DVD of England V Scotland World Cup clash receives muted reaction north of the border.

cullodon

Angry Scottish players surround the ref after a disputed penalty is awarded to England in the olden days

 
The DVD released by the English FA of last night’s World Cup clash between, “The Auld Enemies’, England and Scotland, which focuses almost entirely on England’s last-gasp equaliser and the reactions from England fans and coaching staff, has met with a less-than-enthusiastic response from soccer fans north of the border.
 
The 123-minute DVD, which features Harry Kane’s equalising goal and footage of jubilant England supporters at the final whistle, is padded out with a 2-hour documentary on England’s 1966 World Cup Final triumph over West Germany and features scientific proof that Martin Peters’ controversial third goal in the 4-2 triumph over the hapless Germans crossed the line by at least 3 feet.
 
One stockist of the DVD, Stephen Hamilton, who runs a small corner shop in Drumchapel, Glasgow, told us that sales of the DVD have been “a wee bit oan the slow side”
 
“I cannae tell ye exactly how many ah’ve sold because mah wee shop wus burrned doon in the night, so it wus”
 
In other news, Scottish hospitals reported a large influx of people suffering from heat exhaustion yesterday as the mercury soared to a blistering 4 deg Celcius in some of the more sheltered spots.

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Blogger’s book sales remain stagnant despite having added ‘Author’ to his pen name

The Whitechapel Whelk

A blogger on the popular WordPress website has told Soz Satire magazine that his self-published book sales have remained pitifully low, despite the fact that he has added the word ‘Author’ to his nom de plume.

Toby Author-Dell, 65, from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “When my self-published book was launched on Amazon in March this year I had such high hopes for its success.

“Hundreds of my WordPress followers had repeatedly told me of its merits in very glowing terms indeed, so my expectations of bumper sales were extremely high.

“However, it only sold 5 copies and those were to my wife and kids, and even they had to be bribed with a weeks holiday in The Algarve.

“I then noticed that a number of my fellow bloggers were adding a hyphenated description to their pen names, such as, novelist, poet, writer etc, so I decided to give…

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London reports record “Gawd Blimey!” outbreak in the wake of latest terror attack.

The Whitechapel Whelk

Cockneys_2-c-Museum-of-London A group of cowed and visibly shaken Londoners pictured last night after the attack

Following last night’s terror attack in the London Bridge area, London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan, has told an emergency press conference, that in the hour following the attack the utterances of the exclamation “Gawd blimey” reached unprecedented levels.

Mayor Khan told newsmen: “It is now estimated that there were close to 5 million Gawd blimeys shortly after the attack.

“I urge my fellow Londoners to keep their Gawd blimeys to a minimum in the event of further attacks as we don’t want these terrorist johnnies to think we’re rattled.

“I would suggest that a single “Stroll on!” or a slightly surprised, “Strike a light!” would more than suffice in future.”

Unconfirmed reports are coming in to The Whelk, that in Whitechapel, exclamations of: “Fuck ’em”, and requests to: “Stick the bloody kettle on Treacle, I’ve got a…

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Olly Murs offered entire branch of Whitechapel Women’s Institute £5 to sit on his big face claims Chairwoman

The Whitechapel Whelk

olly memeThe Chairwoman of the Whitechapel branch of The Women’s Institute has made the shock claim, that, pop icon, Olly Murs, offered her five pounds in cash if she would arrange for the entire 200 strong branch to sit on his huge face simultaneously at his luxury flat in nearby Wapping.

Mrs Tracy Dell, 54, a housewife and former world speed crocheting champion, told The Whelk.

“Olly Murs approached me after a branch meeting last Wednesday and asked for a word in private.

“We went to a local teashop where he paid for a pot of tea and a plate of coconut macaroons.

“He seemed very nice at first and we chatted about cookery, needlecraft and dealing with persistent groupies.

“Then he offered me five pounds if I would arrange for the other ladies to come to his flat on Friday and sit on his massive face all at the same…

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Local man dismayed by the standard of the people that Facebook suggests he may know.

The Whitechapel Whelk

clive distorted Fed up. A visibly disappointed Mr Dell pictured last night

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has become increasing alarmed by the appalling physical appearance of some of the people that Facebook post to his timeline under the heading of “People You May Know”

Toby Dell, a plasterer’s hod carrier, told us: “You wouldn’t believe the state of some of ’em. The women are probably the worst. I was treated to one the other day who looked as if she’d been repeatedly smashed in the face with a frying pan.

“Would it be too much to ask that they vet some of these people before plastering them all across my page?

“There was a young kid of about 10 on there the other day who was so rank I mistakenly took him for being ex-New York mayor, Rudi Giuliani”

Facebook issued a brief statement last night:…

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Ask Spunky Woods: The Masturbation Guru to The Stars

The Whitechapel Whelk

spunky-woods

Dear Spunky

On a recent flight to China to visit my girlfriend, who I hadn’t seen in 4 months, I masturbated to completion in the toilet a couple of hours before landing.

The thinking behind it, was, that if I cleared the tubes before meeting up with her again, I would be able to last longer when we were in bed together later that day.

My worry now is that there were security cameras hidden in the toilet and that footage now exists of me pleasuring myself.

I did notice that a couple of the stewardesses were looking at me a bit oddly and were giggling together when I came out.

Please help if you can Spunky as I’ve been so worried I’ve barely had a wink of sleep since the incident took place.

Regards

Joel Clunge-Disorder
Watford Junction

*********

Dear Joel

As a masturbation guru and self-abuse counsellor…

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The Alcohol-Fuelled Adventures of Stuporman. THIS WEEK: The Revenge of Chunder Woman!

The Whitechapel Whelk

stuporman and chunderwoman

It was a regular Saturday night in downtown Whitechapel. The bars and pubs were packed with revellers, letting their hair down after a long week on government hand-outs.

High in his eyrie above The Marquis of Granby public house in Whitechapel High Street, the drink-addled, crime-busting superhero, Stuporman, was staggering over to the fridge to get another can of Skol Special Strength.

Suddenly, the shrill scream of a woman rent the night air outside:

“Oh gawd blimey! It’s Chunder Woman, and she’s been drinking!”

Hearing the name of his arch nemesis, The Lush of Steel, felt every muscle in his body tense. He knew that there was no time to lose.

Racing to his Drinking Den of Solitude in the basement, our unsteady hero hurriedly downed 8 cans of Blackout super strength cider in readiness for the desperate clash of the alcohol-fuelled titans that he knew was about to come.

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