She may not still be with us but this gauge is
The Soz Satire Mint is delighted to offer you the chance to purchase any number of these lovingly crafted, commemorative, tyre tread depth gauges, either in six easy instalments or via a one-off payment offering absolutely no discount whatsoever.
Fashioned from the purest low-grade iron ore by our highly-skilled team of Somali asylum seekers, this beautiful little gauge will grace any sideboard or garage wall and serve as a fitting tribute to our beloved Princess Of Hearts, who was so cruelly taken from us on that dreadful night back in 1990 something.
Each gauge comes in it’s own genuine plastic pouch with a picture of Princess Di stuck to it with Bostik
We can also vouch for the functionality of each piece, which will accurately measure – give or take a few millimetres – the depth of your tyre tread so that you can ensure each groove is at least 2mm deep or whatever the limit is these days.
We are so convinced you will be absolutely delighted with your purchase we are offering a no quibble, money-back guarantee if you inform us of any problem, in writing, within an hour of delivery.
Stocks are limited so order yours now to avoid missing out on this never to be repeated offer. Simply bring a bankers draft for £2000 or a bag of gold Kruger Rands round to our offices at The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel East London, where a member of our friendly sales team will be only to happy to take your money before sidling out into the street with his collar turned up.
Declaration: I fully realise that The Soz Satire Mint has no obligation whatsoever to deliver or hand over the goods for which I am paying and that the chances of them doing so are very slim, bordering on non-existent. I am quite elderly/a vulnerable member of society with absolutely no idea how to make legal redress after being defrauded. My address is …………..and I am usually out from………to……… I do/do not have a dog. Signed ………….
A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle
A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.
Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.
An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.
“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk
“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.
“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.
“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”
This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.
Filed under Humour, Satire
Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.
Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.
Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.
Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”
The powerful storm which is due to hit parts of Britain overnight has now been upgraded to a ThunderBitchCockBasher say The Met Office.
Veteran forecaster, Bill McCaskill, told us: “Eleanor is now officially a ThunderBitchCockBasher and could cause significant damage in exposed areas. Particularly to exposed cocks.
“The Met Office is advising anyone thinking of making an unnecessary journey with their cock out to think again. Especially women, who will be totally unused to having their cocks bashed and could easily become hysterical”
The storm has already hit the west coast of Ireland with people reporting flying wellies in coastal areas and with one woman reporting waves of over 9 feet on the top of her draught Guinness.
Please dont tweet or otherwise share any content found on here. The editor of the magazine that runs this stuff gets as angry as fuck. Thanks – Ed.
An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.
A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.
Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.
“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”
Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.
Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night
Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.
Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”
Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.
Filed under Comedy, Humour
In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin
Facebook whining in the olden days
A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.
The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.
A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.
These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.
Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.
Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”
She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”
Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”
Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”
It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.
Extreme right-wing political activist, Nigel Farage, has announced plans to stage a march on The Houses of Parliament at the end of the month to protest against what he sees as a softening of government resolve to bring about a so-called, ‘Hard Brexit’
In what is being dubbed, The One Million Bigot March, former UKIP leader, Farage is calling on feeble-minded racists throughout the country to voice their protests at the government’s recent procrastination over whether or not to push the country over a cliff into what is widely believed to an economic abyss.
Speaking on his LBC radio phone-in show, Farage was in combative mood: “I’m calling on every fair-minded and patriotic Briton to join me on a march to demonstrate to parliament the will of the people of this great nation.
“This isn’t the time for carefully-considered and pragmatic decision-making. This is the time for us all to charge over the precipice like swivel-eyed lemmings”
Farage then flew to Germany where he was a guest speaker last night at a torchlit rally to celebrate the birthday of The Beast of Belsen