Tag Archives: Islamic State

London Woman Forced To Wage Jihad In Syria Following Misleading Online Holiday Review

isis holiday pic

“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”

Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from South London has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Tripadvisor website.

Mrs Mary Dell, a teaching assistant from Stockwell, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30 mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.

Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:

“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what this review described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out the day after school broke up.

“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled me into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.

“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”

When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year and no mistake!”

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Soz Satire’s TV Choice: My Big Fat Jihadi Wedding

television

BBC4. 22.30

Heart-warming comedy that follows the hilarious antics of a 15-year-old Muslim girl from East London as she’s radicalised on the internet before slipping out of the country bound for Syria.

Once there, she marries an Islamic State fighter she has never met but who looked very nice on his Twitter feed, where he’s pictured holding an assault rifle, and with a bandolier of bullets slung over his shoulder.

Fans of good old-fashioned slapstick will love this wonderful comedy of errors with it’s side-splitting female genital mutilation scene as our heroine is first raped and beaten by her deranged husband before being butchered by a Muslim sister using a lock knife.

The hilarious final denouement, in which she and her unborn child are blown to pieces in an American air-strike is guaranteed to have you crying with laughter.

Warning: Contains scenes not suitable for worried parents of missing Muslim youngsters.

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Islamic State Send Back ‘Stroppy’ British Teen Girls

jihadi john

“Tidy that room young lady or I’ll confiscate your suicide vest!”

 

The three teenage girls from East London who fled their homes to join  Islamic State last month have been sent home by the extremist group due to their “uncooperative and downright stroppy behaviour’

An IS spokesman, speaking via a Youtube link, said:

“They were a complete nightmare almost from the moment they arrived. They were sullen, uncommunicative and lazy. They refused to keep their bunker clean and tidy and would often leave their knickers and tights hanging over the shower rail in the communal bathing area.

“They were constantly squabbling amongst themselves and on one occasion one of the girls wrote: “Fatima’s got a big fat butt” on the side of one of the tanks.

“When you tried to say anything to them they’d get the face on and lock themselves in their cell for hours on end and would only come out if you told them there were cream buns for tea or that you’d let them watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

“The final straw came when one of the girls, who had been appointed as a body slave to Jihadi John, refused point blank to clean bloodstains from his knife, despite being asked repeatedly. She told him to clean it himself and that he needed to stop dissing her and that he wasn’t her dad”.

The girls are expected to return to Britain tomorrow despite repeated pleas to IS from their families to keep them out there, at least until they’re in their twenties..

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Jihadi John To Appear In Eastenders Xmas Special

jihadi john

“Gawd blimey guv! Is this a dagger I see before me?”

 

As far-fetched as that may sound my ickle WordPress frendzzz, the above headline is entirely factual and based on some authentic hearsay that I picked up in the gent’s toilets in The London Hospital Tavern, Whitechapel, last Saturday evening.

If you find that difficult to believe, and let’s face it, who wouldn’t? Check out the following showbiz news story I spotted in a satirical magazine. I was so shocked I tried to make a comment, but a boxing glove on a spring shot out of my screen and stretched me out cold on the lino for over 2 hours.

Fortunately it was what I would have wanted.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!cockney-jihad/c81w

 

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Sky TV Wins Bid To Screen United States v ISIL Xmas Truce Soccer Match Live

bomb

Exclusive picture of the revolutionary new ball that the ISIL Soccer Federation wish to introduce for the one-off match.

 

The fierce global bidding war to screen the proposed Christmas ceasefire football game between American forces and an Islamic State eleven has been won by Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV network, who have reportedly paid around eighty million dollars for the rights to screen the match which is scheduled to kick off at an undisclosed venue in Iraq on Boxing Day.

Sepp Blatter, the head of world soccer’s governing body, FIFA, under whose auspices the match will be played, told reporters at a press conference in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia last night. “We can confirm that the match will be played on the 26th of December and screened live to a global audience by Sky Television. Standard Association Football rules will naturally be in force and match officials will be absolutely stringent in ensuring their observance and application at all times”

This last comment was seen by many as a reference to the infamous Xmas Armistice game, played in 2003, between a team comprised of United States military police and a Saddam Hussein select eleven during which the American goalkeeper was beheaded by an Iraqi central defender as he went up for a corner and a number of the Iraqi players complained of being bitten by attack dogs when taking throw-ins and of being stripped naked and waterboarded in the changing rooms at half time.

Press Association

 

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The Islamic State “Head Bucket Challenge” Set To Raise Millions For Multiple Sclerosis.

severed head

An infidel dog in reflective mood after doing his bit for “charidee” last night.

 

Following the beheading of a second American journalist by Islamic State terrorists yesterday, militant jihadist fighters across The Middle East are following suit, with every infidel head successfully lopped off into a bucket earning a $5.00 donation to aid victims of the debilitating disease, multiple sclerosis.

Holding aloft the dripping, severed head of an adulteress, a spokesman for IS told reporters. “If we at The Islamic State can help raise awareness about this terrible disease and at the same time slaughter a few western hyenas then that has to be a good thing right?”

Already thousands of radicalised Muslims across the region are filming the butchering of family members and household pets in their back gardens to raise money for the cause. It is expected that the magical one million dollar mark will be reached by the weekend at the latest.

Associated Press.

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