Tag Archives: classic literature

SOZ SATIRE’S HEAVILY EDITED CLASSICS IN COCKNEY.

pride with caps

1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead my son”

BOOM!.. BOOM!… BLAM!… BOOM!… KAPOOOW!… GNNNNNNNN!

“Christ thank Gawd that’s over Katerina. Peace at last sweedart!… Gissa kiss Treacle”

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2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

“It’s a little geezer Mr Bumble. The muvver died in childbirth the poor little mare”

“Bow to the board you little toerag!”

“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”

“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly squire. Now come and live in my big old drum in London”

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3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“I’m gonna nail that big fat white bleeder if it’s the last fing I do, so ‘elp me!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WOT A BLEEDIN’ SICKENER! glub glub glub…UNH!

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4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half-daft daughter. I  just ‘ope I don’t murder ’em by accident like”

“Bollocks!”

“I love yer princess, and I’ll marry yer as soon as I get aht of the shovel and pick”

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5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen

“I ‘ate that Mr Darcy big time. ‘e’s such a flash monkey, with his big old gaff in the country and his diabolical, condescending attitude”

SPLASH!… *swim, swim, puff, pant, wheeze*

“Oh I dunno though. ‘e’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. ‘op on Mr D!

The End innit

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Classics #234. Double Bill Spectacular!

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A Precious pictured last night

 

THE LORD OF THE RINGS BY J.R.R.TOLKIEN

FRODO – Hello what’s this? What a nice ring! I’ll wear it around my neck on a chain just to be on the safe side.

GOLLUM – The Hobbitses have taken my precious!!!

GANDALF –  Our journey will be perilous and long, but if we do not succeed in our quest a great darkness will descend on Middle Earth and the world of Elves and Men shall be no more!

SAM – Throw it into the fire Mr Frodo! Throw it into the fire!!!

ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN – Thanks to the two Halflings the forces of darkness have been defeated and Middle Earth shall once more enjoy peace, fellowship and prosperity.

ALL – HUZZAH!

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT BY ERICH MARIA REMARQUE

THE END.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Clivey’s Heavily Edited Classics # Eleventy Five

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1 – War And Peace by Leo Tolstoy.

“Blimey that Napoleon’s a bit of a mouthy bleeder Ivan. I see trouble ahead mate”

BOOM BOOM BLAM BOOM KAPOW BIFF GNNNNNNNN!

“Christ thank God that’s over Katerina. Peace at last! Gissa kiss Treacle”

2 – Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens

“It’s a boy Mr Bumble. The mother died in childbirth the poor wretch”

“Bow to the board boy!”

“You gotta pick a pocket or two Oliver my dear”

“I’m your long lost grandad. Here’s a load of lovely lolly, now come and live in my big old drum in London”

3 – Moby Dick by Herman Melville

“I’m gonna get me that darn white sonofabitch if it kills me!”

AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *glub glub etc*

4 – Crime And Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevski.

“Blimey I’m skint again. I think I’ll go and turn over that curmudgeonly old money lender woman and her half daft daughter. I hope I don’t murder them”

“Doh!”

“I love you darling and I’ll marry you as soon as I get out of the nick”

5 – Pride And Prejudice by Jane Austen

“I hate that Mr Darcy big time. He’s such a flash monkey with his big house and condescending attitude”

SPLASH! *swim swim puff pant wheeze*

“Oh I dunno though. He’s not as bad as I thought to be fair. Hop on Mr D xxxxxxxxx”

to be continued ad nauseum until you all slump face first into the soup bowl…

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