Tag Archives: Health

Anti-Vaccine mum blames NHS for faulty diode in car’s alternator.

alternator

An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.

A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.

Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.

“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”

Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.

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Filed under Humour, Medicine, Satire

Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors

hospital 2

Facebook whining in the olden days

A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.

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Bumper Xmas Issue Of Satirical Magazine Blamed For Sharp Rise In Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Soz Satire magazine complete with a mysterious rash, pictured infecting millions last night.

The British Medical Association are claiming that the recent alarming rise in sexually transmitted diseases across the country is entirely due to the launch of the bumper Xmas edition of Soz Satire magazine which came out last night.

A spokesperson for the genito-urinary clinic at The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel, East London, told us.

“We used to be able to take it easy at work until Soz launched their bumper Xmas edition, now we’re going at it like  one-armed paper hangers. I’ve not even had a chance to take the old woman Christmas shopping and it’s all down to those bastards!”

We spoke to a random selection of sufferers last night and we print their testimonials below

“I’d never had an STD in my life until the new Soz came out and now I’m absolutely riddled with Chlamydia” – The Arsebishop Of Camdenbury

“I read the bumper Xmas edition in bed with my wife and we both instantly contracted syphilis” – Clare Balding

“I haven’t read it yet so I’m absolutely fine thus far. I do have a great big face though” – Olly Murs

“Holy Gonorrhoea Batman! I’ve got a dose of the clap like you wouldn’t believe! It has to be down to those arch fiends at Soz Satire!” – Robin

“Steady old chum. You’ll upset Chief O Hara’s good lady wife who went down with a bad case of genital warts and thrush in the post office” – Batman

“Unh! Unh! Unh! Unh! Embarassing itching. Them hurt Hulk!” – The Incredible Hulk.

We contacted the magazine’s editor-in-chief, Clive Danton, 21, last night who told us.

“I’ve never heard such a load of old toot in my life! I’ve slept with at least 20 low class hookers in the last 5 days and I haven’t so much as experienced a slight reddening of my penis. Apart from a deep burning sensation in my urethra when I pass water I’m as right as ninepence. This is purely scare-mongering tactics from the lads at Private Eye and The Onion who are shit scared we’re going to nick all their advertising. Now sod off!”

Soz Satire’s bumper Xmas edition is now available on all half decent PCs and lappies and comes with a full endorsement from The Somali Home Doctor magazine and a weeks supply of powerful antibiotics.

Oh and and here’s the link http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire Might be an idea to stick a rubber johnny on before entering though, and that goes for you too ladies. Please practice safe reading.

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Filed under Comedy, Humor, Humour, Satire

SITUATIONS VACANT: Doctor’s Receptionist Required.

An intern at doctor’s receptionist training school is put through her paces.

 

A busy but friendly Inner London general practice are pleased to announce they have a vacancy for an experienced receptionist to carry out light, threatening duties, and to fob off members of the public who exhibit potentially life threatening symptoms, by using snarled, dismissive statements such as, “Doctor’s far too busy today” and “We may be able to fit you in next Friday”

 

The hatchet faced, taciturn old tugboat we seek, should be able to curdle milk at a glance and reduce small children to tears with a single malevolent glare if they so much as fidget momentarily on their chair, or ask mummy to take them to the toilet.

 

A background in the prison service is preferable although not essential, similarly a cowering, pussywhipped, bespectacled worm of a husband at home would also count in the successful applicant’s favour.

 

A uniform consisting of a hideous, floral patterned dress, stout Girl Guide walking shoes  and flesh coloured opaque support stockings will be provided.

 

If you think you match any of the above criteria please march brusquely into the surgery with a face like thunder, push yourself to the front of the queue and demand to see the practice manager in a loud overbearing manner.

 

The annual salary of 29k will be paid per calendar month and is exclusive of any bribes or protection money you can extort from the sick or elderly.

Members of The Humane Society or anyone with the slightest hint of empathy towards people battling against illness need not apply.

 

Image by Mina

 

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Filed under Humour, Personal, Spoof