Meghan Markle to hand in her guns at The Lord Mayor’s office in pre-wedding ceremony

The Whitechapel Whelk

Suits-Meghan-Markle-Hair-Rachel-Zane Meghan pictured being a mite too onery earlier this week

Prince Harry’s fiance, American actress, Meghan Markle, will hand in her twin, pearl-handled Colt 45s and her scattergun to The Lord Mayor of London in a solemn pre-wedding event just an hour before she ties the knot with Harry at Windsor Castle on May 19.

Meghan, who regularly practices her ‘gunplay’ by shooting cans off her back fence and putting holes through silver dollars tossed into the air by Prince Philip, is believed to be upset at parting with her beloved ‘shootin’ irons’ but understands that the move, which has been instigated by advisors to the Royal Family, is a sensible one in case she and Harry have a row and she ends up filling him full of lead.

It is believed that Meghan is also unhappy at an earlier Palace directive which stipulates that she must tie her horse…

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Trump’s face on a hot cross bun cured my dandruff: Local woman’s shock claim

The Whitechapel Whelk

nintchdbpict000315155377 Bunderful. A hot cross bun indulging in some innocent locker room talk last night

From our currant affairs editor, Danny Soz

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman has made the astonishing claim that her chronic dandruff, which has plagued her since early childhood, has now completely cleared up, due, to what she believes to be, the miraculous healing powers of a likeness of US President, Donald Trump she spotted in a hot cross bun.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of 4, told newsmen: “I arrived back from Lidl last Friday and decided to eat one of the hot cross buns I had bought earlier.

“To my surprise, the face of Donald Trump was clearly visible in the corner of one of them. There was no doubt about it. Two of the currants were his eyes and a burnt orangey section at the top was his hair.

“Almost immediately, a bright light…

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Local woman escorted from pub following impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion shocker

The Whitechapel Whelk

1911-Suffragettes Unruly women getting ideas above their station in the olden days

A 27-year-old woman had to be led from The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace on Saturday afternoon after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the side were showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and escorted Ms Dell from the premises amid boos and catcalls.


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Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

This Week: Tina Turner – Nutbush City Limits


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The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

The Whitechapel Whelk

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evening all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be a fraught, and even perilous business from time to time, but it does have its advantages too.

Take the opposite sex for example. Everyone knows that the ladies have a soft spot for a man in uniform and police officers are no exception.

Last Wednesday, I was having a few quiet drinks in the pub over the road from the station after a particularly gruelling shift when an attractive blonde came in and made a beeline for me.

We got chatting, and after we’d had a few more pints and 5 or 6 doubles, she invited me back to hers for a nightcap.

Once we got back to her flat she told me she was going to nip into the bedroom to slip into something more comfortable.

I realised at once that time was of the essence and…

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Company launch online, masturbation by proxy site for tired executives

The Whitechapel Whelk

man-feeling-tired-at-work Are you spent before you’ve spent? Then this site could be for you

An enterprising company in Whitechapel in East London yesterday launched an innovative new venture, offering an online masturbation by proxy service for business executives, both male and female, who are too exhausted to pleasure themselves after a hard day in the office.

Dell & Dee Ltd, who operate from an industrial unit in Tobacco Dock, announced the launch of their site yesterday afternoon.

CEO, Sofia Dee, told The Whelk: “Many high-powered executives are simply too exhausted to bring themselves to a climax after a taxing day at work, so we are hoping our Tug4U service will bring them some relief, so to speak.

“All the client needs to do is log on to the Tug4U site and one of our helpful staff, who are online 24/7 including bank holidays and Christmas Day, will masturbate on their…

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Formula 1 to introduce ‘Grid Cockneys’ in 2018 season

The Whitechapel Whelk

The-Sweeney-2012-Ray-Winstone-Ben-Drew-Plan-B Sorted! Two ‘grid cockneys’ pictured last night practising for The Monaco Grand Prix

Following their decision to scrap the traditional ‘grid girls’ this season, F1 bosses have announced, that in the 2018 season, cars will line up on the starting grid alongside men who were born within the sound of the bells of St Mary Le Bow church in the City of London.

These ‘grid cockneys’ will still hold umbrellas to shade drivers as they sit in the cockpit, but instead of the traditional skimpy clothing that made their predecessors such a colourful and popular spectacle at races throughout the season, the men will wear West Ham football shirts, colourful neckerchiefs, Levi Sta-Prest trousers and trilby hats.

Formula 1 CEO, Chase Carey, welcomed the move last night: “We think it’s a great idea. These chirpy London lads will be a colourful addition to the grid, and as long as they…

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