Tag Archives: situations vacant

SITUATIONS VACANT: Trainspotter Required For Dorking Area.

A train pictured yesterday just before entering a tunnel in a lewd and suggestive manner.

A small well appointed railway station in Dorking, Surrey, are actively seeking a full time trainspotter to carry out light clerical duties.

The sinister, poorly dressed inadequate we’re looking for should have a good working knowledge of rolling stock dating back to The Age Of Steam and be able to produce a full back catalogue of train serial numbers going back at least 5 years.

A furtive demeanour and a clinical history of social phobia with a criminal record for minor sexual offences, particularly indecent exposure towards minors, will also be looked on favourably.

The successful applicant must be fully prepared to stand for hours on end in all types of weather conditions, jotting down train numbers into a battered notebook.  A  few breaks may be taken during quiet times to sip a weak lemon drink and eat a couple of Marmite sandwiches,which preferably, should have been made earlier by the applicants elderly mother.

The ability to masturbate inside your trousers when schoolchildren are on the platform will also count greatly in the successful applicants favour, although some training will be given in this area

People who have committed a number of grisly murders undetected and who can show evidence of human remains under the patio at home will be fast tracked straight onto the short list.

A full uniform, consisting of hideous, suspiciously stained catalogue trousers and battered fake leather sandals, along with a torn string vest and floral short sleeved shirt will be provided, but pink rimmed National Health Service spectacles held together by Elastoplast must be supplied by the applicant.

If you feel that you fit the bill and are keen to join our enthusiastic team of jobless, inadequate sexual deviants, then get your mum to fill in a CV on your behalf, after she’s made your poached eggs on toast with spaghetti hoops, and send it to:

The Station Master
Dorking South Station
Surrey.

People with girlfriends either past or present need not apply.

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Apprentice Motor Vehicle Technician Required.

A young hopeful waits patiently for interview.

A friendly, franchised garage in East London are seeking a disinterested, surly little bastard, for a varied number of tasks in our busy workshop.

The taciturn, spotty little turd we seek, should be totally unwilling to carry out any task we might suggest, and be able to grunt incoherently, and grudgingly haul himself from a chair sporting  a protruding lower lip, whenever called upon to do anything that’s vaguely approaching work.

An overbearing mother that will barge into the front office with a face like thunder, complaining on an almost daily basis that her child is being “treated like a bloody skivvy”, despite the fact he hasn’t lifted a finger for days, would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

The complete inability to know one end of a spanner from the other will also be looked upon favourably, as will a ghastly prison pallor, a testament to spending weeks on end in the bedroom, playing on a hand held games consul.

Overalls, safety boots and ear defenders will all be provided, although a pair of ridiculous, baggy trousers, stolen trainers and a laughable baseball cap worn back to front, must be supplied by the applicant himself. Full training on masturbating into a sock will  also be provided, but applicants must be prepared to be thrown into the waste oil tank if caught by a senior technician.

​If you think you fulfil most, or all, of the above criteria, have rudimentary mumbling skills and all the personality and charm of a garden shed, get your mum or probation officer to scrawl a, largely illegible, piece of risibly punctuated drivel on one of our application forms, available on request and send to:

Teddy Prendergast Motors
Unit 4
The Arches
Cripplegate
East London

Image by Mina

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Typical British Family Required

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Graphic by Mina.

A Typical British Family are needed by the Broadcasters’ Audience Research Board, to watch and comment on, a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night TV schedules.

​The sorry collection of feckless, moronic dullards we seek, should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her council property for stripping out all the copper piping, and a spotty little teenage pillock, perferably with an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable, although not essential.

​The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows, including fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who can’t carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers, whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on, and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love, who can sing a little bit and by so doing make the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment, and even weep with emotion, despite the fact that they’ve seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal.

​If you think your family are objectionable enough to fit the bill, please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

​Britain’s Got Problems.

Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.
Sunderland

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SITUATIONS VACANT: Senior Vagrant Required.

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A number of hopefuls pictured last night wait nervously for interview.

A park bench in Shoreditch, East London, has an exciting opening for an experienced gentleman of the road with at least 5 years experience of drunkenness and anti social behaviour under his piece of string belt.

The purple faced stumblebum we seek should be able to display good muttering skills and be prepared to spend a good percentage of his/her time shouting at traffic or lying comatose in their own piss.

A good working knowledge of staggering through shopping malls with a dog on a bit of string will also be looked on favourably as will the ability to start fights with yourself in a public library or a telephone box.

The successful applicant will be expected to supply their own ill fitting fetid trousers and battered, sick encrusted trilby, but a pair of old boots with no laces in will be provided and may be collected from one of the dustbins round the back of the shopping precinct.

DO YOU have a proven track record of shouting aggressively in the faces of passers by?

CAN YOU push a pram containing all your worldly possessions packed into plastic bags and operate a radio with no front on?

ARE YOU a proven drink addled wreck with a long history of soiling yourself in underpasses?

CAN YOU boast years of chronic liver disease?

If you can answer “Yesh yer fuckin’ bashtas yersh! Fuuuuuuuck!” to all of the above criteria then stagger into Shoreditch Town Hall reeking of stale piss and collapse over the desk of the bloke on security. Then simply ask for a form to shove up the back of your jumper to keep your kidneys warm without delay.

No down and out journalists or disgraced MPs.

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