“Last one in the pool’s an infidel hyena!”
Following the exposure in the media of the recent spate of spurious holiday reviews online, a 59-year-old widow from South London has revealed that she was held captive for 8 months in Syria by Islamic State fighters and made to engage in bitter hand to hand conflict with Kurdish forces after being duped into travelling to the region by a bogus review she found on the Tripadvisor website.
Mrs Mary Dell, a teaching assistant from Stockwell, finally escaped her captors by concealing herself on board a jeep bound for the town of Al-Bab from where she then made a 30 mile trek on foot across the Turkish border.
Speaking from the Turkish capital, Istanbul, where she’s waiting for a flight back to Britain, Mrs Dell told reporters:
“I was going through the holiday websites looking for a nice relaxing spot to spend a fortnight during the half-term holiday period and spotted a review for a lovely looking hotel in what this review described as “a quiet, idyllic spot, ideal for singles, honeymooners and couples wanting a relaxing break away from it all” The reviewer had given it 5 stars in every criteria so I made all the arrangements and flew out the day after school broke up.
“However, no sooner had I left the airport than I was grabbed by two men, one of whom put a hood over my head and stuck a pistol under my ribs. I was then bundled me into the back of a car and driven away. The next thing I knew, I was in a jihadist training camp where I spent two months learning how to handle small arms and rocket-propelled grenade launchers. It was the last thing I expected I don’t mind telling you.
“Eventually, after my training was complete, I was sent to the outskirts of Aleppo, where I was caught up in bitter fighting with Kurdish troops who were trying to drive us back from the city centre. Fortunately for me, I was wounded in the shoulder and taken back to our base from where I made my escape a week or so later. I’ll never trust these online holiday reviews again as long as I live!”
When asked if she’d been coerced into becoming a jihadi bride or subjected to sexual assaults of any description, Mrs Dell became agitated and swore at reporters, saying “Not even so much as a polite bloody handshake! It’s Magaluf and the odd Spanish waiter for me next year and no mistake!”