Tag Archives: humor

World Sniggers as Gabon Re-Elect President Ali Bongo

 

ali bongo

President Ali Bongo looks grim-faced as the Swedish delegate falls off his chair laughing at a UN conference

 

There was widespread chuckling amongst heads of government and their representatives yesterday when it was announced that, President Ali Bongo of Gabon, had been re-elected to office after a narrow two-point victory.

We spoke to a number of delegates as they entered The United Nations Building in New York last night and asked for their reaction to the news. The American delegate told us: “Ali what? You’re kidding me, right?”

The British delegate was equally dismissive and derisory. “Ali Bongo you say? So what, are they putting on a magic show for us now?”

However, a spokesman for the Gabon embassy in London hit back strongly at the critics: “Ok, I’ll admit that Ali Bongo isn’t the greatest name for a head of state, but at least we’re not as big a joke as the Yanks. Those guys are on the brink of electing a man named after a big smelly botty burp”

President Bongo is being sworn into office at the weekend, after which he is flying off to begin peace talks with President Jumbo Pants of The Central African Republic.

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Filed under Satire

Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

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Filed under Satire, Uncategorized

Working Out the WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

 

wordpress val

“Feel the burn yet my lovelies?”

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

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Filed under Fitness, Satire

Deciphering Tricky Lyrics for Beginners

 

 

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones. “Rip This Joint”

Mop says yes. Pop says no. Meet me on fire ‘cos I gotta go.
Gonna raise hell at the uni whore.
Drive Marcel right over the wall
Rip this joint gotta save ya soul
Round and around and around Wiggo
Roll this joint gotta get down low
Stop my farting or gonna stop the show!

Yeah…oh yeah!

Bip bop bang with the immigration man
Let me have the sweeties to get the lamb
Chap the valley or Memphis stew or I’ll chomp that valley while your on the loo.
Dip that sow in the radio or I’ll snap your right wally and bum your ho.
Dip your twat and own DC while dancin’ on a ho for a shit with me
Ding, bing, just one thing
Oh no baby don’t you hear me sing?
Flip, flop, grip me cock!
Come on, let it rock!!!

Sax break… (steady!)

NEXT WEEK: We can’t make head nor tail of Jumping Jack Flash.

The Rolling Stones Perform Live In Sydney

Charlie’s good tonight aint he?

For “Touch” who likes this sorta stuff. 

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Filed under Humor, Humour

Love Cheat R2-D2 Turned Me Into Crazed Jihadist Claims Dusty Bin

Dusty Bin Laden - Blank Meme

3-2-1 game show legend, Dusty Bin, last night made the sensational claim that the promiscuous behaviour of his erstwhile lover, R2-D2, led to his radicalisation by Islamic extremists

Bin, who now wishes to be known as, Dusty Bin Laden, told The Whelk that Star Wars icon, D2, who died aged 39 last weekend, was a serial love cheat who had a string of clandestine affairs with a series of other screen robots. Bin told us that the diminutive droid boasted openly of bedding a number of Daleks, a cyberman, Robbie The Robot out of Lost in Space, and even, Wall-E, who he seduced during a family holiday to California.

Bin has now embraced Islam and has sworn to crush the infidel and to help establish Sharia Law across the world.

“I used to be a Baptist until R2 started sleeping around,” he told us. “Now, because of him, I won’t rest until myself and my Muslim brothers are marching in triumph over the twitching bodies of the slain infidels. Inshallah.”

Mr Bin has asked that his fee for this interview be donated to The London Sanctuary For Distressed Mad Mullahs

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Uncategorized

Southern Rail to Nationalise Jeremy Corbyn

corbyn im going nowhere

Oh yes you are sunshine

The under-fire Southern Rail train franchise have announced plans to nationalise beleaguered Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn after a damning report declared him “unfit for purpose”

A spokesman for the company, who have been heavily criticised in recent months for poor service and frequent delays, last night told reporters:

“It’s totally unacceptable to expect Labour voters to put up with the type of shambolic service that Corbyn is offering at the moment. His own party members are in revolt, and the only people who seem to like him are tank-top-wearing, swivel-eyed art students, and women with hairy armpits.

“We, therefore, intend to nationalise him as soon as we have drawn up the legislation, and, hopefully, a more efficient and popular Corbyn will be the result. Because let’s be honest, we couldn’t turn him into a bigger wassock than he already is could we?”

.This groundbreaking move draws a direct parallel with the events of 1968 when British Rail turned the Conservative Minister for Transport, Reginald Maudling, into a one-way system on the outskirts of Birmingham.

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Filed under political satire

SoZ Satire’s TV Choice

television

Yesterday Channel: 17.00. Great British Railway  Journeys

A man travels from London Bridge to Inverness in a locked 1st Class carriage accompanied by 6 nymphomaniac Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, all of whom own breweries and have forgotten to put any clothes on.

Contains some upsetting images, especially for the man’s girlfriend

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Filed under Humour, Uncategorized

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