Tag Archives: London

Uber Drivers Must Be Able to Get Lost and Crash in English say TFL

 

car crash

Uber drivers on their way to protest angrily outside TFL headquarters

 

Transport for London were under fire from the app-based private hire company, Uber, last night after they ruled that all mini cab drivers will have to undergo strict testing to make sure that they meet new guidelines designed to ensure that all private hire drivers can get hopelessly lost and also crash into other vehicles or inanimate roadside objects in English.

A spokesperson for Uber told us last night: “We see this measure as totally over the top and unnecessary. If TFL insists on this punitive directive, thousands of our drivers will be out of work overnight. It’s absolutely crazy. They’ll be asking our drivers to take a written grammar test before sexually assaulting lone female passengers next”

The move has been welcomed by The Licensed Taxi Drivers Association however. They told us: “Black cabs don’t get lost, nor do we park in the middle of busy roads, crash into traffic lights or molest female passengers. However, if necessary our drivers could definitely fulfill all these criteria in The Queen’s English”

We asked an Uber driver for his reaction yesterday, but he couldn’t understand a word we were saying and hurriedly drove into the back of Honda Civic.

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LONDON SUPERMARKETS REPORT PANIC BUYING AS FEEBLE REMNANTS OF TROPICAL STORM SET TO ‘LASH’ CAPITAL

michael fish

There have been reports of panic buying in a number of supermarkets across the London area following met office warnings that the remains of Tropical Storm Henri, which is racing across the Atlantic after forming off the coast of Bermuda, is set to hit the capital overnight on Monday and into Tuesday morning. Despite reassurances that the remnants of the storm will be fairly benign, with just a few gusts of moderate to strong wind and some light rainfall, Londoners have rushed to their nearest supermarkets to stock up on essentials.

The manager of one Tesco store in Croydon, South London, said last night: “I’ve never known anything like it to be honest. People were literally fighting each other over bottled water, and our stocks of bread and tinned soup ran out within minutes of being put on the shelves. Fortunately, I managed to grab a couple of loaves and a few tins of oxtail before we opened and have them locked in the safe”

London mayor, Boris Johnson, appealed for calm last night: “There is absolutely no need for people to panic” he told reporters “If people act sensibly and buy only what they need there will be more than enough food and water to go round. Luckily, there’s a nuclear shelter beneath City Hall with ample stocks of corned beef, microwave dinners and enough water to last the council for months if things do get a bit tricky”

Veteran weatherman, Michael Fish, who famously failed to warn Britain of the devasting hurricane that lashed Britain in Oct 1987, spoke to reporters from his home last night: “Will this storm cause widespread destruction across London? It might, and then again, it might not. I’m not saying anything either way”

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Cemetery For London Cyclists Given Go-Ahead By Mayor Boris

war graves

Artist’s impression of how the cemetary will look in 2016

Following the recent spate of tragic cycling-related deaths in the capital over the past year in which more than a thousand cyclists have lost their lives, London’s Mayor, Boris Johnson, has announced that a cemetery and garden of remembrance, dedicated to the victims, will open later this year to take the pressure from established graveyards and where friends and families of the dead will be able to pay their respects to lost loved ones.

In a further move to cut the alarming death toll, the famous Boris Bikes, used by office workers and tourists to negotiate London’s busy streets, will now be welded to their stands, rendering them impossible to move.

Johnson, however, has ruled out a proposal to open a crematorium for commuters who fall down drunk in front of trains on The London Underground, on the grounds that “there’s not quite enough of them yet”

The Metro.

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London Man Vows To Enjoy Honeymoon On Paradise Isle Despite Bride’s Arrest At Airport

beach party

Mr Stevens (left) pictured putting a brave face on things yesterday

A 22-year-old newly-wed London man, has decided to continue with his honeymoon despite the fact that his new bride was detained at Heathrow airport by immigration officers who suspect she may have entered Britain illegally.

Chris Stevens, a plasterer from Lambeth in South London, posed happily for pictures on the beach and in various bars on the paradise island of St Lucia in the West Indies.

Speaking from outside the Coconut Beach night club, Mr Stevens said:

“I have to admit it put a bit of a dampener on things when my wife was led away by immigration, but it would have been silly to let it stand in the way of our planned trip together. With a bit of luck everything will be cleared up in a day or two and she’ll be able to join me. I’m sure it’s all a misunderstanding anyway. She’s from Ukraine originally you see. I spotted her in an online magazine a couple of months ago and it was love at first sight”

Mr Stevens was later spotted leaving the club at 3.00am, accompanied by two attractive local women.

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Arse Bandits Raid London Museum

buttocks

Plaster mouldings of Kim Kardashians arse were left untouched by the raiders. Police believe they were too heavy to remove.

 

A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Westminster and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.

Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.

The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”

Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment Of The True Arse” which is believed to be a slither of buttock taken from the slain body of Christ by Mary Magdelene in The Garden Of Gethsemane, is currently out of the country and on display in The Imperial Bottom Gallery in Beijing.

This latest raid comes just 2 weeks after the Sheffield Cock And Balls Museum in Yorkshire, was hit by raiders who escaped with genitalia worth more than two million pounds, including the fabled Holy Nob Of St Bartholomew and the priceless Byzantine Bollocks, which were believed to have been removed from the body of Saladin during The Crusades.

Press Association and Clivey.

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Epic Movies In Cockney #657 Ben Hur

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Benny gives Jesus a luvlee cup o’ splosh just before them Roman bleeders nail the poor cow’s son up for the night

Benny Boy – Blimey Messala I love knocking about with you old son. You’re me best china plate and no error!

Messala – Oi! Did you just bung a roof tile at my Uncle Ned you mug? You’re going down for that squire!

10 Years Later

Benny Boy – Gawd strewth! This old galley slave game’s absolutely diabolical! I wish some Thracian pirates or some fuckers like that, would attack our boat so I could get up on me toes and save Jack Hawkins from drowning.

Quintus Arrias (Jack Hawkins) – Blimey what a result! Thank gawd you was on the scene Benny boy! I thought I was brown bread back there son! Come back to my gaff and I’ll adopt you as me boy and make sure you get kitted out in some top of the bastard range shmutter. I’ll even sort you out with a tidy little piece of blart  if you play yer cards right. Know what I mean geezer?

A Couple Of Years Later

Benny Boy – Stroll on Sheik! I don’t fink I’ve ever seen a more blindin’ bunch of donkeys in all my natural! Any danger of takin’ em for a spin round the old arena and that?

Sheik Ilderim – Yeah fuck it, go on then sheriff. Tell you what geezer, I’ll stick a few sovs on yers to win and we’ll tuck up that flash monkey Massala while we’re about it.

Benny Boy – Sweet as squire! Could end up as a tidy little earner for the pair of us, know wot I mean guvnor?

A Week Later And A Few Laps Into The Race

Benny Boy – Fuck’s sake! That liberty taking toerag Massala keeps stripin’ me ‘arris with his bleedin’ whip! With a bit of luck he’ll take his eye off the ball and end up getting run over by one of these other mugs.

Massala – Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Benny Boy – Back of the fucking net!

A Few Years Later, Back At Benny’s Drum

Benny Boy – Ullo mum! Ullo sis! Blimey you’re looking well! The last time I clocked the pair of yers you were in shit state! You had boils all over yer boats and gawd knows what fucking else! This has gotta be darn to that Jesus geezer. What a toff! I’m gonna stop bein’ a right lairy bleeder and follow in ‘is footsteps and that!

Mum –  You know it makes sense Treacle. Now give yer old mum a kiss fer gawd’s sake yer soppy little toerag!

The End.

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London Man Caged For Shouting At Burglar

Jimmy “The Cat” pictured leaving court yesterday.

A London man was given two consecutive life sentences at The Old Bailey yesterday after being found guilty of shouting loudly at a burglar who had broken into his home in the early hours of the morning in June 2013.

Peter Groves, 55, a postman from Poplar East London with no previous convictions, wept in the dock as the sentence was handed down by Mr Justice Mockery, who recommended that he should serve the full life term with no prospect of parole.

In his address to the court Justice Mockery stated. “Society in general, and the criminal fraternity in particular, deserves a long rest from your activities. You are quite clearly a ruthless and callous man who is prepared to go to any lengths to inflict suffering and distress on anyone you perceive as a threat to your property or wife and children”.

The court heard that Mr Groves had been woken by a noise at his terraced council home on a notoriously quiet East London estate, and after arming himself with a rolled up copy of The East London Gazette, had gone downstairs to investigate where he saw James “Jimmy The Cat” Biggs, 34, a convicted house breaker with over 200 previous convictions for petty theft and assault, rifling through his sideboard.

Groves then called out in a loud agitated voice “Oi what do you think you’re doing? Get out!” whereupon Biggs pistol whipped Groves to the ground, fracturing his skull, before making his escape through a window that he’d smashed to gain entry.

He was later found drinking heavily in a nearby public house by police officers who topped up his pint and gave him a packet of 20 Senior Service.

The arresting officer, PC Gonemad, 27, stated in court  “Mr Biggs was in an absolutely shocking condition when I spotted him in the public bar of The Bunch Of Grapes public house in Stepney. He looked visibly drunk and was very unsteady on his feet. Clearly the trauma of being shouted at by Groves that night had taken a terrible toll on him. Myself and fellow officer WPC Philbert bought him a fresh pint and gave him a pack of 20 cigarettes to steady his nerves whereupon he broke down and told us of the terrible events of that evening.

We immediately called for backup, and along with a number of officers in full riot gear, we smashed our way into Groves’ house where we found him quite blatantly lying unconscious on the kitchen floor in a pool of blood with a gaping head wound. He looked as if he didn’t have a care in the world. It was chilling to witness to be perfectly honest”.

Groves’ wife and children were in hiding at a secret address last night to avoid being targeted by furious local vigilante groups.

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