Tag Archives: Lulu

Female Circumcision Was Key To My Speedway Success Claims Lulu

Pic by Mina

Following a series of convincing wins on the speedway track, Scottish pop icon, Lulu, has revealed that she puts her recent successes down to having undergone a circumcision op performed by a neighbour from The Democratic Republic Of Congo at her home in Glasgow.

Speaking from outside the London Palladium, where she’s appearing in a series of concerts with Sir Cliff Richard, Lulu, 112, said, “I was watching a documentary on TV a couple of months ago, condemning the practice of female circumcision, which is practised fairly widely amongst the people of a number of African nations. Naturally I began to wonder whether, if I were to have my genitalia mutilated, it would enhance my career as a speedway rider which had been in the doldrums for a number of seasons. Fortunately one of my neighbours is a practitioner herself, so I popped round one evening and had my clitoris and both labia cut away with pruning sheers. The results were absolutely astonishing and I rode to victory after victory, claiming The World Championship for the first time in over 8,000 attempts. I’d have absolutely no hesitation in recommending genital mutilation to any aspiring young female rider.”

A spokesperson for her record company said. “We’re absolutely delighted to learn that Lulu has become a true speedway legend due to having her fanny chopped half off and now we can only hope that Justin Bieber will learn from this and submit to public castration without anaesthetic”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Nelson Mandela Drops 1 Ton Weight Onto Justin Bieber From Hospital Balcony

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In a surprise move, iconic South African ex-president, Nelson Mandela, yesterday dropped a 1 ton weight onto the head of Canadian pop singer, Justin Bieber, as the star arrived to visit sick children in a hospital in Cape Town.

The singer, who had arrived 4 hours late for his shameless public relations-staged appointment, was said to be stunned by Mandela’s actions and looked visibly shaken after the weight was pulled off him by a crane.

Emerging from a hole in the pavement the exact shape of his body, and with an enormous lump on his head with a bit of hair on it, Bieber, 12, told pressmen “Nobody could have been more surprised than me when Nelson Mandela dropped a ton weight on my head. I had just arrived, under protest, for my  stage-managed appearance so that I could pretend to care about sick kids, when the weight hit me. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean to say it’s not the kind of thing you expect from the father of the nation is it?”

When asked if he’d be attempting a second visit in the future, Bieber took a girly swing at a cameraman and shouted “No I wont! I hate Nelson Mandela and I hate South Africa! I will never come back…EVER, and the same goes for Britain”

Mandela gave a brief statement from his hospital bed last night.

“I heard a bit of a rumpus from down in the street and spotted Justin Bieber with his entourage right below my balcony.  I quickly grabbed a 1 ton weight and dropped it on him. It was an opportunity to good to miss in all honesty. Let’s face it you’d have done the same thing in my shoes”

Bieber was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother Brenda, 107, who told us “Look I know he’s a talentless, irritating little turd with about as much charisma as a sideboard, but there’s no need for that is there? Why couldn’t Mr Mandela have just taken a leaf from Justin’s book and spat on him like my boy did to his fans the other day? I for one wont be voting for him in the next election and that’s a fact. To be honest I’d much prefer a white man in charge anyway. I mean let’s face it, we all would”

This latest incident is considered by many to be the worst case of celebrity bullying from a politico since the then Kenyan president, Jomo Kenyatta, urinated into British pop star Lulu’s ear while she was sitting reading a novel in The British Library in 1965.

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