Dear Soz Satire.
Americans. Put an immediate stop to the jihadist insurgency in Iraq by simply joining forces with ISIS. With your propensity to kill your own allies with friendly fire the war will be over in days.
Maj. Gen. Felicity Iron-Lung
PS. I’m allowed to tag this piece as “satire” because it’s using extreme irony tinged with bitterness to lampoon something that’s based on fact that I find ridiculous and not just trotting out formulaic old toot using people with “funny” names.
Mr Clancy pictured knowing his rights last night
A 57 year old man from Kentucky in The United States has taken out a lawsuit against a small pie and mash shop in the East End of London, claiming that he sustained neck trauma injuries, known as whiplash, following a visit to the eaterie in June of this year.
Mr Hal Clancy, who was visiting the UK as a tourist during the London Olympics, told reporters “I guess it was about two months after I arrived back home when I started to get a slight pain in the back of my neck. My wife Dolores told me it was just a little stiffness due to a change in the weather but I knew different. I was just as sure as hell that I was suffering from a delayed reaction from having to turn my head to give the waitress my order in that damn place. I know my rights and I intend to sue those limey sonsofbitches for every last cent. It’s not that we need the money, I just dont want anybody else having to endure what I’ve gone through. No siree.”
Tony Bayliss, 45, the proprieter of Alfie’s Pie & Mash Palace in Walthamstowe East London, responded “I don’t remember the gentleman to be honest with you. We had so many tourists last summer, what with it being The Olympics and everything. I’m sorry to hear that the poor bloke’s having problems but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to do with us. Perhaps he slept in a draught or something.”
When told that Mr Bayliss would be contesting the suit and that no other country in Europe would countenance such a spurious claim, Mr Clancy became angry and told our reporter “I dont give a damn what they do in California, the whole damn place is full of fags and communists anyway, this is Kentucky and I’m telling you I know my goddamn rights!”
This latest case come just three weeks after another American, Mrs Mildred Gugenheim from New Jersey, lost her case against a whelk stall in Bethnal Green, East London, after claiming a plate of winkles she ate there two years ago caused her depression and vaginal dryness.