Tag Archives: dogs
The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.
A British dog taking advantage of a buy one get one free offer, pictured last night.
It is being widely reported by a number of global media networks that a 43 year old woman, from the English town of Dorking in Surrey, has taken advantage of a “buy one get one free” offer in a local branch of the Tesco supermarket chain.
It is believed that the incident took place on or around the beginning of June 2013, when the woman, who is now avoiding the media glare by staying with relatives, bought two tins of Tesco Prime Meaty Chunks dog food for her Springer Spaniel, and yet, due to an attractive, in store special offer, only paid the amount normally charged by the store for one can.
A spokesperson for the store issued a brief statement last night.
“Yes it’s absolutely true that this woman took advantage of a special offer at our Dorking branch. However, at the same time we’d like to point out that we as a company cannot accept responsibility for the choices made by our customers and anyway what the fuck’s it got to do with you?”
Gaga (pictured centre) takes a break from rehearsals with members of her dance troupe.
The showbiz world was stunned last night as eccentric pop princess, Lady Gaga, revealed to the press that on her last tour of the UK she conducted a tawdry love affair with a 67 year old homeless, alcoholic she’d met outside the O2 Arena following last year’s barnstorming, sellout gig.
The diva left reporters open-mouthed as she recounted her tale of feckless wandering with a “gentleman of the road” in January of last year.
Gaga told assembled media “I was just leaving the O2 with a few of my entourage when I noticed what appeared to be a bundle of rags heaped against the wall. I saw what I thought was movement and went over to investigate. Before I had a chance to slip on my Hause Of Gaga, PVC particle mask, a grizzled face emerged and I heard his sweet voice for the first time asking if I had any change and calling me his best mate.”
“As he climbed slowly to his feet, staggering slightly and clinging onto my shoulder for support, I noticed for the first time his ill fitting fetid trousers, stained with over a weeks worth of bodily secretions, his colourful facial bruises and the tiny flecks of sick in his rancid beard. Despite myself I moved closer and drank in the sweet alluring scent of stale Tennants Super on his breath and the heady aroma of dried piss that seemed to ooze from every fibre of his being. In that one life changing moment I was totally smitten and knew that come hell or high water I would have to make him mine”.
“The next few weeks were a heady, evil smelling blur as we spent every waking moment together, visiting bits of waste ground right across the country, sitting round burning sofas eating shoe polish and muttering to ourselves. We were half crazed with love and Lady Esquire Shoe Reconditioner. I can quite honestly say they were the happiest days I have ever known and that my personal hygiene descended to an all time low in his arms.
“He taught me so many new and wonderful things during our blissful time together. He showed me how to wander unsteadily round shopping precincts swilling from a 3 litre bottle of pikey cider. How to roar in people’s faces and the art of defecating into my trousers whilst carrying on a conversation with the police. He opened the door to tramp couture and demonstrated the best knots to use when tying the bit of string holding up my trousers. He instructed me in how to look poised and elegant as I staggered about all over the shop, carrying my entire worldly possessions in 8 carrier bags, and the art of partially slicing through the toecaps on my shoes so that they flapped about a bit when I walked along. He also taught me how to make the air around me so rancid and foetid that I’d end up having entire train carriages to myself and also the best equipped and warmest public libraries to go to if I needed to cram newspapers down the legs of my trousers. He even showed me how to have a fight with myself in a pool of sick in front of schoolchildren and their mothers. Nothing seemed to be too much trouble”
“Then came the terrible news that turned my entire world upside down. I was lying semi comatose in a train on the Circle Line at 4am when another hopeless stumblebum got on at Monument and told me that my beloved had been knocked down and killed by a black cab as he stood in the middle of the road shouting at traffic that were driving too close to his dog on a bit of string”.
“I spent the next few months in rehab, drying out and restricting myself to the odd fag butt I’d found squashed on the floor in one of the traps in the lady’s bogs. Sometimes I’d seek comfort by having an occasional sip of brake cleaner before getting my head down for the night in a piss soaked sleeping bag.”
“I feel as if I’m over the worst now and have resumed my former life of making appallingly bad records and poncing about on the stage with my Jack and Danny and tits hanging out”.
“It may have been a bad romance, but for me it will always be the most beautiful and tender episode of my life and no matter what people say, I’ll always have the memory of him, the rancid stench of his shitted up keks and those tender words he’d often whisper so softly in my ear as we walked home to our cardboard box under the Hammersmith Flyover ….”Yer me best fuckin’ mate yoush are! Yah fuckin’ bashta yersh! Yer FUUUUUUUUUCK!
Lady Gaga has requested that all proceeds from this interview be donated to The Nomadic Methylated Spirits Trust “Drinking Metal Polish Since 1895”