Tag Archives: depression

Subbuteo Table Cricket To Introduce Clinically Depressed Player

Clinically depressed England table cricketer “shoulders arms” and makes a dash for the airport while Australian slip fielders take the piss.

Following the withdrawal of yet another England cricketer from a touring party, this time, batsman Jonathan Trot, with a “stress-related illness”, table soccer and cricket icons, Subbuteo, have announced plans to introduce a player suffering from depression in time for the launch of their 2014 version in January of next year.

The company issued a statement  last night.

“We at Subbuteo pride ourselves on keeping up with all the latest trends in all of the sports we represent, so given the fact that so many English cricketers have been pulling out of tours lately, citing stress as the cause, we’ve have decided to introduce a clinically depressed batsman in our newest version.

The player will have a separate slot in the box, well away from the other players to simulate that insular, withdrawn demeanour so common amongst sufferers. He will also be jointed and hinged at the waist so that he can be curled up into the foetal position just before the start of play.

He will of course be absolutely useless once he takes to the field, fumbling simple catches, falling over during  long chases to the boundary and of course getting absolutely no runs with the bat, due to his turning his back on the fast bowlers and whimpering as soon as they’re in their delivery stride.

Customers who wish to pay a little extra for our deluxe version will have the option of placing a small plastic Boeing 747 aircraft just outside the stadium, towards which the player can be flicked shortly after the close of play on Day 1 of a vital test match.

We also plan to introduce a foul-mouthed, Australian fast bowler at some point, who will run down the pitch after every delivery, calling the player “A whingeing girly Pom” and threatening to break his arm and have sex with his wife, but it’s pretty much in the developmental stage at the moment”

When told of this latest innovation, bellicose, former Yorkshire and England cricketing legend. Geoff Boycott, who famously castigated England batsman Marcus Trecothick, for withdrawing from a tour due to mental health issues,  told reporters.

“Clinical bloody depression? I’ve never ‘eard the like in all my born days! We never ‘ad owt like that in my day! We used to finish a 16 hour shift down t’ pit, run 500 odd miles to Lords or t’ Oval, wi’ pads on, and still make two ‘undred odd runs before tea on t’ first day of test! Clinical depression? Bah ‘eck as like! These young buggers of today don’t know they’re bloody born, and ah’ll tell thee that fer nowt!”

He later issued a retraction after being censured and threatened with a fine by  BBC Test Match Special bosses in which he stated.

“Aye well ‘appen I were a bit too harsh on the poor lad. Professional sport is a reet tough business these days and I can even remember, back in my day, when Kenny Barrington tried to tek afternoon off in t’ second test against West Indies at Trent Bridge after ‘e found out his missus had been run over and killed by a bus in t’ street. Mind thee, ‘e still made 75 before lunch on second day of  test tha knows!?”

The new game will retail at £25.99 for the basic package and £37.99 for the deluxe “I want my mum, where’s the airport” version.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Dear Mechanic “For All Your Vehicular & Sexual Issues”

Dear Mechanic

 

I’m a 19 year old girl and my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and have recently become engaged to be married. However my entire world has been turned upside down by recent events and I knew I could turn to you for some sound advice and comfort in what has been a truly horrendous few days for me.

 

It all started last Tuesday morning when I set off for work in my battered old mini after saying goodbye to my father and my boyfriend, who’s staying in our home for a few days while his flat is being decorated.

 

I’d only gone a few hundred yards when my car suddenly came to a halt and wouldn’t restart. I then walked back to the house to ask for help from my dad and boyfriend. It was absolutely pouring with rain and by the time I got in I was soaked from head to toe.

 

I ran upstairs to see if my boyfriend was in the bedroom, but there was no sign of him, so I went back down and poked my head round the door of the lounge. To my absolute horror I saw both my father and my boyfriend stark naked and engaged in an unnatural act in front of a roaring log fire

 

 
 

I was so shaken I was unable to move for quite a while and just stood there transfixed as they went at it full pelt like common beasts of the field. Eventually I tore myself away from the disgusting spectacle and vomited violently into the sink.

 

I crept out of the house and got a bus to work, hardly able to believe what I’d just witnessed. When I got home that evening they were both very relaxed and behaved as if nothing whatsoever had happened.

 

Since that day I’ve become deeply depressed and a bag of nerves. I can’t eat or sleep and am taking a number of powerful anti depressants to keep me on an even keel. To be honest I’m just so distraught that life no longer seems to be worth living and I’m seriously considering doing something rash and ending it all.

 

Please help me! I’m at my wits end here and so fearful for my future!

 

Shelby Morris
Plaistow
East London

 

 

 

Dear Shelby

 

Please try to calm down and take a few deep breaths as there is no future in getting yourself all worked up about something that can quite easily be remedied.

 

The problem you describe is very commonplace in older vehicles and particularly the Mini 850, which I believe is the vehicle you own. It’s almost certain that water has entered the ignition system as you drove through a puddle. Simply remove the distributor cap and give it a wipe out with a piece of clean rag, making sure that the spring loaded carbon centre brush is fully operational. Then a quick spray of the plug leads and distributor cap with a water dispersant such as WD40 or Holts Ignition Seal and you’ll be up and running again in no time.

 

If you have any further problems just call one of the freephone numbers listed below and hopefully I’ll be able to help out.

 

 

Vehicle Pulling To One Side On Braking/ Vaginal Dryness- 0879 50001

Slipping Clutch/ Love Is Over In Seconds – 0879 50002

Engine Overheating When Idling/ I’m Too Tiny For Love – 0879 50003

Noisy Rear Axle And Final Drive/ Erectile Dysfunction Woe – 0879 5004

Wheel Wobble And Noisy CV Joint When Cornering/ I Think I Might Be Gay – 0879 5004

Piston Slap And Worn Crankshaft Journals / Embarrassing Itching – 0879 5005

 

Images by Mina

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