Tag Archives: mental health

Corbyn Beat Me For Not Calling Him “Prime Minister” Claims House of Commons Cleaner

 

corbyn im going nowhere

Corbyn in defiant mood after nailing his feet to the floor outside 10 Downing Street

 

A 22-year-old woman, employed as a cleaner in The Houses of Parliament, has made the shocking claim that the beleaguered leader of The Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, beat her with a wooden stick when she refused his demands to call him prime minister while the pair were alone in The House of Commons debating chamber last night.

Tracy Dell, from Whitechapel in East London, said: “I was sweeping between the benches on the government side when I saw My Corbyn sitting alone in Mr. Camerons seat. He looked unkempt and he kept standing up and leaning on the despatch box. He was muttering to himself, and at one point he kissed The Mace and called it “his precious”

When I asked him if he’d mind putting his feet up on the division bench so that I could sweep, his face went all red and he started calling me “the honourable member for Spitalfields”

“Then he asked me to call him prime minister while I sat in the Speaker’s chair. I was really scared, but I refused and tried to run away but he grabbed me and started beating me with a stick. He kept saying “I’m going nowhere and neither are you” He was sweating a lot and I think he was aroused sexually.

“Luckily, Boris Johnson came in to look for his pen that he’d left behind earlier and he told Mr Corbyn to let me go. He then punched Mr Corbyn in the face, and told him to get back over his own side.

“He was so kind and even took me back to my house on the back of his bike. I’ll never vote Labour again after this I don’t mind telling you.”

Corbyn was unavailable for comment last night after having locked himself in a ladies toilet in The House of Lords; claiming that he has an overwhelming mandate to stay there forever.

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Subbuteo Table Cricket To Introduce Clinically Depressed Player

Clinically depressed England table cricketer “shoulders arms” and makes a dash for the airport while Australian slip fielders take the piss.

Following the withdrawal of yet another England cricketer from a touring party, this time, batsman Jonathan Trot, with a “stress-related illness”, table soccer and cricket icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a player suffering from depression in time for the launch of their 2014 version in January of next year.

The company issued a statement  last night.

“We at Subbuteo pride ourselves on keeping up with all the latest trends in all of the sports we represent, so given the fact that so many English cricketers have been pulling out of tours lately, citing stress as the cause, we’ve have decided to introduce a clinically depressed batsman in our newest version.

The player will have a separate slot in the box, well away from the other players to simulate that insular, withdrawn demeanour so common amongst sufferers. He will also be jointed and hinged at the waist so that he can be curled up into the foetal position just before the start of play.

He will of course be absolutely useless once he takes to the field, fumbling simple catches, falling over during  long chases to the boundary and of course getting absolutely no runs with the bat, due to his turning his back on the fast bowlers and whimpering as soon as they’re in their delivery stride.

Customers who wish to pay a little extra for our deluxe version will have the option of placing a small plastic Boeing 747 aircraft just outside the stadium, towards which the player can be flicked shortly after the close of play on Day 1 of a vital test match.

We also plan to introduce a foul-mouthed, Australian fast bowler at some point, who will run down the pitch after every delivery, calling the player “A whingeing girly Pom” and threatening to break his arm and have sex with his wife, but it’s pretty much in the developmental stage at the moment”

When told of this latest innovation, bellicose, former Yorkshire and England cricketing legend. Geoff Boycott, who famously castigated England batsman Marcus Trecothick, for withdrawing from a tour due to mental health issues,  told reporters.

“Clinical bloody depression? I’ve never ‘eard the like in all my born days! We never ‘ad owt like that in my day! We used to finish a 16 hour shift down t’ pit, run 500 odd miles to Lords or t’ Oval, wi’ pads on, and still make two ‘undred odd runs before tea on t’ first day of test! Clinical depression? Bah ‘eck as like! These young buggers of today don’t know they’re bloody born, and ah’ll tell thee that fer nowt!”

He later issued a retraction after being censured and threatened with a fine by  BBC Test Match Special bosses in which he stated.

“Aye well ‘appen I were a bit too harsh on the poor lad. Professional sport is a reet tough business these days and I can even remember, back in my day, when Kenny Barrington tried to tek afternoon off in t’ second test against West Indies at Trent Bridge after ‘e found out his missus had been run over and killed by a bus in t’ street. Mind thee, ‘e still made 75 before lunch on second day of  test tha knows!?”

The new game will retail at £25.99 for the basic package and £37.99 for the deluxe “I want my mum, where’s the airport” version.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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