Captain’s a log: Did Shatner deliberately harm Downing Street moggie?
Legendary Star Trek actor, William Shatner, last night strongly refuted allegations that he was responsible for Larry, the resident cat at number 10 Downing Street, sustaining an injury to its paw yesterday.
Shatner, famed for his wooden acting and stilted dialogue delivery, stands accused of injuring the creature while it was sharpening its claws on his leg during yesterday’s visit to Number 10, where he was discussing the new Star Trek Beyond movie with Prime Minister, Theresa May, a big fan of sci-fi movies in general and Star Trek in particular.
May spoke to reporters outside Number 10 last night: “Larry obviously thought William Shatner’s leg was as wooden as his acting and started sharpening his claws on it while we were chatting. I can only assume he picked up a splinter in his paw during the process. I love films about outer space, but that’s the last time I invite the fucker round here I can tell you that for nothing”
Shatner, 157, was back in Hollywood last night where he is playing a shed in a Martin Scorcese blockbuster about allotments. However, he spoke briefly to our reporter: “I completely deny deliberately injuring the Downing Street cat. I love animals, as you will be able to see if you watch episode 5112 of T. J. Hooker, where I play a wooden lean-to in a back yard that provides shelter to a litter of feral Alsatians”
Mr. Shatner has requested that his fee for this interview be donated to The Leonard Nimoy Grave Desecration League.
A few months ago I bought an old and battered, 1963, East German, Trabant motor vehicle at auction for a few pounds with a view to restoring it to its former glory.
Beneath the spare wheel I found a small cache of letters, bound with hemp gardening twine and bearing the post mark of the former Soviet Union.
I spent the next few hours reading them, and in the course of doing so, discovered that they were written by a Russian man from Vladivostok to his lover in the city of Petrograd in 1965.
How they came to be secreted beneath the spare wheel of the old, rusting wreck is a mystery to me. Perhaps she returned them to him after their love died, or maybe they were never delivered at all due to the chaotic nature of the postal service at that time. Whatever the facts of the matter, I found them rather uplifting and full of a kind of myopic hope for happier times and for an eventual fulfilment of their passion.
I should therefore, with your permission, like to reproduce them here for you throughout this week. Here is the first I read, dated December 24 1968:
My Most Darlingest Lyobochka
I am hoping most earnestly that you are well and that production is up in the glorious bomb factory. The weather here is being very kind for time of year. Last night was being just minus 30 deg Celsius, with periodic snow flurries, so Comrade Wife and I went for stroll to shops for new toilet brush and to collect Christmas ration of beetroot vodka. On way we bumped into Comrade Armski from Apartment Block #29. He told us toilet brush consignment was due in Spring but that we could borrow his. This is typical of the glorious and most noble spirit of our heroic neighbours. I will however report him to local party official in morning in case he is stealing brush from glorious communal toilet bloc.
It is with great sadness that I must be telling you that Comrade Cat is missing and has not been seen since last Tuesday. Despite the unseasonably mild weather I am most concerned. I am leaving saucer of turnip water outside door each night but it is remaining untouched.
How I long to rub industrial tractor grease onto your Soviet buttocks my most darlingest darling.
Apt. Bloc #27
A Dutch scientist pictured putting a brave face on it last night
Scientists from The Netherlands last night reported a resigned, disappointed silence across the entire country lasting well over 5 hours, a new world record, following Germany’s triumph in the World Cup final in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil.
The silence, which they claim began immediately after the final whistle, tops the previous record of four hours and fifty seven minutes previously held by Scotland after England beat West Germany to lift the trophy in June 1966.
A representative from The Netherlands Institute Of Science And Technology said last night “Look why don’t you just piss off? We don’t want to talk about it ok?”
In England however there was a huge upsurge in noise shortly after the match ended, believed to be due to thousands of women starting their car engines to take their cats to the vets to be treated for kick-related injuries.
Not doomed! The cat in question pictured shortly after an attempted drowning by it’s owner last night.
There were angry scenes outside the East London home of a 43 year old man last night when it was revealed that despite a worldwide campaign, his bastard cat was not going to be destroyed by a veterinary surgeon. Instead of which it is going to remain completely unscathed and allowed to carry on it’s mundane life pretty much as before.
The owner, who has asked to remain anonymous, told our reporter last night.
“I can’t begin to tell you how devastated I am at this news. I hate that bastard cat with a vengeance and so do my wife and kids. To be honest with you I’ll probably just kill the fucker myself and have done with it. I mean to say, all it ever does is lie around kipping in front of the central heating vent day in day out, and when it’s not doing that it’s shitting up the back garden. I’ll be doing us all a favour if you ask me.”
With this news coming hot on the heels of the revelation yesterday that a healthy young giraffe had been destroyed at a Copenhagen zoo, feelings amongst locals are running high, with a number of residents gathering outside the cat owner’s home armed with clubs and air rifles.
A female protester, who asked not to be named, told reporters.
“I simply cannot believe this decision. Once more it’s the triumph of petty bureaucracy over common sense and decency. Can these people not see that the only humane and decent thing to do is to destroy this poor creature without delay. At the very least they should have it turned out of the house so we can all give it a bloody good kicking”
The owner is now believed to be launching an appeal to the European Court, along with a plea to be allowed to cut his English Bull Terrier’s testicles off with industrial bolt croppers.
For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire