Tag Archives: islam

FBI crack Vegas shooting riddle thanks to Youtube. Prince Philip held!

tinfoil twat

Tinfoil twat: A typical Youtube conspiracy genius pictured last night

 
The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
 
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
 
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
 
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.
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Filed under Humour, police, Satire, Spoof

UKIP’s Handy 10 Point Guide To The Muslimists

muslims

Some Muslimists pictured begging for alms with menaces outside a London benefits office last night

The Following is an indispensable guide to the behavioural traits and general mien of the average worshipper of Allah, compiled by The United Kingdom Independence Party:

 1. The word ‘Muslim’ is actually an ancient Aramaic word meaning ‘bastard’

2. As part of their religion, Muslimists have to wash their entire body 15  times a day while facing Islam. This makes them virtually unemployable. It doesn’t stop them from coming over here and taking all our jobs mind you.

3. Muslimists are actually black in colour but all the constant washing has made their skin a kind of muddy brown colour. The Aramaics should really have called them ‘black bastards’

4. Muslimists are inherently lazy and spend most of the day smoking pipes and taking our jobs.

5. The average Muslimist has roughly 30 children by various virgins. These progeny are genetically unsound, and, as a result, are constantly at the doctors, draining our National Health Service coffers and pushing in front of you in the queue to see the doctor.

6. The female Muslimists you see walking around our town centres wearing burkhas are not really women at all. They are male Muslimists concealing explosive devices under their dresses. They also use this ploy to masturbate furtively when claiming benefits at the dole office.

7. When a Muslimist sneaks into the country, clinging to the axle of a heavy goods vehicle, they are immediately given 5 million pounds spending money and a luxury apartment in Mayfair.

8. Muslimists only eat vegetables and baked beans as part of their religion. However, my mate down the pub saw one tucking into sausage, egg, beans and chips with a fried slice in a cafe once. How can you trust people like that?

9. If a Muslimist sees you out with your wife he will immediately abduct her and keep her as a slave for the rest of her life. So they do have some redeeming features I suppose.

10. If you touch a Muslimist, he will explode immediately. Especially in the doctor’s surgery or the local benefits office.

Next week: The Israeli bomber pilot’s guide to spotting Palestinian school buildings.

Satirist’s note: Please don’t forget to make a comment on the above. Your half-assed, worthless input is as precious to me as the lives of my beloved children.

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Filed under Satire