Tag Archives: South Africa

South African Police Kill Everybody

South African Police Officers pictured helping an elderly man to cross the road last night.

News was emerging last night that following reports of unrest in the South African township of Soweto last week, further heavy handed tactics have been deployed by the security forces resulting in the death of the entire populace.

It is believed that the widespread massacre began early on Wednesday morning and was completed late Friday evening leaving just under 50 million dead and one wounded.

The lone survivor, Mr Jonas Nkoma, 29,, a flight attendant on South African Airways, looked visibly shaken as he spoke to reporters and described the carnage.

“I’d just returned from a long haul flight to Dubai and was making my way across the tarmac to the terminal building when I noticed a number of bullet riddled bodies littering the runway and the grass verges” he stated.

“At first I thought a few of the cabin crew and terminal staff had been partying the night before and were sleeping off the Mealy Meal grog before resuming their duties, but I quickly realised something wasn’t quite right when I noticed a number of them had their wrists bound behind their backs and had bullet wounds to the back of the head, whilst the women were all naked and had the burnt carcasses of car tyres around their necks.

“I immediately turned back to report my findings to the pilot and remaining crew, but when I was just a few metres from the aircraft I was shot in the back of the thigh by a sniper bullet. Seconds later a number of shoulder launched missiles struck the fuselage of the plane, destroying it completely.

” I must have lain there amongst the smouldering debris for around 5 or 6 hours before making my escape and sheltering in an airport staff, rhino whip store. It was absolutely terrible and for something like this to happen so soon after the passing of Nelson Mandela is so tragic”

A spokesperson for the South African police, Chief Inspector Dirk Van Kripps, 54, an officer for 25 years and former tooth mug wallah to the late Prime Minister Jan Christiaan Smuts, made a brief statement to the media from outside police headquarters in downtown Johannesburg last night.

“In the current climate of unrest that pervades the country at this moment in time we believed that stern action was called for so we killed everybody.

“You can’t be too careful in this day and age, and given a similar set of circumstances, I’d have absolutely no hesitation in slaughtering the entire population again in an effort to carry out my duty in protecting the public”

South African President, Jacob Zuma, and members of the government were remaining tight lipped last night after having been mown down in a hail of machine gun fire during an afternoon cabinet meeting on Thursday.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Nelson Mandela Drops 1 Ton Weight Onto Justin Bieber From Hospital Balcony

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In a surprise move, iconic South African ex-president, Nelson Mandela, yesterday dropped a 1 ton weight onto the head of Canadian pop singer, Justin Bieber, as the star arrived to visit sick children in a hospital in Cape Town.

The singer, who had arrived 4 hours late for his shameless public relations-staged appointment, was said to be stunned by Mandela’s actions and looked visibly shaken after the weight was pulled off him by a crane.

Emerging from a hole in the pavement the exact shape of his body, and with an enormous lump on his head with a bit of hair on it, Bieber, 12, told pressmen “Nobody could have been more surprised than me when Nelson Mandela dropped a ton weight on my head. I had just arrived, under protest, for my  stage-managed appearance so that I could pretend to care about sick kids, when the weight hit me. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean to say it’s not the kind of thing you expect from the father of the nation is it?”

When asked if he’d be attempting a second visit in the future, Bieber took a girly swing at a cameraman and shouted “No I wont! I hate Nelson Mandela and I hate South Africa! I will never come back…EVER, and the same goes for Britain”

Mandela gave a brief statement from his hospital bed last night.

“I heard a bit of a rumpus from down in the street and spotted Justin Bieber with his entourage right below my balcony.  I quickly grabbed a 1 ton weight and dropped it on him. It was an opportunity to good to miss in all honesty. Let’s face it you’d have done the same thing in my shoes”

Bieber was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother Brenda, 107, who told us “Look I know he’s a talentless, irritating little turd with about as much charisma as a sideboard, but there’s no need for that is there? Why couldn’t Mr Mandela have just taken a leaf from Justin’s book and spat on him like my boy did to his fans the other day? I for one wont be voting for him in the next election and that’s a fact. To be honest I’d much prefer a white man in charge anyway. I mean let’s face it, we all would”

This latest incident is considered by many to be the worst case of celebrity bullying from a politico since the then Kenyan president, Jomo Kenyatta, urinated into British pop star Lulu’s ear while she was sitting reading a novel in The British Library in 1965.

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