Tag Archives: coarse fishing

Ask George: The Canine Angling Expert & Relationship Counsellor You Can Trust

george nuts

“Tight Lines!”

Dear George

I’m a middle-aged woman with rapidly fading looks and a burgeoning waistline who foolishly thought she had found true love and a lifelong soul mate, until something happened last week that bought my entire world crashing down around my ears.

I had been out for the day, doing a spot of coarse fishing on the River Swale in Yorkshire. It had been a slow day in that regard with just a few small roach and an 8oz Perch to show for my efforts. It was a bit of a chilly one so I packed my tackle away early and came home.

When I got back I called out for my partner but there was no reply. Thinking he was upstairs taking a nap I went up to the bedroom. What I saw there will remain with me until the day I die.

My boyfriend, and the man I had come to love and trust over the preceding months, was in bed with our Airedale Terrier, Bertie. They were kissing passionately and were clearly having sex.

Unseen by either of them I fled from the room in tears and rushed to the bathroom, where I vomited over and over before laying down on the floor, shaking and crying my eyes out.

I confronted them both later that evening when my lover admitted they’d been romping behind my back for months and that they wanted to be together. I threw them both out that same night and have been absolutely distraught ever since.

Please help me if you can George as I’m feeling so low and so alone right now. I’ve started drinking heavily and have even thought of taking my own life on a couple of occasions. I just don’t know which way to turn to be honest with you.

Yours Faithfully

Sally Ripper-Territory

Huddersfield

*************************************************************************

Dear Sally

Yours is a fairly common problem, particularly at this time of year when the fish start to go off the feed due to the cooler weather.

I suggest you give the rivers a miss for the time being and opt for a stillwater venue, where there are still plenty of big Bream, Carp, and of course, Pike to be found that will readily succumb to a well-presented bait at this time of the year.

All the very best, and of course, “Tight Lines!”

George.

For all your angling or relationship-based problems why not call one of George’s helplines:

0800 29875 – Finding A Piking Hotspot/Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction

0800 57892 – Chub Fishing Using Natural Baits/Vaginal Dryness Issues

9800 67584 – Which Groundbait?/Too Tiny For Love

0800 13983 – Livebaiting For Big Pike/Embarrassing Itching

0800 58976 – Stillwater Ledgering For Bream/It’s Over In Seconds

0800 60985 – Carping For Beginners/Trapped Inside A Woman’s Body

0800 58214 – River Fishing In Winter/Bondage & Sado Masochism Tips

0800 79873 – Specimen Perch Hunting/I Think I Might Be Gay

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Ask George. “Canine Coarse Angling Consultant To The Stars”

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“Tight Lines!”

 

Dear George

I wonder if you can help me with this one. My good friend and fellow entertainer, Robbie Williams, and myself are planning a week away from showbiz at the end of this month to go Pike fishing on Loch Lomond in Scotland.

Given that the weather conditions are likely to be pretty unfavourable and decent catches at a premium I was wondering whether you could advise us on rigs, bait, hot spots etc.

I was thinking that maybe a small live bait, perhaps a roach or perch, trolled behind a rowed dinghy, might be the way forward given the huge surface area to be covered. Robbie’s largely in agreement but thinks that a spinner or plug might be more productive.

Your advice would be most welcome George.

Yours Faithfully

Olly Murs

Essex.

 

 

Dear Olly

*scratch, scratch, grunt, snuffle, wheeze, gasp, scratch, pant, Zzzzzzzzzzz, PARP!, slobber, snuffle, drool, grunt, PARP! Grrrrrr, wheeze, Zzzzzzzzzzzzz, scratch, snuffle, lick, scratch, grunt, PARP!, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!*

All the very best lads and don’t forget…”Tight Lines!”

George

East London

PS. Try ledgering a medium dead bait, a mackerel or herring, in a sheltered inlet, using a 60lb BS line and a quality wire trace. PAAAARRRP!!! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

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Filed under Showbiz