Remember. You heard it here second!
Remember. You heard it here second!
Newly-defeated mixed martial arts fighter, Conor McGregor, last night roared out a defiant challenge to Tibetan spiritual leader, The Dalai Lama, calling for the 67-year-old Buddhist monk to meet him in a monastery of his choice for a bumper pay day, no-prayer wheels-barred, ‘pray-off’ for the right to be called the devoutest unarmed man on the planet.
Speaking to the press just hours after he was bludgeoned to defeat in Las Vegas by 40-year-old American ring legend, Floyd Mayweather, McGregor was in no mood to take prisoners:
“If The Dalai Lama thinks he’s such a spiritual hotshot then I’m prepared to give him an education in theological devotion.
“I’ll out-pray this Tibetan bitch in his own backyard if that’s what it takes. I’m going to show the world, that even though Mayweather handed me a can of Whup Ass in the ring, when it comes to offering up devotions to a higher power, I’m the fucking daddy.”
Lama, undefeated after 60 years in the temple, last night responded to McGregor’s challenge in typically outspoken style.
Speaking from his training camp in The Himalayas, where he’s preparing for a multi-million dollar, one-on-one theological debate with The Chief Rabbi, he told reporters: “If the money’s right I’ll be ready for this chump, no question. It’ll be a pleasure to kick his ass in front of his own omnipotent deity”
If the two camps can reach an agreement, this will be the biggest and most eagerly-awaited religious tear-up since Archbishop Robert Runcie stopped The Ayatollah Khomeini after 14 gruelling rounds of spiritual contemplation and chanting in Caesar’s Palace in Tehran in 1982.
There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval
Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.
“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.
“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”
When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”
In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.
A 50-year-old, diesel fitter from Whitechapel in East London has made the claim that a tin mug that he bought from a local store last week is from outer space and is made from a substance unknown to man.
Toby Dell, a divorced father of 8, told journalists: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my new mug comes from somewhere in outer space.
“As soon as I got it home and had a drink of tea out it I knew that this was no ordinary mug and that it must have come from another planet or even a different galaxy.
“I took it to the science museum for analysis, but they refused to do it and told me to go away.
“They obviously realised that it was an extra-terrestrial mug and didn’t want the news getting out in case it got people worrying about an alien invasion in the future”
Mr Dell is the 2nd person to have made rather outlandish claims in recent weeks. On 3rd June, a taxi driver from neighbouring Bow told his boss that Brexit had nothing to do with inherent racism amongst the older generation and that Donald Trump was going to make America great again
It was announced last night that, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.
Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.
A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the imminent death of our friend and benefactor, Harrison Ford. He is truly one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”
Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later.
A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.
Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.
“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.
“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”
Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.
Super sozzled storyline by Jack Daniels, Jimmy Beam, Cherry B, and Captain Morgan
Booze-addled alcoholic artwork by ‘JIF’
It was a Saturday morning like any other in downtown Whitechapel. People were thronging the market in the warm spring sunshine as the stallholders lustily called out their wares.
High above the street, in his lofty, Drinking Den of Solitude above Carpetland, Stuporman was pouring his 10th pint of Tennant’s Super of the morning. Last night had been a particularly gruelling session on the lash and he knew that he’d need to get a decent skinful under his belt before attempting the short walk to The Beggar at opening time.
Suddenly, a woman’s shrill scream pierced the air “It’s a beer lorry! It’s out of control and it’s heading this way!”
Heaving himself from the battered old sofa, The Lush of Steel staggered to the window in time to see a speeding beer delivery truck hurtle past, the driver slumped unconscious in the cab.
Stuporman realised at once that there was not a moment to lose and reeled out into the street.
Using his super dog breath, he blew the careering vehicle from its collision course with the busy market, sending it crashing harmlessly into a nearby scrap yard.
Realising the danger still hadn’t passed, and that precious drinking time was being wasted, the sozzled superhero stumbled unsteadily towards the wreckage.
Using his super strength, he heaved two huge crates of Skol Special Strength from the back of the truck and settled down next to a wrecked Vauxhall Viva to tuck in.
A small child approached him nervously as he was tearing the ring pull from his 2nd can.
“Thank you Stuporman,” said the youngster falteringly “What would we do without you?”
“Struggling to focus on the small figure, Stuporman rose unsteadily to his feet.
“Are you starin’ at my pint?” he slurred. “I’ll take the fuckin’ lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”
NEXT WEEK: The Stumblebum of Steel battles against his old arch-enemy, Chunder Woman, as they fight over a job clearing the glasses and emptying the slop trays after last orders in The Blind Beggar