She may not still be with us but this gauge is
The Soz Satire Mint is delighted to offer you the chance to purchase any number of these lovingly crafted, commemorative, tyre tread depth gauges, either in six easy instalments or via a one-off payment offering absolutely no discount whatsoever.
Fashioned from the purest low-grade iron ore by our highly-skilled team of Somali asylum seekers, this beautiful little gauge will grace any sideboard or garage wall and serve as a fitting tribute to our beloved Princess Of Hearts, who was so cruelly taken from us on that dreadful night back in 1990 something.
Each gauge comes in it’s own genuine plastic pouch with a picture of Princess Di stuck to it with Bostik
We can also vouch for the functionality of each piece, which will accurately measure – give or take a few millimetres – the depth of your tyre tread so that you can ensure each groove is at least 2mm deep or whatever the limit is these days.
We are so convinced you will be absolutely delighted with your purchase we are offering a no quibble, money-back guarantee if you inform us of any problem, in writing, within an hour of delivery.
Stocks are limited so order yours now to avoid missing out on this never to be repeated offer. Simply bring a bankers draft for £2000 or a bag of gold Kruger Rands round to our offices at The Lord Rodney’s Head public house in Whitechapel East London, where a member of our friendly sales team will be only to happy to take your money before sidling out into the street with his collar turned up.
Declaration: I fully realise that The Soz Satire Mint has no obligation whatsoever to deliver or hand over the goods for which I am paying and that the chances of them doing so are very slim, bordering on non-existent. I am quite elderly/a vulnerable member of society with absolutely no idea how to make legal redress after being defrauded. My address is …………..and I am usually out from………to……… I do/do not have a dog. Signed ………….
A delighted Boyle pictured last night
A 64-year-old Scottish trawlerman has made the astonishing claim that he became a millionaire just one hour after Britain left the European Union.
Mikey ‘The Buckfast Kid’ Boyle from Glasgow, a scallop fisherman working out of the port of Arbroath, told local newsmen: “It’s unbelievable. Now that we’ve left the EU, the price of scallops will be rocketing to an all-time high of around 500 quid each, on top of which, we’ll have the entire sea to ourselves now that all the European boats have been booted out of our waters.
“Based on this, I’ve calculated that I was a millionaire just one hour after Britain was freed from the draconian constraints of the EU diktats.
“Of course, I haven’t got the cash in the bank just yet, but it’s only a matter of time. Michael Gove and Boris told me that”
When asked how he was going to spend his Brexit bounty, Boyle grew expansive: “Ah’m going tae go oan the big boay’s ginger and drink ’til ah cannae see straight” he confirmed.
A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has described how a personable woman in the queue for the tills at a Lidl supermarket invoked in him a murderous, exponential rage that consumed him in a spiralling vortex of raw, unbridled hatred.
Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I was already feeling a bit agitated when I joined the queue.
“I’d had a tiring day at work and just wanted to get home to stick my trotters up in front of the TV for the evening.
“So when this woman in front of me kept turning around, making light-hearted comments about everything from the weather to the price of minced beef, I felt this almost uncontrollable rage well up inside me.
“Then, when she finally got to the till and began chatting in a warm and friendly manner with the checkout girl, I realised that if I had been armed with an assault rifle I would have emptied it into this bitch without turning a hair”
Mr Dell served a 7-year prison sentence in May 1995 for assault occasioning grievous bodily harm after an incident in a Waitrose car park when he battered a man with a tyre iron who had cheerily asked him if he was going to watch the FA Cup Final later that day.
If you’re suffering from anger management issues don’t come whining to me about it or I’ll batter you from arseole to Saturday, you worthless piece of crap – Ed.
Becks and The Queen pictured at this year’s Royal Variety Performance
In a surprise move, soccer legend, David Beckham, has revealed that when Prince Philip dies he will divorce his wife, Victoria, and marry the widowed monarch as long as he is crowned King as part of the deal
Speaking to Men’s Health magazine, Becks, 67, said: “Let’s face it, Prince Philip’s in shit state these days and looks pretty likely to topple off the perch at some point in the very near future.
“I’m therefore going to divorce my missus and step into the void left by the Duke.
“I realise it’s a lot of responsibility and that I’ll have to open art galleries and shit like that, but it’ll be worth it to become the 2nd King David after that bloke in the Bible.
“I’m just hoping The Queen won’t expect me to have sex with her too often.
“I mean to say, she’s getting on a bit these days and is way past her best, although I would definitely have given her one in her younger days, if I didn’t have a match the day after of course.”
Meanwhile, fears are growing about the ailing Duke’s condition as reports are coming in that he has now gone three days in hospital without insulting any of the foreign staff.
A 21-year-old woman from Sheffield in South Yorkshire was being hailed as a heroine last night after a stale Weetabix breakfast biscuit she tossed out the kitchen window absorbed over 30 million gallons of floodwater, saving the ‘Steel City’ from certain destruction.
Cherie ‘Wee Wee’ Kirby, a married mother of 12 and ex-prop forward for Wigan Warriors, told newsmen from outside her home in Dell Street last night: “I noticed the Weetabic (sic) in bottom of t’ box and could see it were reet stale.
“I chucked it out winder, and, to my surprise, it soaked oop all t’ bloody flood water.
“I were reet shocked ah don’t mind telling thee, but it were a reet grand result for all that”
Weetabix has been found by scientists to be the most absorbent and enduring substance on the planet with the ability to soak up 300 gallons of warm milk in 0.45 seconds, after which it will achieve the hardness of carbon steel and will need to be removed from the sides of the breakfast bowl with an industrial, high grit angle-grinder
Ms Kirby was last night celebrating with friends and neighbours who carried her shoulder-high to the nearby Ferret and Trousers public house for what her husband, Ian, 97, described as: “A reet good skinful”.
Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold
With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland
Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.
We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.
Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.
“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.
“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!
In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.
A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle
A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.
Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.
An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.
“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk
“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.
“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.
“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”
This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.
Filed under Humour, Satire
Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.
Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.
Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.
Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”