Tag Archives: humor

HARRISON FORD DYING FROM DUTCH ELM DISEASE

 

harrison

On his way out. Ford pictured clinging on by a thread last night

 

It was announced last night that, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.

Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.

A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the imminent death of our friend and benefactor, Harrison Ford. He is truly one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”

Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later.

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Storm as British Wing of Black Lives Matter Impose ‘No Blacks’ Ruling

 

 

black-lives-matter

The political wing of Black Lives Matter pictured at their HQ in Chelsea last night.

 

There was mounting criticism in some quarters for the British version of the American, Black Lives Matter, pressure group last night after their president, Julian Boddington-Smythe, announced that the group were imposing a strict ‘whites only’ policy.

Boddington-Smythe, 22, the son of a Surrey stockbroker, spoke to SoZ Satire shortly after his release from police custody last night; following his arrest, and that of 8 of his white colleagues, at a sit-down protest at London City airport yesterday morning.

Wearing a Saville Row suit and a “Roots Me Bredrin” t-shirt, the unemployed former sociology student said: “We’ve been attacked in the Tory media for not having any blacks at the protest this morning and that’s because we don’t want any. We get a bad enough press as it is without having any gangsta types jumping on the bandwagon. We can’t be expected to take on the white establishment and fight for our oppressed black brethren with those sort of people in tow for God’s sake.

“The rules are that you must be white-British, middle to upper-middle class, and with a proven history of being a spoilt and demanding, disruptive pain in the arse almost from birth.

“People with names like Tarquin, Jemima, Gerald, or Sophie are particularly welcome; but we don’t want any Winstons, Delroys or Darrishas thank you very much.”

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter in Montgomery, Alabama expressed surprise when we told him of the no blacks ruling last night.

“Say what? he told us “No goddamn niggers in a black pressure group? Those limey assholes must be crazy man. With any luck, one of the brothers from one of the other limey hoods will drive by their boss man’s crib and bust a cap in his skinny white ass”

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Silent Movie Stars With Bladder Control Issues #571

THIS WEEK: Greta Garbo.

garbo

NEXT WEEK: Dolores Costello experiences a fair bit of seepage while in a clinch with Ben Turpin.

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Filed under Humor, Humour

World Sniggers as Gabon Re-Elect President Ali Bongo

 

ali bongo

President Ali Bongo looks grim-faced as the Swedish delegate falls off his chair laughing at a UN conference

 

There was widespread chuckling amongst heads of government and their representatives yesterday when it was announced that, President Ali Bongo of Gabon, had been re-elected to office after a narrow two-point victory.

We spoke to a number of delegates as they entered The United Nations Building in New York last night and asked for their reaction to the news. The American delegate told us: “Ali what? You’re kidding me, right?”

The British delegate was equally dismissive and derisory. “Ali Bongo you say? So what, are they putting on a magic show for us now?”

However, a spokesman for the Gabon embassy in London hit back strongly at the critics: “Ok, I’ll admit that Ali Bongo isn’t the greatest name for a head of state, but at least we’re not as big a joke as the Yanks. Those guys are on the brink of electing a man named after a big smelly botty burp”

President Bongo is being sworn into office at the weekend, after which he is flying off to begin peace talks with President Jumbo Pants of The Central African Republic.

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Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

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Working Out the WordPress Way With WordPress Family Val Hughes

 

wordpress val

“Feel the burn yet my lovelies?”

 

Looking for the body beautiful? Has your sedentary blog-obsessed lifestyle taken its toll on your figure and physique? Then The Val Hughes Workout is for you!

Here are a few simple exercises to try at home when you’re stuck in front of your laptop or device feverishly looking for acclaim and validation from abject, like-minded literary failures like yourself.

First, and most importantly, warm up with a few short, duplicitous comments on a blog that appears to have been scrawled across the site by a drunken chimp. After 5 minutes, you’ll be ready to launch into the workout proper.

Remember to stay hydrated at all times as reading and pretending to like a steady stream of amateurish drivel can be pretty exhausting, even for the most seasoned bullshitter.

Exercise 1 – Crawlarse Squats: Bend the knees and squat down until your thighs are parallel with the floor. Hold and tense the buttocks for 5 seconds while telling an inept WordPress ‘poet’ that their vile output reminds you of Lord Byron at his finest. Repeat for 3 sets of 8

Exercise 2 – Fawning on the spot: March on the spot using high knee lifts while sucking up to a beetle-browed moron of a blogger who doesn’t know his arse from his ellipses. 2 sets of 12

Exercise 3 – Bullshit pull-ups: Using a pull-up bar, tell some absolute cunt of a ‘writer’ that you’ve read all his work and that you’d definitely buy his disgusting self-published bilge if it ever comes out. 3 sets of 8

Exercise 4 -Insincere stomach-churning crunches: Adopt a comfortable supine position on a bench or floor and sound as if you’re reaching orgasm as you comment on a particularly hideous piece of prose that’s quite frankly not fit to wipe your cat’s arse with.

Exercise 5 – Speed liking: This is a gruelling little number in which you race down your reader, liking everything you come across without even looking at the title. Try to manage at least 20 likes in 2 minutes and then work up to 100 plus when you become more proficient and even more devoid of a moral compass or sense of shame.

Exercise 6 – Self-Published Tripe Deadlifts: This is the final and most taxing exercise of the regime. Put all your utterly dire and unreadable self-published books – that you’ve tried desperately to flog on Amazon to a depressing assortment of gullible and astonishingly thick followers, into 2 suitcases and lift them by the handles until you are upright. Lower them down again and repeat for 3 sets of 8. A weightlifter’s belt should probably be worn for this physically demanding routine.

Finally, warm down by reading some of the heartening but wildly over the top comments on your own depressingly poor blog, bearing in mind that 90% of these people won’t have read it, and that the remaining 10% are as totally clueless as you are; which render’s their half-assed opinion utterly worthless

Remember The WordPress Family motto everyone: No pain, no delusional gain.

Kind regards from your WordPress Family friend

Val. xoxoxo

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Filed under Fitness, Satire

Deciphering Tricky Lyrics for Beginners

 

 

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones. “Rip This Joint”

Mop says yes. Pop says no. Meet me on fire ‘cos I gotta go.
Gonna raise hell at the uni whore.
Drive Marcel right over the wall
Rip this joint gotta save ya soul
Round and around and around Wiggo
Roll this joint gotta get down low
Stop my farting or gonna stop the show!

Yeah…oh yeah!

Bip bop bang with the immigration man
Let me have the sweeties to get the lamb
Chap the valley or Memphis stew or I’ll chomp that valley while your on the loo.
Dip that sow in the radio or I’ll snap your right wally and bum your ho.
Dip your twat and own DC while dancin’ on a ho for a shit with me
Ding, bing, just one thing
Oh no baby don’t you hear me sing?
Flip, flop, grip me cock!
Come on, let it rock!!!

Sax break… (steady!)

NEXT WEEK: We can’t make head nor tail of Jumping Jack Flash.

The Rolling Stones Perform Live In Sydney

Charlie’s good tonight aint he?

For “Touch” who likes this sorta stuff. 

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Filed under Humor, Humour