Tag Archives: Facebook

Constant Facebook whining about health issues more effective than homoeopathy say doctors

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Facebook whining in the olden days

A recent report in The Lancet magazine has shown that people who whinge at length about chronic health conditions on the social media site, Facebook, stand a slightly better chance of recovering than those who choose homoeopathic remedies.

The report states, that according to findings by The Royal College of Surgeons, people who drone on endlessly about their aches and pains on their timelines stand absolutely no chance of the practice making the slightest difference to their tedious condition, compared to a less than zero chance of homoeopathic medicine having any beneficial effect whatsoever.

A spokesman for the RCS told a meeting of The General Medical Council: “Serial Facebook whiners are wasting their time, to be honest, and the sooner they start to realise that nobody reads their whinging old toot and, more importantly, that no one cares, the better for all concerned.

These findings come just a day after a study by The Royal Choral Society revealed that people who inflict their risible taste in music on their Facebook friends deserve hanging and hanging high.

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‘Libertarian’ man’s Facebook friends invade Poland.

 

ss-troops

Wuff oo babez! A number of Mr Piedade’s Facebook friends pose happily for the camera at a recent pre-invasion get-together.

 

A 54-year-old man from Burnley in the north of England has expressed his dismay after learning that a number of far-right sympathisers from his Facebook friends list have marched into Poland and have now occupied large swathes of the country.

Mr Jed Piedade, an unemployed florist, told reporters: “I’m a firm believer in free speech and open and sensible debate, so I have always welcomed people with extreme right-wing views onto my Facebook friends list with a view to sensible, well-intentioned discourse

“I’ve even actively trawled through a number of crypto-fascist Facebook groups, looking for particularly unpleasant types to add to my friends list in the hope of gently wooing them away from their neo-nazi beliefs by using carefully-worded, and hopefully, persuasive, reasoned arguments.

“I have to say, however, that thus far, I’ve had absolutely no success whatsoever, and indeed, have been subjected to a fair amount of hate-filled abuse on occasion, but the news that a number have now invaded Poland is particularly disappointing.”

It is now being reported that an armed division of Mr Piedade’s Twitter followers have annexed The Sudetenland and have begun building a number of concentration camps along the border with Germany.

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‘Cheerful’ Facebook woman found hanged

happy-woman

Mrs Harris as she appears in her Facebook avatar

 

A 35-year-old woman, described by friends as “always cheerful” has been found hanged at her bungalow in Lowestoft in Suffolk.

Mrs Jennifer Harris, a divorced mother of six, was found by a heating engineer who had gone to her home to carry out a repair on her boiler on Monday afternoon.

Mrs Harris was a keen user of social media, particularly Facebook, where she had over a thousand friends.

One of them told us last night: “This has come as a real shock. Jenny was the life and soul of my timeline. She was always so cheerful and full of life. She seemed to be so happy and content with life and always had an exciting new project on the horizon, whether it was foreign travel or just planning another weekend partying with her many friends. I’ll certainly miss her and her regular updates on how great her life is”

A neighbour of Mrs Harris, however, had a different view. Toby Dell, 45, told us: “She was a bit of a recluse, to be honest, and when she did venture out to buy groceries she seemed as miserable as sin. She had no visitors as far as I know and everyone around here thought she was a right pain in the arse. I’m not surprised she hanged herself to be honest”

Police are not treating her death as suspicious and believe her suicide may have been triggered by Facebook changing the ‘message’ icon at the top of people’s timelines.

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“FACEBOOK” PHOEBE FRENDZ: A DAY IN THE LIFE

ugly girl

Hi Guyz! Only me again. You remember… Phoeebs. You must remember me! I’m such a great laugh and have lotzz and lotzz of luvlee FB frendzzzz who think the absolute world of me and would never dream of mercilessly mugging  me off behind my back. Christ no!

Soon, we’re all going to meet up for drinkzzz in a big park in London. Therezz going to be lotzzz and lotzzz of my bestest FB chumzz there, and we’re going to give each other some really big (((((((HUGZZZZZZ))))))) and XOXOXOXO kisses because we all wuff each other SOOOOOOOO much…

I wudge having SOOOOOOO many luvlee frendzzz becozz they make me so happy, and are always there whenever I lose the plot and show myself up like shit on my statuzzz.

Sumtimezz, I might have a little meltdown and rant on about how sum peeple need to take a gud look at themselvezzzz and generally act the giddy arseole.  But my wuffly, ickle, FB frendzz never judge me or call me a mad bitch when I’m not looking. Thatzz becos they wudge me werry much.

Yezzzzzz, they make me happy, happy, happy! In fact, what with all my thousands of virtual frendzzz, and my totally exciting social life with them all,  I’m quite literally never home these days and it’s such a fabby larf, I must be the happiezzt person in the whole wide world!

HAPPY…….HAPPY……HAPPY……HAPPY!!!

I’m going to kill myself later.

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FACEBOOK COUPLE ANNOUNCE BIRTH OF 6LB 7OZ ATTENTION-SEEKING IRRITANT

couple with baby

A proud couple from South London last night announced the birth of their first child via the social media site, Facebook, declaring that the child weighed 6lb 7oz at birth and is already displaying a number of traits that bode well for a promising future spent whining and attention-seeking online.

“We’ve named him, Mark, after Mr Zuckerberg, said proud mum Tracy Dell, 23, from Bermondsey. “We can’t wait for him to get a bit older so we can teach him to use Facebook. His dad and I are hoping, that by the time he reaches school age, he’ll be capable of leaving vague, passive-aggressive status updates on his timeline, posting selfies – including pictures of his dinner, of whining constantly about being unwell, and maybe even filming and sharing short clips of the cat performing an impromptu, hilarious stunt”

Her husband, Toby, 27, laughed as he told us: “That would be great, but first things first. Initially, I want to make sure he’s able to send photographs of his tiny cock to women and to post memes containing unpleasant sexual innuendo before we even think of moving on to the more complicated stuff. My nephew, who’s only 9-years-old, has already been thrown out of Instagram for posting indecent images and has had his laptop seized by the police, so hopefully he’ll follow in his footsteps”

When told of the couple’s aspirations for the youngster, a spokesperson for Facebook said last night: “We’d like to congratulate the couple on the birth of their child, and, while we don’t encourage sending inappropriate material, we like to think we have a pretty good record of turning a blind eye to those who do”

The couple were back home late last night, and according to friends, have already started boring people rigid with countless photographs of the infant wrapped in a shawl looking like shit on a stick.

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Facebooker Takes Own Life Following ‘Friends’ Snub.

ugly woman

“I’ve not been well lately you know”

This one is a cautionary and heartbreaking tale which starkly illustrates the heartless, self-obsessed world of social media and the tragic consequences that can result. Thankfully, we members of the tight-knit WordPress Family know that this type of tragedy could never befall a member of our own ranks. That would be too ridiculous for words. Right?

Warning: May contain upsetting material and a variety of deluded halfwits.

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!status-update-dead/c55b

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Facebook Phoebe Celebrates The Forthcoming New Royal Arrival

ugly woman

“Eye luv Marc Zukkerburg!”

 

GAWD LUV AND SAYVE THE NEW ROYLE BABEE! IT’S A PRESHUS, BOOTYFUL ANGLE SENT DARN FRUM ‘EAVEN TO SAYVE THE WELD FRUM SIN!

WHEN I ‘EARD THE NEWES ON THE RAYDEEO I NEARLY WET MY NICKERS WIV JOY! I JUST PREY THAT OUR BOOTYFUL PRINCESS KAFFRIN STOPS BEING SIK AND KAN SUNE RETURN TO HER ROYLE JUTIES WIV ‘ER BELOVID USBAND PRYNCE WILLUM. EY’EM GOING TO DRINK SUM BLEECH AND MAKE MESELF SIK SEW THAT EYE CAN FEAL ER PAYNE.

IF ANYFINK ‘APPENS TO THAT PRUSHUS ROYEL ANGLE AND SHEE DYES IN CHYLDBIRF EYE’M GOING TWO MURDA ME KIDZZ AND FROW MESELF UNDER ER FOONRAL KARRIDGE AS A MARK OF RESPECK.

IT’S MYE AMBISSHUN TO START A FACEBUK GROOP DEDYKATED TO THE BOOTYFUL NEW ARRYVAL BUT EYE KANT WURK OUT HOW TWO DOO IT.

GAWD LUV AND SAYVE OWR BOOTYFUL ROYLE FAMLEE AND ESPESHIALLY PRYNCE ARRY OO FITES FOR IS CUNTREE AND KILLS ALL THEM BLACKIES IN AFGANEESTAN!!!!!

Phoebe is now appearing in a friend’s list near you, trust me on this one ok?

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Mona Horner The Facebook Mourner

mona horner facebook mourner

 

Mona’s Timeline Fri 15th August 2014 15.30

WOT A TERRYBLE WEEK ITZ BEEN FOUR SUM OF MYE FAVRIT CELEBRYTIEZ! FIRST THAT BOOTYFUL PRESHUS ANGLE, RODNEY WILLIAMSON, DYED FRUM SUEYCIDE AND THEN THE GAWJUS AND TROOLY GRATE ACTRISS, LAUREL BACAWL, WOZ TAKEN BY THE ANGLES COZ SHEE WOZ QUITE OWLD. GAWD LUV AND SAYVE OWR BOOTYFUL BELOVID ANGLES RODDY AND LAWRA AND MAY GAWD KEEP EM SAYFE AT HIS SYDE AND PROTECK EM FROM ARM!!!!

ON TOP OV THAT I’VE JUST RED IN THE PAYPER THAT MY AWL TYME FAVRIT SYNGER, SIR CLIVE RICHIE, HAS BEAN ARRESTID FOR INTERFEERING WITH A SMAWL BOYZ ARSE. WELL EYE DONT BELEEVE IT! SIR CLINT IZ A NORMLE RED BLOODID MAIL WHO LYKES GETTIN HIZ LEG OWVER  WIMIN AS MUCH AZ THE NEXT MANN! IF HE KILLZ HIS SELF OVER THIS EYE’M GOING TO FROW MYSELF UNDAH HIS FOONRAL CARRIGE ALONG WIV MY UBBY AND 6 KIDZ! GAWD LUV AND SAVE OWR PERFICK ANGLE SIR CLIVE RICHIE AND KEEP HIM SAYFE FROM THE POLEECE AND FRUM GETTING KANCA!

EYE’M GOING TWO START A SPESHUL FACEBUK GROOP TO CELYBRATE THERE LYVES AND INVYTE AWL MY WUFFLY FACEBUK FRENDZ TO JOYN. I DUN ONE THE OTHER WEAK FOR JUSTYNE BEEBER WHEN ORLANDOO BROOM SMACKED HYM IN THE MOUF AND OVAH TWO HUNDRID PEEPLE JOYNED AND ONLY ABOUT FREE QUARTARS OF THEM CAWLED ME A SILLY KUNT.

WUFF OO BABEZZZZ XOXOXOXOXO

 

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London Man Loses Facebook Account For Being Sound In Wind And Limb

dead people

A number of Facebookers pictured at a “Drinks In The Park” get-together last summer.

 

 

A 53 year old man from Barking in East London has been given a life ban by social networking giant, Facebook, for failing to complain about a single debilitating illness or painful injury since he opened an account in July 2003.

Danny Irons, a pattern maker at The Whitechapel Bell Foundry, looked visibly shaken but otherwise in extremely good health, as he spoke to reporters last night.

“I can’t believe Facebook have done this to me” he said, raising a 300lb barbel from the floor and executing a flawless set of 8 Romanian Deadlifts. “I had a warning pink slip from Facebook about 6 months ago, advising me that unless I contracted a fairly serious illness or sustained an injury that rendered me unable to work for a few months, my account would be closed without the opportunity to appeal. Apparently a number of people on my friend’s list had complained about my complete lack of whining, or of any desperate attempts to gain the sympathy vote by droning on, day in day out, about having something wrong with me.

“I can quite honestly say I’ve done everything in my power to get sick or to sustain an injury. I’ve spent countless hours sitting in doctor’s waiting rooms, chock full of coughing kids and wheezing pensioners. I’ve hung around in the lobby of The London Home For The Incurables in Streatham in the hope of picking up something terminal, and even went on holiday to the malarial swamplands of The Congo without having any shots, but all to no avail. At one point I felt quite hopeful when I noticed blood in one of my stools. I was hoping it might be the early signs of bowel cancer, but it turned out to be the result of a beetroot sandwich I’d eaten earlier that day.

“As for injuries, I’ve tried getting jobs in so-called hazardous professions. I spent 6 months as a trawlerman in Aberdeen, I took up window cleaning on icy mornings, I even spent 3 months as a bomb disposal expert in Helmand Province but I didn’t even graze my knee.

“I finally gave up after laying down on the track at Bethnal Green tube station, only to discover that Bob Crow had led the drivers out on strike that day. I don’t mind telling you I’m at my wits end”

A spokesperson for Facebook said last night. “Mr Irons’ excellent health was clearly upsetting other members so we feel entirely justified in imposing a life ban at this time. Now if you’ll excuse me I need to visit my doctor, with what I suspect, is a particularly nasty case of Black Water Fever”

Mr Irons has asked us to donate part of his fee to The Great Ormond Street Hospital For Twitter Followers Who Think They’ve Got A Bit O f A Cold Coming On.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Vladimir Putin Cyber Bullied My Cat Claims London Man

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Mr Terry’s cat pictured looking shaken last night.

A 43 year old cat owner from East London, last night made the claim that his cat had received a number of sickening messages via the social media website, Twitter, from Russian president, Vladimir Putin.

Mr Terry Carter, a painter and decorator from Tower Hamlets, told reporters that the alleged abuse began after he posted a photograph of his cat on the site 3 weeks ago. Looking shaken and with the cat nestling on his lap, Mr Terry said.

“It started innocuously enough I suppose. Mr Putin sent me a tweet saying “Is that your cat? It’s not as nice as some of the cats we have here in Moscow”

“Then his messages became more abusive. He sent one saying “Your cat is in shit state my friend. I would like to imprison it” He then sent a series of tweets telling me how he’d like to beat my cat around the head and body with a stick.

“Things finally came to a head last Tuesday when he tweeted “Your cat is a little turd. I am going to send a KGB man to kill it with a poisoned umbrella

“I’ve now blocked Mr Putin on Twitter and have also removed him from my Facebook friends list, but his words still haunt me. To the extent that I have now locked my cat in the basement to be on the safe side. I’ll probably keep him there until Putin either dies or is removed from office by The Politburo”

This latest revelation comes just 2 weeks after a woman from Lambeth in South London, made the claim that Zimbabwean leader, President Robert Mugabe, had called her dog “A fat fuck” on Instagram.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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