Tag Archives: Fracking

Ironic Tweets Slammed After Anti-Fracking Woman Falls Down Manhole

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A manhole similar to the one that this daft bint fell down pictured last night.

The family of a prominent female conservationist who sustained serious injuries after falling down an open manhole this week, have hit out at what they describe as “a tirade of jeering and abuse” from social media trolls, who they claim, have targeted the woman and bombarded her with a number of comments that were extremely heavy with irony.

According to her husband Terry, Mrs Tracy Carter, 49 from Sheffield, Yorkshire, and a staunch opponent of the controversial fracking method of extracting shale gas which will benefit the entire country and bring much needed employment to deprived areas, has been made the subject of a number of abusive tweets on the Twitter social media site over the last few days.

Mr Carter, 54, and himself an avid anti-fracking activist, told us:

“Almost within hours of Tracy falling down the manhole she was subjected to a number of ironic comments on Twitter, and supposedly funny wisecracks on her Facebook page. They consisted of remarks like “If you weren’t so busy making sure our gas bills remained high you’d have spotted that open manhole and stepped around it, you interfering bitch”

One anonymous tweet accused Mrs Carter of being “a paranoid, alfalfa shoot-guzzling nutjob with too much time on her hands”, while her Facebook page was also targeted by pro-fracking types and was eventually taken down by her husband.

A spokesperson for Sheffield General Hospital, where Mrs Carter is being treated told us last night that she was “still incapable of taking on board irrefutable scientific evidence but stable”

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Satirical Magazine Buried Alive In Fracking Tragedy

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Soz magazine pictured before it became buried under tons of rubble all due to that fracking.

The world of satirical humour remained largely indifferent today as news broke of the demise of deeply unpopular and almost totally ignored magazine, Soz Satire, following a geological disaster caused by the shale gas extracting process known as fracking.

The magazine’s offices in East London were swallowed up inside a huge fissure in the earth’s crust after a man in Wigan put a high pressure hose into the ground earlier this morning.

All the editorial staff and writers perished, apart from the sub editor who was already lying unconscious in the gents toilet at The Boleyn Arms in West Ham. Doctors last night described his condition as “pedantic and irritating”

Tributes from the world of journalism have already started trickling in:

“Hot damn! Are you serious? This is awesome news! Those limey sonsofbitches have had it comin’ for years!” – The Onion

“Fuck’s sake! This is absolutely fucking diabolical! Fracking disaster you say? The poor cunts!” – The Salvation Army War Cry

“Tragic news which has saddened us all at these offices. I always found their work wonderfully uplifting, flashing and winking like a prism and yet redolent with the acrid stench of decay and death” – The Beano

“EYE CANT REED BUT EYE’M SORREE THEY ARE AWL DED” – The Times Higher Educational Supplement

“Christ my bloody joints are killing me!” – The Rheumatism And Arthritis News

“A shocking blow to the world of quality satire. My thoughts are with their families at this difficult time. I wonder what colour panties they were all wearing when they were crushed by the falling masonry” – Women And Animals

“Can ye no see ahm too drunk tae comment ye barmpot! Noo get tae fuck oot o’ here ya fuggin’ bashtas yersh!” – The Scotsman

“I have never seen eet. Hee haw hee haw hee haw” – The Arsene Wenger Bugle incorporating Popular Optician.

A memorial service will be held tomorrow night in the public bar of The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel. It was apparently the editor Clive Danton’s last wish that all his friends from the world of journalism should celebrate his passing with watered-down lager and salmonella sandwiches.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Satire, Soz Satire, Spoof

Middle-Class Woman Urges British Public To Get DIY Projects Around The Home Completed Before Fracking Holocaust Strikes

middle class woman

 

 

A middle-class woman from Dorking in Surrey, last night advised the people of Great Britain to get any outstanding jobs around the home completed before the entire country is laid waste when the shale gas releasing process, known as fracking,  is introduced later this year.

Mrs Mabel Rodrigues, 57, spoke to reporters from outside her plush home in the leafy, stockbroker belt backwater last night and urged the British public to “get a wiggle on” before the entire country is reduced to a barren hinterland.

“It’s so worrying” she said, flanked by her husband Giles and their two Red Setters. “I’ve always voted for The Conservatives in the past but I shall certainly think twice if this fracking business destroys the entire country”

“I know it’s only those dreadful northerners who are most at risk, and let’s be honest, if their homes fell down I doubt if anyone would notice a difference, but who’s to say that a huge crack wont open in the earth’s crust and kill us all in our beds. I saw some nice young men dressed like members of The Palestine Liberation Organisation on the news earlier and they seem absolutely convinced that this ghastly business will see us all in an early grave by October at the very latest.”

“I’m certainly not taking any chances and I’m going to get Giles weeding the herbaceous border and painting the guttering as soon as possible. I mean one doesn’t want the emergency services hauling one from the rubble with the house and garden in a mess does one?”

“I think it’s a jolly poor show to be honest with you and I shall be telling Hermione and Charles just that when we meet for our Wednesday night bridge evening tomorrow!”

Mrs Rodrigues then left to take her dogs to the grooming parlour, explaining “I’m damned if I’m going to have Tilly and Bertram looking unkempt as they roam the rubble-strewn wasteland feasting on our decaying corpses. I mean to say one does have certain standards to uphold you know”

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