“It’s all a bit of a worry really isn’t it?”
There was growing disquiet in the Islamic State controlled Iraqi stronghold of Mosul last night as an entire family of crazed jihadists went missing from their terrorist enclave. The fear amongst their fellow extremists is that they may have flown to London Gatwick airport en route to the East London district of Walthamstow with a view to applying for a council property and getting jobs with local firms.
The family of 12, which includes 4 children under 16, are believed to have other family members in the area and the fears are that some of them have led blameless lives and are not believed to be under surveillance by MI6 or Special Branch.
A close friend of the family who is fighting on the Syrian border, and who asked not to be identified, told us:
“We’re worried sick to be honest. They were a lovely family, totally committed to jihad and the overthrow of the Western, imperialist hyenas. One of the younger lads used to regularly go for extra indoctrination after school and told me that his dream was to become a suicide bomber one day and sacrifice his life in the holy name of Allah. It’s too tragic for words. I can only think they’ve been radicalised on the internet or by watching episodes of Eastenders on BBC iPlayer”
A spokesman for the British government said last night:
“While we welcome all overseas visitors broadly speaking, we won’t tolerate foreign nationals coming over here without the correct documentation or authority, so we’ll probably put them in an internment camp for a couple of years and then send them back at some vague, unspecified time in the future. If we haven’t lost their records by then of course”.
The Daily Insurgent
Exclusive picture of the revolutionary new ball that the ISIL Soccer Federation wish to introduce for the one-off match.
The fierce global bidding war to screen the proposed Christmas ceasefire football game between American forces and an Islamic State eleven has been won by Rupert Murdoch’s Sky TV network, who have reportedly paid around eighty million dollars for the rights to screen the match which is scheduled to kick off at an undisclosed venue in Iraq on Boxing Day.
Sepp Blatter, the head of world soccer’s governing body, FIFA, under whose auspices the match will be played, told reporters at a press conference in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia last night. “We can confirm that the match will be played on the 26th of December and screened live to a global audience by Sky Television. Standard Association Football rules will naturally be in force and match officials will be absolutely stringent in ensuring their observance and application at all times”
This last comment was seen by many as a reference to the infamous Xmas Armistice game, played in 2003, between a team comprised of United States military police and a Saddam Hussein select eleven during which the American goalkeeper was beheaded by an Iraqi central defender as he went up for a corner and a number of the Iraqi players complained of being bitten by attack dogs when taking throw-ins and of being stripped naked and waterboarded in the changing rooms at half time.
Dear Soz Satire.
Americans. Put an immediate stop to the jihadist insurgency in Iraq by simply joining forces with ISIS. With your propensity to kill your own allies with friendly fire the war will be over in days.
Maj. Gen. Felicity Iron-Lung
PS. I’m allowed to tag this piece as “satire” because it’s using extreme irony tinged with bitterness to lampoon something that’s based on fact that I find ridiculous and not just trotting out formulaic old toot using people with “funny” names.