Tag Archives: showbiz

My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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Allepo to hold minutes silence for Manuel out of Fawlty Towers

 

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Devastated: Syrian youngsters express their grief at the death of Manuel out of Fawlty Towers

 

The beleaguered residents of the war-torn town of Aleppo are to hold a minutes silence later today as a mark of respect for Manuel out of the popular comedy show, Fawlty Towers, who died yesterday from being very old.

We spoke to one man as he crawled from the rubble of his home following a Russian airstrike that had just wiped out his wife and children, “I was pretty cut up when the Russians took out the wife and kids just now, but this news that Manuel out of Fawlty Towers has died at a ripe old age has come as a real hammer blow.

“It’s only decent that those of us who haven’t yet been blown apart by Russian bombers should hold a minutes silence to pay our respects”

We spoke to a Kremlin representative last night, who told us: “A minutes silence eh? Well, we’ll just have to see about that won’t we comrade”

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SoZ Satire’s Bollywood Choice

bollywood

Oh Blimey!

Click above for hilarious film footage

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Satirical Magazine Helps Record Number Of Unattractive Women Find Love

ugly

“I couldn’t get a man to save my life until the updated Halloween issue of Soz came out, now I’m up the duff with George Clooney’s kid. Thanks Soz Satire”

 

Following the launch of the updated Halloween issue of Soz Satire magazine yesterday, a record number of extremely ugly females have reported a dramatic rise in the number of attractive men wanting to make love to them.

The phenomenon has been attributed to the extremely poor quality of the jokes in the publication leading to men choosing to do anything other than read it.

Here are a few testimonials from desperate male readers:

“I started to read the updated version of Soz Satire last night but found it so unfunny I immediately went next door and got my leg over a hideous looking old tugboat” – Brad Pitt

“The updated version was so utterly devoid of any good jokes I gave a diabolical old hound a back scuttling in the pub bogs” – Johnny Depp

“The revamped Halloween issue made me want to give a dodgy looking munter a portion rather than read on, but it was so crap I couldn’t get the horn so I hit Justin Bieber with an iron bar instead” – Orlando Bloom.

Here’s a link to the mag in question so you can judge for yourselves my friends:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: Don’t blame me if you end up bollocks deep in some four-eyed, 22 stoner with thrush and a lazy eye before you get to the skit about Cheryl Cole in the Personal & Classified Ads section ok?

SOZ Satire - Ocotober 2014

 

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Posh Spice Kicked Me Up The Arse Claims Oprah Winfrey

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Oprah pictured in happier times before getting kicked up the arse by Posh.

American actress and talk show queen, Oprah Winfrey, has made the startling claim that she was kicked up the arse by Victoria Beckham, the wife of soccer legend, David, and former member of The Spice Girls pop group.

Miss Winfrey, 103, told a press conference last night

“I was out front doing a little gardening when I heard the sound of running feet on my driveway. I turned round and saw Posh Spice out of The Spice Girls coming full pelt towards me.

“Before I could even straighten up, she kicked me right up the arse. To say I was surprised would be an understatement. She then shouted out “Pick the bones out of that one Fatty” and just ran away. She may only be a slip of a girl but I have to tell you she has a kick like a pack mule. I expect she gets it from her husband. I don’t mind admitting I’ve got one hell of a bruise as a result. Talk about the colour purple!”

When one of our reporters called at the Beckham’s palatial home in Beverly Hills, the door was answered by Mr Beckham himself who claimed that his wife had gone back to England to see her mum. He appeared agitated and became flustered when questioned about the incident.

“Look this is absolute rubbish!” he said “Victoria’s never kicked anyone up the arse in her life as far as I’m aware. She actually loves Oprah and watches her show religiously. It must have been someone pretending to be her. Yes that’ll be it”

When questioned about similar allegations involving his wife made by other celebrities, including Clint Eastwood, who claimed Mrs Beckham had kneed him in the balls while he was shopping in the supermarket, and Mariah Carey who reported her to the police for punching her in the tits at The Oscars last month, Beckham slammed the door and refused to come out again.

A spokesperson for Ms Beckham’s PR company refused to be drawn on the incident at first but then admitted “I wouldn’t be at all surprised to be honest with you, she’s always been a surly, po-faced little cow”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Hermione Lawsuit-Prude. Litigious Sex Counsellor To The Stars.

Dear Hermione

I’m an extremely well known entertainer and gameshow host, with a career in TV light entertainment stretching back more than 40 years. During that time I’ve built up a reputation as one of the showbiz world’s “good guys”, but I’m terrified that my popularity will be completely destroyed overnight if my tawdry, secret life came into the public domain.

You’ve probably heard this one a thousand times before from various other confidantes Hermione, but I’ve always been interested in human bodily functions coupled with marine exploration.

I think my predilection for this type of thing may have started when I was a child. I used to watch The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau on Sunday evenings after one of my mother’s huge Sunday dinners, and would invariably find myself in need of a bowel movement during the episode. However I was always loathe to wait until the adverts came on to relieve myself. Particularly if it was about sharks or something exciting like that. I therefore used to regularly soil myself and have a bit of a clean-up after the music came on at the end. It was so pleasurable, and at the time,  seemed like the most natural thing in the world

My interest in this area now manifests itself a little differently as I shall now explain:

Around 3 or 4 times a week I wait until my wife is engrossed in a TV programme and then put on a deep sea diver’s suit. I then go out to the sceptic tank in the grounds of my house and, by means of a hand-operated stirrup pump, fill the suit with raw sewage before rolling around on the lawn until I reach a climax.

My wife is fully aware of my needs and has been very supportive. She even sluices me down with the garden hose following an episode, and always ensures that the viewing glass in my helmet is clean and condensation-free.

My fear, is that in this day of the scandal-hungry paparazzi, I may one day fall victim to a long lens and find my career and reputation destroyed overnight.

Please help me if you can Hermione as the strain is starting to take it’s toll and I have even begun to harbour dark thoughts about taking my own life.

Name Withheld

Blackpool

Dear Name

You filthy beast! I shall be contacting my solicitor first thing in the morning.

Fondest Best Wishes

Hermione.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Justin Bieber: “I’m Going To Live On Olly Murs’s Big Face And I’m Taking Honey Boo Boo With me”

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Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, has made the surprise announcement that he’s going to quit the music business and set up home on the enormous face of his British counterpart, Olly Murs, accompanied by US child star, Honey Boo Boo.

Bieber, 11, spoke to reporters from outside his home in Toronto last night.

“I’ve had it with being a pop star and all the hassle that goes with it. These last few months have been hell for me, and to be honest with you, I don’t think people understand how tough it can be being constantly in the public eye. I can’t even go to the can without some damn pap with a long lens trying to get a money shot of my cock. I’ve therefore decided to get the hell out and set up home on the gigantic face of Olly Murs and I’m taking Honey Boo Boo with me. She’s been my rock right throughout all this bullshit. We’ve laughed together, cried together and to say that we’re now great buddies don’t even come close gentlemen. She’s agreed to come with me and help me search for a quiet spot to build our new home, probably somewhere behind one of his ears or just beneath the hairline where we can get the peace and quiet we both hanker for”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother, Martha, 109, who told us.

“I have to tell you Olly’s none too pleased at the prospect of having an unpleasant little turd like Justin setting up home on his massive dial, but the bottom line is he needs the cash. In any case it’s better than having Vanessa Feltz taking up residence there. I mean to say imagine having that bloody great arse plonking itself down on the tip of your nose half a dozen times a day!”

The announcement, which will dismay Bieber’s millions of fans worldwide, comes just days after the President of Nigeria revealed plans to move the entire population of the country onto Simon Cowell’s forehead.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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