Tag Archives: Olly Murs

OLLY MURS SET TO HOUSE 20,000 SYRIAN REFUGEES ON HIS GREAT BIG FACE

olly

“I gotta big face”

British pop icon, Olly Murs, announced last night that he will house 20,000 Syrian refugees on his enormous face over the next 6 months. It is believed that they will be offered temporary accommodation on various parts of Murs’s face, with the majority being housed on his gigantic, spam forehead.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night, but his mother, Enid, 97, told reporters: “Olly has always had a strong social conscience, so when he read about the plight of these poor souls he immediately offered to use his absolutely massive dial to give some of them a safe haven until they can find somewhere more permanent. His father and I are so proud of him. We both knew that his gigantic mug would come in handy one day”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by BBC London FM presenter, Vanessa Feltz, that she is having a 10,000-bed temporary hospital for refugees built on one of the cheeks of her enormous arse.

In other news: The leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has announced that he’ll be staging a 5000 strong “Send Them All Back” rally at the southern port of Dover inside his great big mouth.

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BRITAIN SET TO DEPLOY SIMON COWELL’S HUGE TROUSERS AFTER ISLAMIC STATE INCURSION ONTO OLLY MURS’S BIG FACE

olly

He gotta big face!

The British government last night intimated that they could use pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell’s enormous trousers to quell insurgency after Islamic State fighters were spotted on the gigantic face of pop icon, Olly Murs, by American spy planes last week.

A spokesman for the Ministry Of Defence said last night: “Intelligence reports from our American allies indicate that a small number of militia from Islamic State have set up a base on Olly Murs’s big face. This is clearly a statement of intent from the extremists and we have alerted Simon Cowell and asked him to be prepared to deploy his massive trousers if called upon to do so”

It is believed that Cowell’s trousers will be taken by Chinook helicopters to the target area, around Murs’s enormous forehead and then dropped over the jihadist’s enclave in a bid to suffocate them into submission.

The defence spokesman remained tight-lipped, however, when asked about rumoured plans to get BBC London, radio phone-in host, Vanessa Feltz, to sit on the extremist stronghold and squash them to death with her bloody great fat arse.

Reuters.

That’s all folks! I’m outta here. Pastures new and all that. Thanks for your kind attention.

Regards

Clivey.

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“We’ll Stage World Cup On Olly Murs’s Big Face”: Sports Minister.

olly

“I gotta big face!”

For this and other tales of pop singer largesse, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!world-cup-olly/c1k5a

Could be a worthwhile plan on the face of it.

Parental Advisory Note: This skit contains abject grammar, hurtful gags about somebody’s personal appearance and an enormous spam forehead.

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Olly Murs To Use His Big Face To Provide Eclipse For Australians

 

olly

He gotta big face.

In a remarkable gesture of goodwill, British pop icon, Olly Murs, will later on today, use his gigantic face to eclipse the sun in Australia to provide a spectacular solar display for the people ‘Down Under’, who, due to their geographical position, will be denied the partial solar eclipse that will be enjoyed by their British cousins later this morning.

At around 4.00pm Australian time, Murs will walk slowly across the Sidney Harbour Bridge where his enormous face will then gradually eat into the sun’s profile until, around 2 hours later, it will be blotted out completely.

Murs’s mother, Harriet, 156, told a press conference last night:

“Olly is absolutely over the moon to be helping the colonials like this. His dear father would be so proud of him. He had a bloody great dial on him too”

However, the Australian public are being warned not to listen to any of Murs’s hits during the phenomenon. A spokesman from the Australian Dept Of Health & Safety said:

“Listening to any of Olly’s recordings during the eclipse may cause acute aural trauma to the listener and may even make them wish to God they’d been born deaf”

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Olly Murs Song Was Rip Off Of Tunnel-Boring Machine Going Through Granite Claim German Engineers

olly

He gotta big face.

 

Following the decision yesterday to award damages to the family of soul legend, Marvin Gaye, on the grounds that his hit single, Got To Give It Up, had been copied by pop stars, Robin Thicke and Pharell Williams, in breach of copyright laws, the German manufacturers of a tunnel-boring machine are to sue British pop icon, Olly Murs, whose last single, Troublemaker, they claim is a direct copy of the noise made by their gigantic ‘mole’ as it bores into solid granite during the construction of road and rail tunnels.

A spokesperson for Herrenecht AG told a press conference:

“The similarity between the ear-splitting, grating noise made by our tunnelling machines and Murs’s vocals in his last single is unmistakeable and we intend to defend our copyright integrity in a court of law”.

Murs, whose gigantic face and notoriously abysmal pop songs have attracted derision, ridicule, and dismay in equal measure, was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently allowing his big face to be used as a makeshift helipad for British forces in the war-torn middle east, but his mother, Enid, 107, told us:

“I’ve no idea whether Olly deliberately mimicked the sound made by an industrial tunnelling machine or not to be honest with you. However, I shouldn’t be at all surprised if he had. I mean to say, have you heard it? It’s an absolute, fucking shocker”

Tone Deaf Tribune

 

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Britain Set To Deploy Simon Cowell’s Huge Trousers After Islamic State Incursion Onto Olly Murs’s Big Face

Olly

He gotta big face!

 

Once again the dedicated and intrepid hacks at Soz Satire are at the cutting edge of all the big political breaking news stories -and let’s face if folks, they don’t get much bigger than Olly Murs’s bloody great dial do they?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!facing-death/c1gq8

DISCLAIMER: No entrepreneurs or pop stars were put to death in a fairly barbaric manner during the writing of this shameless plug and we’re all a lot poorer for it if you ask me.

 

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Olly Murs’s Big Moisturised Face To Re-Energise Philae Space Probe

olly

He gotta big face

Do you like those Olly Murs skits I sometimes write in which I ridicule his great big face?… No?… Me neither to be honest, but it helps to pass the time while Beyonce goes down the off licence to get the ales in.

Here’s one I wrote while she was cleaning behind the fridge. The clue’s in the title folks:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!mission-to-murs/cb9c

Don’t forget to like and share with all your ickle Facebook and Twitter frendzzzzz  you hear? After all it’s only fair that they too should be allowed to see what a complete bunch of friendless, inept, twats we truly are on that magazine.

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Mob Attacks Satirical Magazine Offices As Wave Of Apathy Turns Nasty

Soz Offices

The plush, Soz Satire Office, looking resplendent, shortly before being attacked by a baying mob

A baying mob of over 200 furious bookworms and newsagents last night stormed the offices of the controversial satirical magazine, Soz Satire, following the launch of their eagerly anticipated, Halloween edition.

Wielding burning torches, pitchforks and assault rifles, the mob entered the building just before midnight, smashing everything they could get their hands on and setting fire to the office cat. First reports claim that thousands of pounds of improvements were made.

The reaction to the new issue wasn’t all bad though, as we discovered when we randomly interviewed a number of passers-by last night:

“I found the new Halloween edition thought provoking, insightful, mildly educational and searingly erotic. My only complaint is that there’s no facility for “liking” or commenting” – Clivey Dee

“I was released from prison earlier this morning, and used the new Halloween edition to jemmy open the door of a local jewellers. I’ll definitely be buying the November issue” – Gary Hoadley #128648634

“I read the Halloween issue in the billiard room and to my surprise my wife Shirley bought me up a selection of cold cuts with various delicious relishes and a bottle of vintage Krug without me having to beat her” – Mike Steeden

“I was a sickly shell of a man with no stamina or zest for life, and whose libido was virtually non-existent until I read the brilliant new Halloween edition. Now I’m running a thriving bawdy house in Rotherham where I’m pimping for 25 bitches, twelve of whom I’ve made pregnant. Thanks Soz Satire” – Inchcock

“I used to live in the Caribbean hell-hole of Curacao, cavorting daily with a variety of dusky young lovelies, who would peel my grapes and fan me with their pants. Now thanks to the Halloween issue of Soz Satire I have a one bedroom studio apartment in Pyong Yang where I spend my days masturbating to pictures of Trotsky and listening to Lulu records” – Lenny Van Ree

“Nothing I can say about the fabulous new Halloween edition will carry any weight as I’m named after a dingy area of South London. I bet it’s really great though!…especially my skit!” – Mic Norbury

“I’m not in this issue because I sent my copy in too late, so it’s probably really shit. I bet it picks up next week when my skit about taking a dump gets published though!” – Bill Jago

“My graphics and artwork was the laughing stock of the entire United Kingdom until I picked up a copy of the brilliantly illustrated, Soz Satire Halloween edition. Now I’ve been nominated for the Turner Prize and have been asked to turn out for Sheffield United Ladies in their forthcoming FA cup third round tussle with Manchester City” – The Artful Dodger

To get your copy of the scintillating and life-changing Halloween issue simply click this link and we guarantee your whole world will start rocking almost immediately…in all probability.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

SOZ Satire - Ocotober 2014

No blacks, Irish, Staffordshire Bull Terriers or Millwall fans.

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“I’ll Use My Big Face To Eclipse The Sun If Scots Vote yes” Olly Murs

olly

“I gotta big face!”

English pop star and fierce pro- United Kingdom supporter, Olly Murs, has vowed to deprive the Scots of the sun’s life-giving rays by standing on top of Hadrian’s Wall, where he will use his huge face to bring about a total eclipse that will plunge the entire country into eternal winter.

Speaking at a “Better Together” rally in Aberdeen last night, the Dance With Me Tonight singer, told cheering pro-Great Britain supporters. “I’m a Londoner first and foremost but I quite like Britain too, so if the Scottish people vote to break up the United Kingdom on Thursday I wont hesitate to blot out the sun with my massive dial, causing eternal night to descend on the country. Yes I realise this will cause all who choose to live in my shadow to perish, but it’s a price I’m more than happy to pay to preserve our beloved union”

“Scottish Nationalist Party leader, Alex Salmond, seemed undaunted by the threat when he spoke to reporters last night. “Let Olly do his worst. I doubt very much if anyone will notice anyway. The last time the sun came out here was in June 1993 when a rogue area of high pressure claimed over 3000 Scottish lives through skin cancer”

This latest threat from a celebrity comes just days after broadcaster and journalist, Vannessa Feltz, told listeners on her BBC London phone-in show that if the Scots vote to quit Great Britain she was going to sit on Arbroath and flatten the entire population with her gigantic arse.

Press Association

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Ask George. “Canine Coarse Angling Consultant To The Stars”

Image

“Tight Lines!”

 

Dear George

I wonder if you can help me with this one. My good friend and fellow entertainer, Robbie Williams, and myself are planning a week away from showbiz at the end of this month to go Pike fishing on Loch Lomond in Scotland.

Given that the weather conditions are likely to be pretty unfavourable and decent catches at a premium I was wondering whether you could advise us on rigs, bait, hot spots etc.

I was thinking that maybe a small live bait, perhaps a roach or perch, trolled behind a rowed dinghy, might be the way forward given the huge surface area to be covered. Robbie’s largely in agreement but thinks that a spinner or plug might be more productive.

Your advice would be most welcome George.

Yours Faithfully

Olly Murs

Essex.

 

 

Dear Olly

*scratch, scratch, grunt, snuffle, wheeze, gasp, scratch, pant, Zzzzzzzzzzz, PARP!, slobber, snuffle, drool, grunt, PARP! Grrrrrr, wheeze, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz, scratch, snuffle, lick, scratch, grunt, PARP!, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!*

All the very best lads and don’t forget…”Tight Lines!”

George

East London

PS. Try ledgering a medium dead bait, a mackerel or herring, in a sheltered inlet, using a 60lb BS line and a quality wire trace. PAAAARRRP!!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

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