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May 6, 2018 · 06:00

Palestinian who leaned against his fence killed by Israeli sniper.

 

Military Ceremony in Gaza

A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle

 

A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.

Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.

An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.

“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk

“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.

“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.

“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”

This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.

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Trump goes to bed at 5.30 and reads to his ‘blanky’ until it’s time for sleepies at 6.00 claims Steve Bannon.

extra WTF!

Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.

Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.

Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.

Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”

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Filed under Comedy, Humour, Politics, Satire

BREAKING

whelk trump tax

In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin

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Filed under Humour, Politics, Satire

Netanyahu hits back after Priti Patel 1-star rating on TripAdvisor

Benjamin-Netanyahu

Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.

Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”

She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”

Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”

Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”

It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, Humour, political satire, Politics

FBI crack Vegas shooting riddle thanks to Youtube. Prince Philip held!

tinfoil twat

Tinfoil twat: A typical Youtube conspiracy genius pictured last night

 
The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
 
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
 
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
 
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.

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Filed under Humour, police, Satire, Spoof

President Assad “quite pleased” with haiku debut on WordPress

assad-wikicommons--620x436

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.

The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told  SoZ Satire:

“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.

“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”

Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.

Here is the piece in full:

I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.

Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.

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Filed under Humour, Satire