Tag Archives: police brutality

Britain’s Black Community Demand Right to be Gunned Down by Police

 

brit police officer

Wrong arm of the law: A Brit police office pictured completely failing to gun down any blacks last night

 

There was widespread disruption to airports across the country yesterday as protesters representing the pressure group, Black Lives Suck Ass, staged a number of sit-down demonstrations.

Delroy John, 34, a leading campaigner for BLSA told us: “It’s outrageous, that while our American brethren are being gunned down by the cops on an almost daily basis, black people over here have next to no chance of being executed by law enforcement officers.

“Until British people of colour stand an equal chance of being mown down by the feds for trivial offences our fight will continue.”

Police are currently on full alert in the East London district of Whitechapel, where feelings are running high after a black teenager reported that two officers deliberately failed to shoot him after he was stopped for having a faulty brake light on his car outside Aldgate East tube station.

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Egyptian Masochist Complains Of Humane Treatment At Hands Of Police During 12 Hour Detention

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A cup of cocoa similar to the one Musharak claims he was forced to drink during his detention

 

 

A 35 year old man with masochistic tendencies has revealed that he was treated firmly but extremely fairly during an overnight detention in a Cairo police station.

Ali Musharak, a taxi driver, told reporters that he was arrested and detained after being caught throwing rocks at security forces during a street riot last Tuesday.

Looking pale and visibly shaken by his ordeal, Musharak said.

“It was a night I’ll never forget as long as I live. After my arrest I was told by an officer at the police station that I was going to be detained overnight for my own safety, or at least until peace had been restored on the streets.

“I was then led to a cell by two officers who gave me tea and biscuits and a cosy blanket. They then asked me if I wanted the light on or off before leaving me to get some sleep. To my disappointment neither of them even once threatened to beat me on the soles of my feet, let alone send electric shocks through my genitals while I stood in a bowl of water.

“At one point, at around 3.00am, a burly officer entered the cell and my hopes grew that at last I was going to be subjected to inhumane treatment of some description, or at the very least, be dragged from the cell for brutal interrogation by a sadistic member of the secret police who would slap me around a bit while I was tied helpless to a chair.

“Instead of which, the officer asked me if I was warm enough and offered to make me a cup of hot chocolate. He then tucked the blanket in around my feet and left. It was the lowest point of my entire ordeal by far and I began to wonder if this incessant kindness would ever end.

“At around 9.00am the following morning a high ranking officer came in with my morning tea and a form, asking me to rate the comfort of the accommodation and friendliness of the staff on a scale ranging from: “Polite but a little distant” to “I’d certainly recommend this station to family and friends”

“I was then given a plate of scrambled eggs with crispy bacon and offered a lift back to my home in a police car. It was an ordeal I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy to be honest with you”

A weeping Masharak was then led away by relatives after telling reporters that he was planning to leave the country for Zimbabwe in the next few days, where he plans to fire a pea shooter at Robert Mugabi and to accuse him publicly of dyeing his hair.

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South African Police Kill Everybody

South African Police Officers pictured helping an elderly man to cross the road last night.

News was emerging last night that following reports of unrest in the South African township of Soweto last week, further heavy handed tactics have been deployed by the security forces resulting in the death of the entire populace.

It is believed that the widespread massacre began early on Wednesday morning and was completed late Friday evening leaving just under 50 million dead and one wounded.

The lone survivor, Mr Jonas Nkoma, 29,, a flight attendant on South African Airways, looked visibly shaken as he spoke to reporters and described the carnage.

“I’d just returned from a long haul flight to Dubai and was making my way across the tarmac to the terminal building when I noticed a number of bullet riddled bodies littering the runway and the grass verges” he stated.

“At first I thought a few of the cabin crew and terminal staff had been partying the night before and were sleeping off the Mealy Meal grog before resuming their duties, but I quickly realised something wasn’t quite right when I noticed a number of them had their wrists bound behind their backs and had bullet wounds to the back of the head, whilst the women were all naked and had the burnt carcasses of car tyres around their necks.

“I immediately turned back to report my findings to the pilot and remaining crew, but when I was just a few metres from the aircraft I was shot in the back of the thigh by a sniper bullet. Seconds later a number of shoulder launched missiles struck the fuselage of the plane, destroying it completely.

” I must have lain there amongst the smouldering debris for around 5 or 6 hours before making my escape and sheltering in an airport staff, rhino whip store. It was absolutely terrible and for something like this to happen so soon after the passing of Nelson Mandela is so tragic”

A spokesperson for the South African police, Chief Inspector Dirk Van Kripps, 54, an officer for 25 years and former tooth mug wallah to the late Prime Minister Jan Christiaan Smuts, made a brief statement to the media from outside police headquarters in downtown Johannesburg last night.

“In the current climate of unrest that pervades the country at this moment in time we believed that stern action was called for so we killed everybody.

“You can’t be too careful in this day and age, and given a similar set of circumstances, I’d have absolutely no hesitation in slaughtering the entire population again in an effort to carry out my duty in protecting the public”

South African President, Jacob Zuma, and members of the government were remaining tight lipped last night after having been mown down in a hail of machine gun fire during an afternoon cabinet meeting on Thursday.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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