Tag Archives: humor

Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Filed under Humour, Medicine, Satire

Netanyahu hits back after Priti Patel 1-star rating on TripAdvisor

Benjamin-Netanyahu

Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, last night hit back furiously at disgraced UK international development secretary, Priti Patel, after she gave him a paltry 1-star rating on holiday site, TripAdvisor.

Patel, who was forced to resign on Wednesday following a number of meetings with Netanyahu and other prominent Israeli political figures, slammed the venue for the meeting as, “filthy and unhygienic, with cockroaches in the bedroom, noisy air conditioning, and no plug for the bathtub”

She also criticised, the Israeli premier for being “surly and unhelpful” when she asked if she could have an ironing board, and for being “miles from the beach with a gruelling uphill walk to get back to the conference room from the town”

Giving Netanyahu a 1-star rating, she advised future travellers to: “give him a miss and find a political figure that’s actually worth the money”

Netanyahu responded furiously last night: “This lady needs to understand that you get what you pay for in the holiday business. If it’s 5-star luxury she’s after I suggest she spends a fortnight with Denis Skinner”

It is believed that Patel will now be considering her options during a short break to Sarah Palin.

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, Humour, political satire, Politics

HARRISON FORD DYING FROM DUTCH ELM DISEASE

 

harrison

On his way out. Ford pictured clinging on by a thread last night

 

It was announced last night that, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has Dutch Elm Disease and is not expected to last much beyond the new year.

Ford, 109, is famed for his wooden performances in over a thousand blockbuster movies, including the latest Star Wars epic, for which he received a sum equal to the national debt of Argentina.

A spokesperson for Pinewood Studios – named to commemorate Ford’s utterly inept performance in a film about the president of America on an aeroplane – said last night: “It is with great sadness that we announce the imminent death of our friend and benefactor, Harrison Ford. He is truly one of the good guys and a talented actor who could run the entire gamut of emotions from A to B. He will be greatly missed by his friends and bank manager alike”

Following his passing, Ford will be buried at sea with a 1-ton weight chained to his ankle to ensure that he doesn’t become a piece of driftwood and is washed up on a desert island a year or two later.

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Storm as British Wing of Black Lives Matter Impose ‘No Blacks’ Ruling

 

 

black-lives-matter

The political wing of Black Lives Matter pictured at their HQ in Chelsea last night.

 

There was mounting criticism in some quarters for the British version of the American, Black Lives Matter, pressure group last night after their president, Julian Boddington-Smythe, announced that the group were imposing a strict ‘whites only’ policy.

Boddington-Smythe, 22, the son of a Surrey stockbroker, spoke to SoZ Satire shortly after his release from police custody last night; following his arrest, and that of 8 of his white colleagues, at a sit-down protest at London City airport yesterday morning.

Wearing a Saville Row suit and a “Roots Me Bredrin” t-shirt, the unemployed former sociology student said: “We’ve been attacked in the Tory media for not having any blacks at the protest this morning and that’s because we don’t want any. We get a bad enough press as it is without having any gangsta types jumping on the bandwagon. We can’t be expected to take on the white establishment and fight for our oppressed black brethren with those sort of people in tow for God’s sake.

“The rules are that you must be white-British, middle to upper-middle class, and with a proven history of being a spoilt and demanding, disruptive pain in the arse almost from birth.

“People with names like Tarquin, Jemima, Gerald, or Sophie are particularly welcome; but we don’t want any Winstons, Delroys or Darrishas thank you very much.”

A spokesman for Black Lives Matter in Montgomery, Alabama expressed surprise when we told him of the no blacks ruling last night.

“Say what? he told us “No goddamn niggers in a black pressure group? Those limey assholes must be crazy man. With any luck, one of the brothers from one of the other limey hoods will drive by their boss man’s crib and bust a cap in his skinny white ass”

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Silent Movie Stars With Bladder Control Issues #571

THIS WEEK: Greta Garbo.

garbo

NEXT WEEK: Dolores Costello experiences a fair bit of seepage while in a clinch with Ben Turpin.

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Filed under Humor, Humour

World Sniggers as Gabon Re-Elect President Ali Bongo

 

ali bongo

President Ali Bongo looks grim-faced as the Swedish delegate falls off his chair laughing at a UN conference

 

There was widespread chuckling amongst heads of government and their representatives yesterday when it was announced that, President Ali Bongo of Gabon, had been re-elected to office after a narrow two-point victory.

We spoke to a number of delegates as they entered The United Nations Building in New York last night and asked for their reaction to the news. The American delegate told us: “Ali what? You’re kidding me, right?”

The British delegate was equally dismissive and derisory. “Ali Bongo you say? So what, are they putting on a magic show for us now?”

However, a spokesman for the Gabon embassy in London hit back strongly at the critics: “Ok, I’ll admit that Ali Bongo isn’t the greatest name for a head of state, but at least we’re not as big a joke as the Yanks. Those guys are on the brink of electing a man named after a big smelly botty burp”

President Bongo is being sworn into office at the weekend, after which he is flying off to begin peace talks with President Jumbo Pants of The Central African Republic.

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Israel Launch Airstrike on Kenny Dalglish’s Allotment

 

kenny dalglish

Kenny pictured tending his allotment in happier times

 

 

Glasgow Celtic and Scotland soccer legend, Kenny Dalglish, was furious last night after the Israeli air force bombed and strafed his allotment, flattening his shed and destroying his crop of beetroot and courgettes.

The attack is believed to be in retaliation for the pro-Palestinian demonstration held by Celtic fans at the weekend before a match against an Israeli side.

Dalglish told Dafty News: “When I heard that the Israelis had bombed my allotment I was furious. It was only by pure luck that they didn’t hit my cucumbers and jersey royal spuds. I’m not happy about this I can tell you and I’ve already emailed Benjamin Netanyahu asking for compensation.”

A spokesman for the Israeli Defence Force said last night: “Yes we bombed Dalglish’s allotment and we’d do it again given half the chance, the Scottish asshole”

This latest act mirrors the occasion in 1987, when Celtic and West Ham legend, Frank McAvennie, was injured in a Russian car bomb attack after he allegedly shagged Boris Yeltsin’s bird.

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