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BREAKING

Crime Update:

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Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

This Week: Tina Turner – Nutbush City Limits

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Trump goes to bed at 5.30 and reads to his ‘blanky’ until it’s time for sleepies at 6.00 claims Steve Bannon.

extra WTF!

Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.

Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.

Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.

Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”

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BREAKING: Storm Eleanor upgraded to ThunderBitchCockBasher

Wind-Warning

The powerful storm which is due to hit parts of Britain overnight has now been upgraded to a ThunderBitchCockBasher say The Met Office.

Veteran forecaster, Bill McCaskill, told us: “Eleanor is now officially a ThunderBitchCockBasher and could cause significant damage in exposed areas. Particularly to exposed cocks.

“The Met Office is advising anyone thinking of making an unnecessary journey with their cock out to think again. Especially women, who will be totally unused to having their cocks bashed and could easily become hysterical”

The storm has already hit the west coast of Ireland with people reporting flying wellies in coastal areas and with one woman reporting waves of over 9 feet on the top of her draught Guinness.

Please dont tweet or otherwise share any content found on here. The editor of the magazine that runs this stuff gets as angry as fuck. Thanks – Ed.

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Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Scottish women prepare to hang washing out as Storm Caroline upgraded to Cat 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard

Celtic-fans

Scottish housewives pictured celebrating the Met Office upgrade last night

Women north of the border are looking forward to taking advantage of powerful storm force winds today after the Met Office upgraded Storm Caroline to a Category 5 BabyCrusherThunderBastard last night.

Mrs Tracy McDell, 24, from Maryhill in Glasgow told Dafty News: “This is great new fae me so it is. Ye dont get many guid dryin’ days like this yin promises tae be. When ye dae get a guid bit wind, it’s usually pissin’ doon with rain and aw. Aye, ah’ll be able tae get aw the kid’s stuff oot oan the line the day ah’m thinkin'”

Weathermen are warning people in Scotland to stay indoors when Caroline hits and to only venture outside for vital trips like going to the off-licence, or for a night out at the bingo.

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BREAKING

whelk trump tax

In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin

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