Tag Archives: Israel

Palestinian who leaned against his fence killed by Israeli sniper.

 

Military Ceremony in Gaza

A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle

 

A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.

Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.

An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.

“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk

“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.

“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.

“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”

This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.

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Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

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Netanyahu Announces National Bacon Sandwich Day To Celebrate Election Victory

bacon sandwich

Over a million bacon sandwiches, similar to this one, are expected to be consumed as Israel ‘goes goyim’ for the day.

Jubilant newly-elected Israeli Prime Minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, has announced that Friday 20th March will be declared National Bacon Sandwich Day to celebrate his triumph in Wednesday’s general election. This will mean that the entire populace will be given a reprieve from the Jewish ban on eating pork-based products and will be allowed to tuck into as many bacon sandwiches as they can eat.

Speaking on Israeli TV last night, Netanyahu said:

“As a mark of my gratitude to the people of Israel for returning me to power, I am declaring Friday a day of feasting and celebration. The traditional ban on non-kosher food will be waived throughout the day and bacon sandwiches will be available in all food outlets throughout the country. People will also be permitted to make their own at home, or to buy them from vendors who will be passing amongst the crowds at popular public events, such as basketball and soccer games, and the public screening of air strikes on Palestinian residential areas and schools”

Reuters

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Mossad Models Inc. Proudly Present: My Little Palestinian

broken doll 3

“She sheds real blood!”

 

To commemorate the recent bloodbath in Gaza, we at Mossad Models are immensely proud to offer you this beautifully crafted replica of the shattered body of a Palestinian baby.

Each exquisite piece is lovingly hand-crafted at our world renowned House Of Zion factory in Washington DC and comes complete with a number of delightful and realistic little accessories, including sachets of real Type O Negative blood, which can be used either internally in your doll to simulate fatal, blast-related injuries, or can simply be splashed over it’s tiny body, replicating the blood- spatter pattern from the shattered corpse of it’s slain mother.

For just a few extra dollars, The Deluxe Model also comes with detachable limbs, which can be strewn around the room, or even tossed into the back yard to replicate an Israeli air strike on a residential area.

We are so convinced that you will be delighted with your purchase we are offering a no questions asked guarantee, so that in the unlikely event that your My Little Palestinian fails to bring pleasure to the entire family, your money will be refunded in full within 28 days or as soon as the next slaughter of the innocents begins, whichever’s sooner.

Shalom and may your god go with you.

B. Netanyahu

CEO  Associated Atrocities Ltd

Tel Aviv

 

 

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Israeli Jets Target Kindergarten In Pre-Emptive, Ceasefire Breech Strike

air strike

School’s out kids!

Israeli fighter bombers have this morning destroyed a Kindergarten in Gaza, in what they claim was a pre-emptive attack in case Hamas broke the 72 hour ceasefire which was agreed upon last night.

With the Egyptian led accord only a minute old, a number of Israeli  F-16 Fighting Falcons attacked the building as children were arriving for morning lessons. Casualties at this time remain unconfirmed but it is believed that more than fifty pre-school youngsters regularly attend at this particular time of day.

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force told reporters “It’s pretty unfortunate that kids were caught up in our strike on a school building but that’s just life I guess. Our main objective was to lay down a clear warning to Hamas that Israel will not tolerate a breach of the ceasefire under any circumstances and I guess you could say we did just that. After all it wouldn’t be the first time those treacherous sonsofbitches have screwed us over would it?”

Press Association

 

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Israel Launch Retaliatory Strike On Maternity Hospital Following Tel Aviv Woman’s Dust On Washing Claim

wounded child

Stop this fucking butchery! Damn you all to hell!

Israeli jet fighters have attacked and destroyed a maternity hospital in Gaza in what is believed to be a retaliatory strike after a woman in Tel Aviv reported dust particles on her sheets, possibly caused by debris from a Hamas rocket, which exploded 40 miles away in a nearby, uninhabited desert region The incident took place shortly after she’d hung them out to dry yesterday afternoon.

The sustained attack by F-16 Fighting Falcons has reportedly completely destroyed the hospital resulting in the deaths of at least 50 pregnant women and 23 newborn infants, according to the latest United Nations estimates.

A spokesman for The Israeli Defence Force told a press conference “While we regret the loss of life we cannot just stand idly by while our womenfolk have their washing ruined by terrorist factions. This poor women had only just hung those sheets out to dry. A few minutes later and it could have been her husband’s pants and socks that bore the brunt also”

This latest escalation in the conflict will no doubt bring further claims of excessive IDF force from the international community following last weeks targeting of a kindergarten playground resulting in the deaths of 43 toddlers and 5 nursery workers, after a woman in the border town of Afula claimed that a Hamas Scud Missile had caused interference on her television causing her to miss the end of Desperate Housewives.

Associated Press

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East London Kebab Shop Destroyed In Israeli Air Strike On Hummus

A dish of hummus shelters behind some peppers as Israeli jets scream overhead.

There were fresh calls for an immediate ceasefire in the war torn Middle East last night after an Israeli F16 jet fighter targeted and destroyed a kebab shop in Upton Park East London leaving the proprietor and 12 customers dead.

It is believed the tragic mix up occurred when the pilot was told to “Get me some hummus” by his flight commander, who merely wanted him to bring him over a snack from the canteen after he’d completed his sortie over Palestine.

A witness to the carnage was Tony Summers, the owner of a greengrocers just across the road from the stricken fast food shop.

“It was absolutely diabolical to be honest” said Mr Summers, 57 “I was just arranging a few oranges in the display outside the shop when this fighter jet came screaming in and launched a missile which absolutely flattened the kebab place. The poor bastards inside never stood a chance. It’s an absolute tragedy for the whole community and a downright diabolical liberty”

” Tariq, the geezer who owned it, was an absolute diamond and did the best donner with chilli sauce and hummus for miles around. Gawd knows what I’m going to do at lunchtimes now. I’ll probably have to get the old woman to make me a packed lunch or something. Absolutely bloody terrible!”

The Israeli air force issued a brief statement last night.

“While we deeply regret this terrible tragedy and send our condolences to the families of all those affected, we’d like to point out that hummus and Hamas sound very similar even though one is a murderous, terrorist organisation and the other is a kind of dip. We’d also like to reiterate that we only target military installations or crowded blocks of flats, which may or may not have the odd Palestinian terrorist living there. Regrettably there will always be a degree of collateral damage, whether it be a school, a mosque or even as we saw on this occasion, the odd snack bar thousands of miles from the theatre of war, so we’re sorry about that”

A memorial service for the dead is to be held on Thursday at the East London Church Of Christ, Spitalfields with a free fish supper thrown in afterwards.

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