Tag Archives: counselling

Jane Austin-Morris. No Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

jane austin-morris

 

 

Dear Jane

Please help me I beg of you for I find myself in the most parlous of states. I fear that my very sanity will be at stake if you cannot bring me succour in this most distressing of matters.

I am but a simple country girl, low born and of yeoman stock. I was raised in a rather pretty cottage on the Yorkshire moors called Wuthering Heights with my parents, my brother Hindley and an adopted foundling, Heathcliff.

As the years passed my affection for my adopted brother grew into a deep and passionate regard. He grew to become a taciturn and even a cruel man on occasion but my love for him deepened and flourished for all that.

Following a bitter quarrel one evening, during which I spitefully lied about my love for another gentleman, he stormed out into the night, disappearing from my life for many years.

During his absence I married another. A well born kindly gentleman of a most gentle and trusting mien. Although I held my husband in great affection I could not forget my first and most enduring love. During those long nights when my husband held me in his embrace it was Heathcliff’s arms that enfolded me and his warm lips that were pressed to my own.

Just as I had begun to believe that I had lost him for good, he returned! He had made a great fortune overseas and has now purchased my former home, my beloved Wuthering Heights where he now resides with my sister, Isabella, whom he uses most cruelly and in the most base manner imaginable.

Despite this I ache for his embraces and yearn for him to come to me and for him to make me his own. My heart is being torn asunder and I am at my wit’s end. I beg you to counsel me in this matter my dearest madame for I fear that if I can’t have him I shall have no recourse other than to put an end to my forlorn and loveless existence on this earth.

Yours Imploringly

Cathy

Yorks.

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Dear Cathy

Try feigning a life-threatening ague and take to your bed. Then simply get a servant girl to summon the gentleman to your bedside under the pretext of attending your imminent death. As soon as he bends over your wan, feverish body, pretend to have some kind of fit and throw off all the bedclothes affording him a cracking view of your tits and growler. After a couple of days have passed, pretend to have recovered and then summon him back to your bed chamber for a rattling good bunk up.

I wish you every success and the utmost health and happiness for the future.

I remain your most humble confidante madam

Jane.

Jane and a myriad of other odious characters can now be found in the April issue of this disreputable rag.  http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire So don’t delay, give it a miss today! 

 

 

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Jason And His Lager Thoughts. Grog-Fuelled Addiction Counsellor.

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“I’ll tek the f*****g lot of yers!”

 

 

Dear Jason

My name’s Mary and I think I may be becoming too reliant on drink to get me through the day.

I was always a sensible drinker until recently. A glass or two of wine at the weekend, the odd cold beer while on holiday etc. However, over the last 6 months my alcohol intake has increased quite substantially. As soon as I wake up I drink a can of strong lager with a Jack Daniels chaser. I then down 4 or 5 pints of light and bitter while I get dressed and put on my make up.

At work I drink constantly from a vacuum flask containing Sambuca and blackcurrant, which my colleagues think is black coffee. I then have around 10 pints of scrumpy cider in the pub on the way home from work before relaxing in front of the TV with a few bottles of red wine and a 6 pack of Tennants Super.

Friends tell me that my behaviour has altered lately too and I’ve been arrested a number of times for brawling in the street and for sleeping in shop doorways

I realise I’m probably exceeding the amount of units recommended by health experts and would love to cut down my intake before things get out of hand.

Is there any advice you can pass on regarding this one Jason as I know you’ve overcome similar problems yourself in the past?

Yours faithfully

Mary Terry

Glasgow.

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Dear Mary

Can I get back to you after I’ve been down the off-licence Mary? Only I’m shaking like a shitting dog here love.

All The Very Best

Jason.

Disclaimer: No Ancient Greek heroes were slain by sword wielding skeletons in the writing of this skit…hopefully.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire *hic*

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Jane Austin-Morris. No Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

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Dear Miss Austin-Morris

Pray allow me to introduce myself and to beg your counsel in a matter of the heart which I have found greatly troubling of late.

I am a gentleman of four and thirty years, high born and with a considerable fortune. I live in an extremely agreeable, some would say sumptuous, manner in a large, well appointed house in Hertfordshire.

However, despite all these trappings of wealth I find myself miserable in the extreme. For you see madam, my heart no longer belongs to me. I have given it most wholeheartedly to a young woman who despises me and who shuns my presence at every turn.

She is one of five sisters, daughters to a local businessman, a thoroughly respectable family of moderate means for whom I have the utmost affection and respect.

Elizabeth, for that is indeed the name of my dear one, is the eldest sister, a beautiful creature of somewhat haughty bearing who spurns my society at every turn despite my most ardent entreaties.

I have endeavoured to curry her admiration by assisting her whenever possible in her times of greatest need. I have even aided her youngest sister, a flighty and foolish little thing, by exposing her faithless new husband as a carousing blackguard, a feckless adventurer who will surely lead the poor creature to ruin.

My own family’s equilibrium has also been greatly disturbed due to my unfettered, and quite hopeless regard for this lady. I have attracted the displeasure of my aunt, a wizened and taciturn harridan, and her daughter, a most disagreeable and unsightly creature, who baulk greatly against my attempts to pay my suit to my beloved one.

Despite all my efforts however, she remains cool of mien and is unmoved by my most earnest entreaties to become my wife. I therefore beg of you madame, offer me your most sought after advice and bring me succour in this most distressing matter.

I fear that if I do not make her mine I shall lose all hope and seek some kind of inner peace by joining my father’s regiment and will embark to foreign shores to fight, and if necessary die, for my King and country.

Without her you see madame, death holds no dominion over me and if I am to be slain in battle, then let it be known that her precious name will be the last words on my lips.

I Am Madame Your Most Humble Servant

Mr Darcy

Lakeview Towers

Hertfordshire

 

My Dear Mr Darcy

Have you tried swimming across a lake fully-clothed before advancing towards this lady with your nob hanging out?

Your Servant Sir

Jane Austin-Morris (Miss)

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Tracy Stutters. Unhelpful Fertility Counsellor.

Dear Tracy

My wife and I have been trying for a baby for 3 years without success. We’ve tried everything including homoeopathy and conventional medicine but all to no avail. My wife has now become severely depressed and is finding it difficult to get through the day without drink and tablets. Please help us if you can Tracy as we’re both so desperate to start a little family.

Jason Cummings

St Austell

Cornwall

 

Dear Jason

Y…..Y….Y…YOU  S…S…S…SEEDLESS  L…L…L…LIMPDICK  T…T…T…TWAT!

Kind regards

Tracy.

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Rankin’ Papa Dee. Yardie Relationship Counsellor

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Dear Papa Dee

Over the last few months I’ve become convinced that my wife is having an affair. She’s 23 and I’m in my early 60s. Just lately I’ve noticed her taking much more care over her appearance and she’s begun wearing a lot of revealing outfits, particularly at weekends when she often doesn’t return home until the early hours of Monday morning after setting out on Friday evening. She has also become very secretive with her phone, swearing and lashing out if I go anywhere near it. I’m now at my wits end as I love her very much and don’t want to lose her. Is there anything I can do to get her to spend more time with me and to go out less?

Rankin’ Papa Dee ‘im say.

Lawd Jesus! Easy now me bredrin. Nah get so vex sah! When da poom poom start to neglect their duties dem, you ‘ave to put dem under some bloodclaat ‘eavy manners me yoot. First ting you ‘ave to do is throw some ‘ard wood pon her man. Nah tek no for an answer me bredrin. Jus ‘old ‘er down to raass and  drive some ‘eavy, ‘eavy wood pon dat poom poom till she learn some manners dem. She will respeck you when you done made your water sah.

Next ting is to tek care of de rival yoot . Tek up a ratchet and a pistol and put em in yo waist brudder. Den go pon dis boombaclaat’s yard and shoot ‘im up and cut off ‘im lilly cock wid da rachet.

When you done all dem ting and dis pussyclaat ‘im dead, go back pon your yard and tell de bloodclaat wife to get in da kitchen and make up a whole ‘eap o’ curry goat and dumplin’, cos you is ‘ungry to raass after mashing up ‘er lilly bwoifriend and killin’ im claaat.

Blessed love me bredrin

Rankin’ Papa Dee.

Image of me looking a little more righteous than usual by Mina.

Character inspired by my good friend and blessed yoot Carl *Shakey* Shakes

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