Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.
Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.
Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.
Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”
The powerful storm which is due to hit parts of Britain overnight has now been upgraded to a ThunderBitchCockBasher say The Met Office.
Veteran forecaster, Bill McCaskill, told us: “Eleanor is now officially a ThunderBitchCockBasher and could cause significant damage in exposed areas. Particularly to exposed cocks.
“The Met Office is advising anyone thinking of making an unnecessary journey with their cock out to think again. Especially women, who will be totally unused to having their cocks bashed and could easily become hysterical”
The storm has already hit the west coast of Ireland with people reporting flying wellies in coastal areas and with one woman reporting waves of over 9 feet on the top of her draught Guinness.
Please dont tweet or otherwise share any content found on here. The editor of the magazine that runs this stuff gets as angry as fuck. Thanks – Ed.
An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.
A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.
Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.
“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”
Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.
Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night
Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.
Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”
Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.
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In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin
Facebook whining in the olden days
A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.
The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.
A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.
These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.
Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.
Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”
She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”
Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”
Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”
It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.