Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber Voted “Most Torturable Celeb” By London Gangsters

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In a survey of London’s underworld, it has emerged that Canadian pop sensation, Justine Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

 Bieber, 11, just pipped  smarmy pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and  aggravating, oily fuck, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and illegal gambling dens in the heart of London’s notorious East End.

One of the hoodlums polled, “Maltese Billy” Drago, told us: “It was a pretty tough choice to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, there’s just so many irritating arseoles to choose from. I was pretty torn between the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher’s knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table. In the end though, I just had to go with Bieber. The boy’s absolutely crying out to have his Niagras crushed in a vice while his teeth are being yanked out of his mouth with a pair of mole grips”

 A spokesperson for Bieber’s record company said last night: “Justin’s understandably a bit upset to discover that he’s the celeb that London’s underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it’s the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd”

To discover the identity of the annoying, female pop sensation the Mafia would most like to garotte in a seedy New York bar why not visit?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: May contain piano wire, bum notes, and severed jugular veins.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice

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Really TV. 22.00: The Perfect Penis

Coverage of last nights glittering awards ceremony in Las Vegas where Simon Cowell narrowly pipped Justin Bieber for the coveted Complete Dick Award.

These are all gen-yoo-wine TV shows lifted from the current TV guide btw. Just in case you thought I was making em up for cheap laffs.

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Orlando Bloom Hospitalised Following Bieber Altercation. Medics Cite Repetitive Back-Slapping Trauma

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Hollywood heartthrob, Orlando Bloom, was this afternoon admitted to hospital on the holiday isle of Ibiza following what doctors are blaming on repeated trauma to his back as delighted holidaymakers repeatedly slapped him on the back and shoulders after learning that the Brit actor had punched Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, in the face after the pair squared up in a night club following an alleged insulting remark made by Bieber about Bloom’s ex, actress Miranda Kerr. His right hand is also reported to be quite badly damaged due to being repeatedly clasped warmly and shaken vigorously by hundreds of well-wishers.

In a number of related incidents worldwide, hospitals have reported a huge influx of admissions with people complaining of acute jaw discomfort caused by excessive beaming.

Reuters

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #2

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CBS Drama: 21.00. Unsolved Mysteries

A team of psychologists investigate the phenomena that is Justin Bieber and address the question as to why the hell there is even one person on the planet that can stomach the objectionable little turd.

Warning! This programme may contain traces of spittle, racism and truly appalling singing.

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice #Eleventy Five

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Sky Living 18.00: Nothing To Declare.

Justin Bieber’s neurosurgeon announces the results of his latest brain scan.

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Justin Bieber: “I’m Going To Live On Olly Murs’s Big Face And I’m Taking Honey Boo Boo With me”

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Canadian pop icon, Justin Bieber, has made the surprise announcement that he’s going to quit the music business and set up home on the enormous face of his British counterpart, Olly Murs, accompanied by US child star, Honey Boo Boo.

Bieber, 11, spoke to reporters from outside his home in Toronto last night.

“I’ve had it with being a pop star and all the hassle that goes with it. These last few months have been hell for me, and to be honest with you, I don’t think people understand how tough it can be being constantly in the public eye. I can’t even go to the can without some damn pap with a long lens trying to get a money shot of my cock. I’ve therefore decided to get the hell out and set up home on the gigantic face of Olly Murs and I’m taking Honey Boo Boo with me. She’s been my rock right throughout all this bullshit. We’ve laughed together, cried together and to say that we’re now great buddies don’t even come close gentlemen. She’s agreed to come with me and help me search for a quiet spot to build our new home, probably somewhere behind one of his ears or just beneath the hairline where we can get the peace and quiet we both hanker for”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother, Martha, 109, who told us.

“I have to tell you Olly’s none too pleased at the prospect of having an unpleasant little turd like Justin setting up home on his massive dial, but the bottom line is he needs the cash. In any case it’s better than having Vanessa Feltz taking up residence there. I mean to say imagine having that bloody great arse plonking itself down on the tip of your nose half a dozen times a day!”

The announcement, which will dismay Bieber’s millions of fans worldwide, comes just days after the President of Nigeria revealed plans to move the entire population of the country onto Simon Cowell’s forehead.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Female Circumcision Was Key To My Speedway Success Claims Lulu

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Following a series of convincing wins on the speedway track, Scottish pop icon, Lulu, has revealed that she puts her recent successes down to having undergone a circumcision op performed by a neighbour from The Democratic Republic Of Congo at her home in Glasgow.

Speaking from outside the London Palladium, where she’s appearing in a series of concerts with Sir Cliff Richard, Lulu, 112, said, “I was watching a documentary on TV a couple of months ago, condemning the practice of female circumcision, which is practised fairly widely amongst the people of a number of African nations. Naturally I began to wonder whether, if I were to have my genitalia mutilated, it would enhance my career as a speedway rider which had been in the doldrums for a number of seasons. Fortunately one of my neighbours is a practitioner herself, so I popped round one evening and had my clitoris and both labia cut away with pruning sheers. The results were absolutely astonishing and I rode to victory after victory, claiming The World Championship for the first time in over 8,000 attempts. I’d have absolutely no hesitation in recommending genital mutilation to any aspiring young female rider.”

A spokesperson for her record company said. “We’re absolutely delighted to learn that Lulu has become a true speedway legend due to having her fanny chopped half off and now we can only hope that Justin Bieber will learn from this and submit to public castration without anaesthetic”

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Nelson Mandela Drops 1 Ton Weight Onto Justin Bieber From Hospital Balcony

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In a surprise move, iconic South African ex-president, Nelson Mandela, yesterday dropped a 1 ton weight onto the head of Canadian pop singer, Justin Bieber, as the star arrived to visit sick children in a hospital in Cape Town.

The singer, who had arrived 4 hours late for his shameless public relations-staged appointment, was said to be stunned by Mandela’s actions and looked visibly shaken after the weight was pulled off him by a crane.

Emerging from a hole in the pavement the exact shape of his body, and with an enormous lump on his head with a bit of hair on it, Bieber, 12, told pressmen “Nobody could have been more surprised than me when Nelson Mandela dropped a ton weight on my head. I had just arrived, under protest, for my  stage-managed appearance so that I could pretend to care about sick kids, when the weight hit me. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I mean to say it’s not the kind of thing you expect from the father of the nation is it?”

When asked if he’d be attempting a second visit in the future, Bieber took a girly swing at a cameraman and shouted “No I wont! I hate Nelson Mandela and I hate South Africa! I will never come back…EVER, and the same goes for Britain”

Mandela gave a brief statement from his hospital bed last night.

“I heard a bit of a rumpus from down in the street and spotted Justin Bieber with his entourage right below my balcony.  I quickly grabbed a 1 ton weight and dropped it on him. It was an opportunity to good to miss in all honesty. Let’s face it you’d have done the same thing in my shoes”

Bieber was unavailable for comment last night but we spoke to his mother Brenda, 107, who told us “Look I know he’s a talentless, irritating little turd with about as much charisma as a sideboard, but there’s no need for that is there? Why couldn’t Mr Mandela have just taken a leaf from Justin’s book and spat on him like my boy did to his fans the other day? I for one wont be voting for him in the next election and that’s a fact. To be honest I’d much prefer a white man in charge anyway. I mean let’s face it, we all would”

This latest incident is considered by many to be the worst case of celebrity bullying from a politico since the then Kenyan president, Jomo Kenyatta, urinated into British pop star Lulu’s ear while she was sitting reading a novel in The British Library in 1965.

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