Tag Archives: BBC

BREAKING NEWS: BBC announce Children In Need replacement following shock withdrawal of Sir Terry Wogan

Jihadi-John

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November 13, 2015 · 08:21

Dave Lee Travis Groped Chimp Using A Hand On A Spring Claims Sir David Attenborough

dave lee travis

Convicted nonce, Travis, pictured in happier times. Probably on board a pirate radio ship or something.

 

More shame was heaped on disgraced BBC radio DJ, Dave Lee Travis, last night, as TV naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, made the claim that he once caught him fondling a juvenile chimp at one of the famous Chimp’s Tea Parties at London Zoo in the 60s, using an extendible hand on a spring.

Speaking at a black tie dinner at The Royal Geographical Society last night, Attenborough, 137, said.

“It was in 1967 and I was presenting Zoo Time in the absence of Dr Desmond Morris who was on holiday. I was sitting amongst a group of young chimps who were pouring tea over each other, pulling the cloth from the table and fighting over the biscuits. I noticed that one of the younger members of the group had become a little withdrawn and was rather detached from the activities. I thought perhaps it’s nappy needed changing so I went to pick it up.

“It was then that I noticed a large hand on a spring fondling it’s upper buttocks. The operator had pulled it’s nappy down, revealing the red, puffy bit around its arse.

“I immediately grabbed the hand and yanked on it hard. To my surprise Dave Lee Travis stumbled from some bushes with the operating device gripped in both hands. He seemed flustered, and when I challenged him he told me that he was “a tactile, huggy sort of person” and that it was “just a bit of fun”

“I later reported the incident to the then Controller Of The BBC who assured me that the board were well aware of Travis’s weakness for young primates and that it would be taken care of. Nothing ever came of it of course, so I can only assume it was swept under the carpet to protect the corporation’s reputation”

This latest revelation comes just weeks after another former BBC Radio One DJ, and the host of popular game show, Deal Or No Deal, Noel Edmonds, was arrested and charged with historical sexual abuse after the presenter of ITV’s The Wild Show, Michaela Strachen, claimed to have seen the 72 year old pleasuring himself in front of a tank containing baby Stick Insects at Bristol Zoo in 1995.

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BBC Test Card Girl. The No-Frills Tennis Coach The Pros Can Trust

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Dear BBC Test Card Girl

I’m a leading tennis pro whose career has taken a bit of a downturn recently. After a couple of highly successful years in which I won The US Open, an Olympic gold medal, and reached the pinnacle of every pro’s dream by winning the Wimbledon men’s final, I find myself in a bit of a slump and have slipped down the world rankings to No.5.

My all round game is still pretty solid and I feel I’m a match for any player on the circuit when it comes to ground strokes, lobs, volleys etc. My problem is solely related to my serve. I seem to have developed a kind of nervous tic after the ball toss and find myself freezing just before I strike the ball, or sometimes, even missing the ball completely and falling over. I suppose it’s akin to the pro golfer’s “yips” or the snooker player’s inability to deliver the cue when using the long rest. I’ve tried everything I can think of to overcome this one but to no avail. I’ve even asked my mum, a top coach and advisor to some of the greatest players in the world to help me, but she just asks me if I’ve got my vest on or if I’ve been eating my greens. The other day when I asked her if yoga or pilates might help loosen  the shoulder a bit, she just spat on a corner of her hankie and wiped around my chin.

In short I just don’t know where to turn BBC Test Card Girl, so I’m praying that you can call on your long experience of coaching some of the legends of the game and help me overcome this one. If not I’ll probably just throw in the towel and take on a role in the commentary box at Wimbledon or something.

Yours Faithfully

A. Murray

Great Britain.

 

Dear Mr Murray

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime here’s some music…

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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“I Was Never Abused By Rolf Harris” One Woman’s Shock Claim

Harris pictured leaving his home in disguise last night

There was a fresh twist in the ongoing saga surrounding entertainer Rolf Harris last night after a 54 year old woman made the claim that despite the fact that she was once an under-age girl, she had never been sexually abused by the star.

Mrs Janet Coyte, from The Isle Of Mull in The Inner Hebrides, makes the shock claim in a forthcoming BBC documentary which is poised to unmask the TV star as a serial abuser of girls as young as 9 during his long career as a popular showbiz icon.

In a shockingly frank interview, Mrs Coyte claims “I know that a number of other women have made allegations of being sexually abused by Rolf, but I can only speak for myself and I’m telling you that throughout my early teens he never once even so much as made an inappropriate remark to me, let alone tried to touch me intimately. I’ve always found him to be a perfect gentleman.”

Between bouts of sobbing she went on. “Yes I know I have spent my entire life on a remote Hebridian island hundreds of miles from where Rolf  is alleged to have committed these terrible acts, but that’s beside the point. If all these accusations are true then why didn’t he simply get the ferry from the mainland and subject me to a terrifying and traumatic ordeal when I was 13 or 14? It just doesn’t make any sense. I’m convinced his accusers are simply attention seeking mischief makers, determined to besmirch the name of a wonderful entertainer and a great man. I think it’s disgusting to be honest with you”

Mrs Coyte was unavailable for comment last night but it’s believed that she’s also prepared to categorically deny that foul-mouthed celebrity chef, Gordon Ramsay, ever told her that her cooking was “Absolute fucking shite.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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