Tag Archives: satire

Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Vegas Massacre: The President Speaks Out

trump a sick man

More as we get it

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The Art of Blogging (Bullshit-Free Edition)

wordpress val

I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.

The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ

1: Write any old shit

2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent

3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm

4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit

THE END

Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette

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Outcry as Arsenal announce plans to introduce half-time dog fights

 

pit bull

There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval

Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.

“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.

“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”

When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”

In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.

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Right-Wing Types in Talks to Make, ‘Charlie Gard: The Musical’

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Farage speaks during an interview with Reuters in London

It is understood that a collection of unpleasant, right-wing demagogs are in advanced talks about a making a full-length, all-singing, all-dancing musical about the tragic youngster, Charlie Gard, whose parents lost a battle to have the child flown to America for treatment this week despite cautionary warnings of its futility from the most respected paediatric specialists in the world at London’s iconic, Great Ormond Hospital For Sick Children.

According to widespread rumours, Daily Mail boss, Paul Dacre has joined forces with fellow newspaper mogul, Rupert Murdoch, to produce an extravaganza based on the short and tragic life of Charlie and the constant heroic battle fought by his parents to remain in the media spotlight while refusing to face clinical facts with regards to their doomed child.

At the time of going to press it is understood that the controversial media personality and columnist, Katie Hopkins, has been approached to play the child’s mother, while ex-UKIP leader and close friend of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage has already  begun singing lessons and has accepted the role of the dad.

In other related news, Charlie’s parents are due back in court today pleading for a few more days in the media spotlight, where they hope to be further feted by the right-wing press and greeted with more supportive chanting outside the court building and hospital from people with extremely low IQs.

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Government launch urgent Grenfell Tower fire investigation after Chelsea woman reports soot stains on her net curtains.

 

Grenfell-Tower-Fire-Huge-Blaze-Breaks-Out-in-24-Storey-Residential-Block

A blot on the landscape. Grenfell Tower pictured upsetting the neighbours yesterday

 

Prime Minister, Theresa May, has ordered a top-level enquiry into the causes of the devastating fire that raged through 27 floors of Grenfell Towers in North Kensington yesterday after the wife of a venture capitalist complained to her local authority that soot and small fragments of burnt debris from the fire had collected on her net curtains.

Mrs Mary Fotherington-Smythe, 52, told reporters gathered outside her home in Cheyney Walk, Chelsea, last night: “The Filipina girl had just washed the nets and hung them at the window to the billiards room when I noticed that some sooty smuts had been blown onto them from that blasted fire up the road in the poor area.

“It really is not good enough and I have complained personally to The Lord Mayor of London who expressed his concern and has informed the Prime Minister.

“It’s bad enough that my husband and I were kept awake half the night by all the fire engines and ambulances that were going to the aid of these wretched people.

“I don’t wish to appear heartless, but if these individuals didn’t wish to be incinerated in their homes they should have moved to somewhere decent like Reigate in Surrey.

“We have friends there in actual fact and you never hear of them having to endure fire debris and the burnt remains of their neighbours soiling their net curtains”

In other related news, firefighters continue to search the still smouldering building for more bodies. The present death toll is 12. A figure that is expected to rise significantly as the grim search continues.

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My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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