Local man dismayed by the standard of the people that Facebook suggests he may know.

The Whitechapel Whelk

clive distorted Fed up. A visibly disappointed Mr Dell pictured last night

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has become increasing alarmed by the appalling physical appearance of some of the people that Facebook post to his timeline under the heading of “People You May Know”

Toby Dell, a plasterer’s hod carrier, told us: “You wouldn’t believe the state of some of ’em. The women are probably the worst. I was treated to one the other day who looked as if she’d been repeatedly smashed in the face with a frying pan.

“Would it be too much to ask that they vet some of these people before plastering them all across my page?

“There was a young kid of about 10 on there the other day who was so rank I mistakenly took him for being ex-New York mayor, Rudi Giuliani”

Facebook issued a brief statement last night:…

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Ask Spunky Woods: The Masturbation Guru to The Stars

The Whitechapel Whelk

spunky-woods

Dear Spunky

On a recent flight to China to visit my girlfriend, who I hadn’t seen in 4 months, I masturbated to completion in the toilet a couple of hours before landing.

The thinking behind it, was, that if I cleared the tubes before meeting up with her again, I would be able to last longer when we were in bed together later that day.

My worry now is that there were security cameras hidden in the toilet and that footage now exists of me pleasuring myself.

I did notice that a couple of the stewardesses were looking at me a bit oddly and were giggling together when I came out.

Please help if you can Spunky as I’ve been so worried I’ve barely had a wink of sleep since the incident took place.

Regards

Joel Clunge-Disorder
Watford Junction

*********

Dear Joel

As a masturbation guru and self-abuse counsellor…

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The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman. THIS WEEK: The Revenge of Chunder Woman!

The Whitechapel Whelk

stuporman and chunderwoman

It was a regular Saturday night in downtown Whitechapel. The bars and pubs were packed with revellers, letting their hair down after a long week on government hand-outs.

High in his eyrie above The Marquis of Granby public house in Whitechapel High Street, the drink-addled, crime-busting superhero, Stuporman, was staggering over to the fridge to get another can of Skol Special Strength.

Suddenly, the shrill scream of a woman rent the night air outside:

“Oh gawd blimey! It’s Chunder Woman, and she’s been drinking!”

Hearing the name of his arch nemesis, The Lush of Steel, felt every muscle in his body tense. He knew that there was no time to lose.

Racing to his Drinking Den of Solitude in the basement, our unsteady hero hurriedly downed 8 cans of Blackout super strength cider in readiness for the desperate clash of the alcohol-fuelled titans that he knew was about to come.

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My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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Local man held as bloggers get-together ends with 3 dead and 7 wounded

One from my partners-in-literary crime right here.

The Whitechapel Whelk

police scene of crime Police had sealed off the area outside the suspects home last night

A 53-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after 3 people were shot dead and 7 were hospitalised with serious gunshot wounds following a violent altercation at his home in Commercial Road.

All the dead and injured are believed to be contributors to the popular blogging site, WordPress, who had gathered at the man’s home for a meeting, where they were hoping to discuss their respective blogs and to swap ideas on writing and self-publishing.

We spoke to one man who attended the gathering and witnessed the carnage.

Toby “Novelist” Dell, an unemployed painter and decorator who writes a daily blog about surviving on benefits and has written 3 self-published books on car maintenance for single men and the pitfalls of sending money to Russian women, told us:

“Things were going great at first. Bloggers were…

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The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman! The Super-Sozzled Stumblebum of Steel

stuporman

What’s that smell?! Is it a turd? Is it a drain? No!…It’s STUPORMAN!

Super sozzled storyline by Jack Daniels, Jimmy Beam, Cherry B, and Captain Morgan
Booze-addled alcoholic artwork by ‘JIF’

It was a Saturday morning like any other in downtown Whitechapel. People were thronging the market in the warm spring sunshine as the stallholders lustily called out their wares.

High above the street, in his lofty, Drinking Den of Solitude above Carpetland, Stuporman was pouring his 10th pint of Tennant’s Super of the morning. Last night had been a particularly gruelling session on the lash and he knew that he’d need to get a decent skinful under his belt before attempting the short walk to The Beggar at opening time.

Suddenly, a woman’s shrill scream pierced the air “It’s a beer lorry! It’s out of control and it’s heading this way!”

Heaving himself from the battered old sofa, The Lush of Steel staggered to the window in time to see a speeding beer delivery truck hurtle past, the driver slumped unconscious in the cab.

Stuporman realised at once that there was not a moment to lose and reeled out into the street.

Using his super dog breath, he blew the careering vehicle from its collision course with the busy market, sending it crashing harmlessly into a nearby scrap yard.

Realising the danger still hadn’t passed, and that precious drinking time was being wasted, the sozzled superhero stumbled unsteadily towards the wreckage.

Using his super strength, he heaved two huge crates of Skol Special Strength from the back of the truck and settled down next to a wrecked Vauxhall Viva to tuck in.

A small child approached him nervously as he was tearing the ring pull from his 2nd can.

“Thank you Stuporman,” said the youngster falteringly “What would we do without you?”

“Struggling to focus on the small figure, Stuporman rose unsteadily to his feet.

“Are you starin’ at my pint?” he slurred. “I’ll take the fuckin’ lot of yersh! You’re me besht mate you are!”

NEXT WEEK: The Stumblebum of Steel battles against his old arch-enemy, Chunder Woman, as they fight over a job clearing the glasses and emptying the slop trays after last orders in The Blind Beggar

 

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President Assad “quite pleased” with haiku debut on WordPress

assad-wikicommons--620x436

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.

The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told  SoZ Satire:

“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.

“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”

Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.

Here is the piece in full:

I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.

Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.

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