku debut on WordPress

assad-wikicommons--620x436

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.

The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told  SoZ Satire:

“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.

“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”

Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.

Here is the piece in full:

I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.

Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

Furious Trump to play golf for 2 weeks in honour of Syrian gas attack victims.

The Trump International Golf Links Course Opens

 White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.

“The President was so upset and angry last night when he heard the news.” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he’d play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He feels that it’s the least he can do”

In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire

ITV viewers statistically less likely to be able to rub their tummies and talk at the same time, says report

stupid woman

An ITV viewer pictured last night

A recent in-depth report into Britain’s TV viewing habits has found that people who watch ITV on a regular basis are far less likely to be able to perform simple tasks, such as rubbing their tummies and talking simultaneously, or of spelling fairly rudimentary words, such as; ‘dog’ and ‘a’

The report has also found that people who watch shows like The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent are statistically far more likely to be fat and ugly and to have voted for Brexit.

Soz Satire asked people to write to our news desk with their reaction but we received no response, although we did get a few rather nice drawings of dinosaurs and people’s mums in the garden done in green crayon.

Leave a comment

Filed under Humour, Satire