Tag Archives: soccer

Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce Loose Women In 2014 Version

A few young hopefuls waiting for autographs and impregnation pictured outside Upton Park last night.

Table football icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a series of figures representing the gold digging floozies that throw themselves at Premier League players with an eye to getting in the family way by them, or selling their stories to the Sunday papers
Mr Christopher McManus, marketing director for the company, told us “We pride ourselves on our accurate representation of the world of professional football, so it seems  only logical that we produce a range of scantily clad hussies that will approach the players after each game and offer them sexual favours in return for a few glasses of bubbly and a chance to get themselves pregnant in a plush hotel room the very same evening.”
 “We intend to make a fairly extensive range of strumpets, with blondes, brunettes and the odd ginger one, just to be on the safe side”
 “Each model will come with a detachable base so that they can be laid on the pitch with their legs open, or even bent over a crush barrier, and sorted out in one of our model grandstands”
“To increase authenticity each figure will come with a small handbag containing cigarettes, makeup, a condom with holes in it and their knickers”
 The skilled  and diligent Subbuteo enthusiast will soon be able to flick these figures towards players as they come off the pitch. At the point of collision a small spring loaded device in the base will make all their clothes fall off.”
 “Our team of model makers are currently working on a heavily pregnant version who will turn up outside the dressing rooms before games demanding exorbitant maintenance payments along with a house and an Aston Martin.”
 When questioned as to whether a scheming rent boy version was being considered for gay players, Mr McManus said “Not at present as none of the players want to come out of the closet. The queer ones will just have to content themselves with having a crafty butchers  at their team mates nobs in the showers or masturbating furtively under the water in the communal bath”
 
Advance sales are reportedly brisk with the main interest coming from the Essex area.

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Subbuteo Table Soccer To Introduce First Gay Player

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Furious homophobic players protesting outside a box last night.

In a ground breaking move announced last night, table soccer icons, Subbuteo, have unveiled plans to include a gay player in the next incarnation of their world famous football game. A spokesperson for the company told assembled media

 “We live in a diverse and far more enlightened world these days and we want to reflect this by including a gay player in one of the teams for our 2014 edition. Although we dont wish to draw undue attention to the sexuality of  the player, he will be instantly recognisable by his distinctive pink base and slightly effeminate, hands on hips, stance. We have also included a micro chip sensor in the model which will make it say “Oooh you are awful” when subjected to a heavy challenge and “Last one in the shower’s a big softie. Chase me, chase me!” when the full time whistle is blown. We haven’t yet decided which of the 92 clubs that we include in our range will be fielding the player, but Brighton And Hove Albion are certainly amongst the front-runners”
 
While the move is expected to be largely welcomed by the professional football world, a spokesman for The PFA, the player’s union, did voice some misgivings when told of the plan.
 
“A bloody arse bandit in Subbuteo! You’re kidding me right? They’ll be including bloody sambos next! I hope to God they give it its own cut-out slot in the box, well away from the other lads. Jesus Christ, please tell me this is a wind up!”
 
Subbuteo plan to launch the gay-friendly version on October 14 2014, to coincide with the Gay Pride carnival in Rio De Janeiro and the birthday of Cliff Richard.

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