Tag Archives: Sherlock Holmes

THE CASEBOOK OF SHERLOCK HOMOPHOBE: THE ANTI-GAY AND LESBIAN VICTORIAN DETECTIVE.

sherlock

The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero Avenue in Brighton, Sussex. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

Mincing – I say, Homophobe! Have you seen The Times obituary column this morning? Lord Rutherford has died in the most singular of circumstances. This could be worth investigating further in my opinion. What do you say old friend?

Homophobe – Are you trying to gay me up Mincing? Now look here you raving nancy boy; I’ve had just about enough of your perverse innuendos and your ill-disguised attempts to bed me. Now get out before I summon the magistrate and have you charged with lewd conduct and attempted buggery!

Mincing – !!!!!

Next Week: Homophobe accuses Mincing of looking up his trouser leg in The British Library

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THE CASEBOOK OF SHERLOCK HOMOPHOBE: THE ANTI-GAY AND LESBIAN VICTORIAN DETECTIVE #3

sherlock

“Are you staring down my bra Mincing?”

The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero Avenue in Brighton, Sussex. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

Mincing – I say Homophobe, a young woman has been found slain in the most singular of circumstances! Her body was found lifeless in her room with two puncture marks in her neck. According to a servant, her last words were: “The band!…the speckled band!” I think we should take the next train to her home without delay and investigate this chilling case further. Come along old friend! The game’s afoot man!

Homophobe – You accursed deviant Mincing! I saw you eyeing my trouser front just then sirrah! No doubt you’re hoping there’ll be but a single room at the local inn when we reach our destination so that you can watch me undressing. No doubt you’ll feast your eyes on my pert, white buttocks before bumming me in the dead of night while I lay in an opium-induced coma! Now get out before I call a constable and have you flogged in Pentonville prison for indulging in unnatural practices and a breach of the peace!

Mincing – !!!!!!!

NEXT WEEK: Homophobe accuses Mincing of stealing his underwear from the washing line and using his long john’s as a masturbatory aid.

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Martha Colon-Boil. Profane Sherlock Holmes Guru.

ugly 2

Dear Martha

Hi. I’m a 22 year old university student, studying for a degree in English Literature at Sussex University in England. I’m currently writing a thesis based on Conan Doyle’s second Sherlock Holmes novel, The Sign Of Four, and having now read it a number of times  I cant help wondering whether the character of “Tonga”, the murderous, pygmy-like companion of the vengeance-seeking, ex-soldier, Private Small, is an analogy for the darker side of the author’s psyche. It’s widely known that Conan Doyle had an explosive temper and was prone to periods of deep depression when he became taciturn, unapproachable, and even on occasion, extremely violent.

Perhaps Tonga was a “hat tip” towards this side of CD’s nature and maybe even a catharsis in some way. I should be most interested and extremely grateful for any views you may have on this one.

Yours Respectfully

Jade Cokefiend

Dublin

Dear Jade

Fuck off!

Your friend and fellow enthusiast

Martha

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Classics #23,512

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s mum pictured calling him in for his tea in 1890.

This week: The Sign Of Four conveyed using a faulty, ship-to-ship, Aldis Lamp.

Chapter One.

Flash Blank Flash Flash Blank Wink Blank “This really is a most singular case Watson” Flash Blank Wink Flash Blank Winkety.

Chapter Two

Flash Blank Wink Blank Winkety Blank “Good Lord Holmes, these footprints bear all the indications of having been made by a small child!” Flash Wink Blank Flash!

Chapter Three

Wink Flash Blank Wink Clickety “The games afoot Watson. I believe we’ve flushed out our quarry old friend” Blank Wink Flash Blank Flash.

Chapter Four

Wink Blank Flash Blank Click Flash Flash… BLAM!!! “Capital shooting Watson! I do believe you’ve got the stunted little fiend!  That dart almost put paid to me!”  Flash Flash Blank Clickety Blank.

Chapter Five

Blank Flash Click Blankety Flash “Now look here Small. I have every sympathy with your plight but we can’t have Amazonian tribesmen firing poisoned darts all over South London. Take him away Inspector” Flash Blank Flash Click Blank.

Final Chapter

Wink Flash Blank Flash Flash “Ah there you are Mrs Hudson! Would you be so good as to fetch me some tea and a plug of opium my good wom… Fizzz Splutter Fizzzzzzz POP!

“Bugger!”

Next week: The Song Of Hiawatha in Braille.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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General Medical Council Accused Of Witch Hunt As Dr Watson Is Struck Off

Former patients of Dr Watson angrily protesting his innocence outside the GMC offices last night.

 

 

The British Medical Association are claiming that their members are being unfairly targeted following the recent furore surrounding the posthumous striking off of Sherlock Holmes loyal companion, Dr John H Watson, from The Medical Register last week.

 Watson’s track record as a GP was examined by the General Medical Council after a number of aggrieved relatives came forward claiming that he’d been guilty of gross negligence whilst treating their forebears in the 1880s, due largely to the fact that he was constantly absent from his London surgery owing to his frequent adventures with the famous Baker Street sleuth, and that he’d often miss house calls to go wandering around bleak moorland in search of spectral hounds and would even give patients the wrong medicine after becoming preoccupied with plotting the downfall of Holmes’s arch nemesis Moriarty.

 Since the investigation a number of other relatives have come forward with similar complaints aimed at a variety of physicians, including Dr Fu Man Chu, Dr Jekyll, and Doctor Doom out of Marvel Comics.

 A spokesman for the BMA told reporters. “Whilst we realise that Watson was a pretty dismal physician, and perhaps would have been better suited to a career at Scotland Yard, my colleagues and I feel very strongly that there’s been an almost unhealthy zeal about the way the media has handled this business which quite frankly borders on hysteria. People’s lives and careers are at stake here and immense care has to be taken to ensure that only the guilty are brought to book.”

Fresh rumours were  ignited last night as the Twitter social networking site was swamped by an avalanche of tweets, making thus far, unfounded allegations and complaints about Dr Josef Mengele, dubbed The Angel Of Death, who, it is alleged, conducted a number of macabre and grotesque experiments on concentration camp prisoners during the second world war.

 His great grandson Herman Mengele strongly defended his grandfather last night saying. “He may well have experimented on helpless camp internees but he didn’t want to do it, Hitler forced him into it.. He wanted to let them off!”

We tried to speak to a local GP to obtain his views on the matter but his receptionist told us that he was far too busy, no matter how sick we were, and slammed the phone down.

 

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