Tag Archives: Dorking

Dorking Woman Finds Face Of Khruschev In Cornflake Residue

kruschev

Khruschev pictured during The Cuban Missile Crisis telling the Russian people that the capitalist hyenas don’t like it up em.

 

A 43 year old woman from the sleepy backwater of Dorking in Surrey claims to have seen the face of  former Cold War president of the Soviet Union, Nikita Khruschev, in the Cornflakes residue at the bottom of her cereal bowl last Tuesday morning.

Mrs Mary Cleese,  a school dinner lady, told reporters. “It came as a complete surprise to find the face of the former Soviet strongman in the bottom of my Cornflakes bowl. There’s absolutely no doubt it was him though and if I hadn’t rinsed the bowl under the tap shortly afterwards I’d have taken a picture to prove it”

Mrs Cleese’s claim comes just days after a vicar’s wife from nearby Guildford reported seeing the profile of United Kingdom Independence Party leader, Nigel Farage in a large gob of her husband’s ejaculate.

Reuters

 

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Japanese Soldier Discovered Fighting World WarII In Dorking

 japanese soldier

Banzai!!!!…ah.

 

Details have emerged of the discovery of a Japanese WW II veteran in a small wooded copse just outside the small  town of Dorking in Surrey.

It appears the man, now aged 97, has been waging a solitary war against The Allies for the past 70 years in the mistaken belief that he was still in the jungles of Burma surrounded by The Chindits, completely unaware that Emperor Hirohito had surrendered to  the Americans in The Potsdam Agreement of 1945.

In 1944, Toshiro Shigamitsu, a corporal in the Imperial Japanese Army, was sent on a solitary forward reconnaissance mission to locate the position of British troops. Having discovered a small patrol of Royal Engineers setting up camp by a river ,the slightly built soldier had then crawled into the rucksack of an English Lance Bombardier, intending to lie concealed until first light before launching a sneak attack on the unsuspecting Tommies.

In an ironic twist of fate, the British soldier in question went home on leave to Dorking the following morning and unwittingly took the diminutive Japanese with him, along with his belt kit and smoking paraphernalia.

It would appear that on arrival in the sleepy stockbroker belt village, the unsuspecting Oriental crawled out of the rucksack and entered a nearby copse to lay up until further orders came from his commanding officer. He then remained secreted there for the next 70 years, ready to fight and die for The Emperor.

He apparently lived on a diet consisting entirely of berries and small Grayling that he’d caught from the nearby River Mole, using a shoelace with a rudimentary hook attached. He’d then baited the hook with bits of cheese and other morsels that he’d found in the discarded sandwiches of local picnickers and hikers.

Through an interpreter, Corporal Shigamitsu spoke to  reporters last night

“As far as I was concerned the war was still on and I was determined to do my bit for The Emperor and my beloved homeland. I must admit I was a bit concerned when I didn’t hear from my unit for over 2 years, but I put it down to the fact they were probably lying low and keeping radio silence whilst luring the British into a cunning trap. “I also noticed the weather had changed considerably, and that the piercing cries of Howler Monkeys and the sound of exotic bird-call had tailed off a bit. But I was determined to stick it out. I fashioned a sturdy shelter and an ad hoc machine gun nest from bits of twigs and old shopping trolleys I found partially submerged in the river and waited for any sign of the enemy.

“As the years passed my resolve strengthened.  I felt sure that my comrades would send word at any moment that victory was ours, and that the British dogs had been cleansed from The Far East forever. However, I must confess that I sometimes yearned to be able to abandon my post and go back to my former life as a bell boy in a small hotel.

“Now that I’ve done my duty to the best of my ability, all I want to do is return home to my wife in Hiroshima. I last spoke to her in early August 1945, via a forces telephone, but our conversation was brief and ended suddenly after she said  “Hang on a moment dear, there seems to be a bit of a kerfuffle outside”

 

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Dorking Woman Saves Town From Flood Catastrophe Using Son’s Breakfast Cereal.

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Wapping Dock in East London pictured last night after a worker swept in some deck crumbs from a tanker carrying a consignment of Weetabix

A 23 year old single mother from the sleepy, backwater town of Dorking in Surrey, was being hailed as a hero last night after she single-handedly saved the town from a potentially catastrophic flood disaster using her 6 year old son’s nourishing breakfast cereal

Jade Tracy, a petite blonde divorcee, who has lived in the town all her life, told reporters how she first hit upon the idea of using one of her child’s Weetabix biscuits to stem a raging torrent of flood water that was threatening homes and businesses during the powerful storm that ravaged large swathes of the south of England yesterday.

“It was quite funny actually” she told us from her neat home in Jackson Road, “I was getting Toby’s breakfast ready as usual. Weetabix is his favourite so I was doing that for him. I then noticed how incredibly absorbent the biscuit thingies were. I only gave him one and a half and yet I had to pour over 3 litres of milk on them just to moisten the edges a bit.

“I then started to wonder if they’d be any good against the floods that loads of my neighbours have had to put up with lately. Some of them haven’t been able to live in their houses since before Christmas you know? It’s been absolutely dreadful it really has.

“Anyway I put Toby in his buggy and we went down to the bridge in the high street. I threw one of his Weetabix into the River Dork that keeps bursting it’s banks, and just waited to see what would happen really.

“Within less than a minute the whole river and all the flood water from the shops had gone. All that was left was the Weetabix biscuit which had swollen up a bit.

“I couldn’t believe it to be honest. I thought it might have soaked up a few thousand gallons but to do all that was amazing. I was well chuffed and called my mum straight away to tell her”

Delighted residents are now planning a civic reception for Jade and little Toby, but the mayor told us it will have to take place after road gangs have finished removing the concrete-like Weetabix residue from nearby roads and buildings with pneumatic drills.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

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Village In Mourning As Family Of Five Drown Watching The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau.

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A Dorking man pictured settling down to watch The Godfather last night.

The sleepy hamlet of Dorking in Surrey was in shock last night as news emerged that a popular local family had drowned in their living room during a re-run of The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau on The Discovery Channel last Wednesday evening.

The unnamed family of five were believed to have been engulfed by over a million tons of sea water from The Gulf Of Mexico when their TV screen gave way under pressure as Cousteau’s diving bell descended to 100,000 leagues beneath the waves during a mission to explore the sea bed and to observe some of the weird and wonderful marine life that lives at such great depths.

Tragically only three of the bodies have been recovered by specially trained deep sea divers from the Royal Navy. It’s feared that the mother and one of her children may have been eaten by some of those bloated fish with massive eyes and big teeth that you can only see using a torch.

Jacques Cousteau died quite a long time ago and was therefore unavailable for comment, but his son, Phillipe, who does pretty much the same sort of thing, issued a brief statement last night.

“While we at The Undersea World Of Jacques Cousteau are deeply saddened to learn of this terrible event we should like to point out that the family only have themselves to blame. They should have sealed round the edge of the screen with a good quality bathroom sealant to prevent the ocean bursting through and drowning them. We always advise all the people in France to do this before the show goes out. We also tell them to place a washing up bowl under the TV in case there are any drips when we dive down to great depths to explore previously unseen marine features. It’s just common sense really”

In a bizarre coincidence,this latest tragedy comes just weeks after  two newly weds were slaughtered and mutilated in their front room by a raiding party of Orcs during a screening of Lord Of The Rings on Film4.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard I wouldn’t bother going to Soz Satire@Wix.com (or whatever the fuck the address is) if I were you because we’ve knocked it on the head for a month or so while we move the whole bastard shebang to some self-hosting WordPress site where we’ll have to sell our arses on the street just to afford a banner and strapline. Ok? x

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UKIP Man Blames Brief Dry Spell For Mail Order Bride’s Saucy Lesbian Romp

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A Thai mail order bride pictured trying to look all innocent last night.

 

A high ranking member of the right wing United Kingdom Independence Party last night claimed that a half hour break in the current wet spell of weather that has bedevilled much of the country recently, led to his Thai bride of 6 weeks engaging in a steamy sex romp with a woman who lives in their street in leafy Dorking, Surrey.

Andrew Davidson, 63, and a UKIP member of The European Parliament for 2 years, issued a brief statement last night.

“It is with the greatest regret that I have to inform you that my wife and I have agreed on a trial separation following a regrettable incident last week during a brief break in the weather. I dont wish to go into details at the present time but I can reveal that I caught her cavorting naked in our bed with one of our female neighbours. I can only assume that the woman concerned took advantage of the dry interlude to visit our home and seduce her.

“Admittedly things have been somewhat strained of late, and that since she was awarded British citizenship, our customary warm handshakes and sessions in front of the fire, reading The Bible, have all but dried up.

“However, I’m hopeful that we can patch things up given the time and space to do so, and that’ll she’ll eventually see sense and revert to the warm-hearted, smiling girl she appeared to be when I first proposed to her on the internet”.

Mr Davidson’s wife, a former Thai national, who cannot be named for legal reasons, was unavailable for comment last night, but she was spotted earlier in the day by neighbours, arm in arm with a large middle-aged woman in Dorking town centre. They reportedly bought a number of pairs of sensible shoes from a local charity shop before entering a nearby salon for  severe haircuts.

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Middle-Class Woman Urges British Public To Get DIY Projects Around The Home Completed Before Fracking Holocaust Strikes

middle class woman

 

 

A middle-class woman from Dorking in Surrey, last night advised the people of Great Britain to get any outstanding jobs around the home completed before the entire country is laid waste when the shale gas releasing process, known as fracking,  is introduced later this year.

Mrs Mabel Rodrigues, 57, spoke to reporters from outside her plush home in the leafy, stockbroker belt backwater last night and urged the British public to “get a wiggle on” before the entire country is reduced to a barren hinterland.

“It’s so worrying” she said, flanked by her husband Giles and their two Red Setters. “I’ve always voted for The Conservatives in the past but I shall certainly think twice if this fracking business destroys the entire country”

“I know it’s only those dreadful northerners who are most at risk, and let’s be honest, if their homes fell down I doubt if anyone would notice a difference, but who’s to say that a huge crack wont open in the earth’s crust and kill us all in our beds. I saw some nice young men dressed like members of The Palestine Liberation Organisation on the news earlier and they seem absolutely convinced that this ghastly business will see us all in an early grave by October at the very latest.”

“I’m certainly not taking any chances and I’m going to get Giles weeding the herbaceous border and painting the guttering as soon as possible. I mean one doesn’t want the emergency services hauling one from the rubble with the house and garden in a mess does one?”

“I think it’s a jolly poor show to be honest with you and I shall be telling Hermione and Charles just that when we meet for our Wednesday night bridge evening tomorrow!”

Mrs Rodrigues then left to take her dogs to the grooming parlour, explaining “I’m damned if I’m going to have Tilly and Bertram looking unkempt as they roam the rubble-strewn wasteland feasting on our decaying corpses. I mean to say one does have certain standards to uphold you know”

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Dorking To Be Twinned With Mogadishu.

Work gets under way to give Dorking that “Mogadishu look” last night.

There was tremendous excitement in the small rural backwater of Dorking in Surrey last night as plans were unveiled to twin the town with war- torn Mogadishu, the capital of Somalia and notorious home of murderous pirates and various warring tribal factions.

The Deputy Mayoress, Mrs Dolores Hunt, 56, made the announcement at a packed meeting of the town council on Tuesday evening.

“This is a real red letter day in the history of our town” she said “For a small and sleepy little place like ours to be twinned with the capital of a war ravaged failed state is a real coup and a tremendous honour. Not only will it put Dorking very much on the map, it will also help boost the town hall coffers with much needed revenue derived from shared booty from kidnappings, and of course plunder from piracy on the high seas, for which are good friends in Mogadishu are so rightly feted..

“We’re also hoping to arrange a number of student exchanges so that our youngsters can see first- hand how people from other cultures routinely murder and mutilate each other in the cause of ethnic and religious diversity. In return we’re asking the townspeople to open their doors and take in a small number of drug addled, psychotic and fully armed young Somali gangsters with a view to teaching them a few rudimentary lessons in hosting quiet bridge evenings and how to organise a summer fete.

“As a bit of light hearted fun, and to make our guests feel at home, we’re planning to launch a dawn raid on our neighbours in Guildford, during which we hope to slaughter a number of the townspeople, abduct their children and force them to become child soldiers before storming the local radio station.

“I have of course been in close touch with a number of the various warlords that roam the area, who have very kindly offered to give both myself and my husband, along with our two children, an extensive tour of the city. To this end we have chartered a small boat, and will hopefully be cruising aimlessly around the Indian Ocean with no sea charts or compass by the end of the month. Our hosts have assured us this will guarantee us a warm and joyous welcome from the locals.

“As a further mark of our friendship, and to make our honoured guests feel completely at home, the council have agreed to tear down a number of buildings in the town centre. To add an extra touch of authenticity, our French cousins from across the Channel have kindly agreed to supply us with a number of slavering, rabid dogs to roam through the rubble during our guests’ stay.”

Mrs Hunt was then winched aboard a bullet riddled, Blackhawk helicopter by US Marines, which was then brought down by friendly fire as a number of delighted townspeople discharged AK47 assault rifles and fired shoulder launched ground to air missiles into the air.

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