Lionel Ritchie: My wife kicked me in the groin during recording of Easy Like Sunday Morning

The Whitechapel Whelk

Pop legend, Lionel Ritchie, has revealed that he was kicked hard in the testicles by his wife during the recording of his 1977 smash it, Easy Like Sunday Morning, after she had discovered that he was sleeping with the bass player.

In an exclusive interview, Ritchie, 97, told us: “I was getting towards the end of the recording and was taking a rest from the vocal just before the final fancy guitar break.

“At this point, my wife came storming into the studio and kicked me hard in the balls.

“She was raging and calling me a lowlife and a fag sonofabitch. I doubled up in pain and only just recovered in time to complete the closing vocal, although, if you listen carefully, you can absolutely tell that I went up to a higher key for the last knockings.

“When we played it back, the producer decided to leave the…

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May 6, 2018 · 06:00

Being kicked in the testicles far more painful than childbirth claims think tank

The Whitechapel Whelk

kick in the balls OOOYAAH! A classic ‘eye-waterer’ being delivered by a lady with super-powers in space

A government think tank report published yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby.

Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given a really meaty kick in the testicles while their pain level was being monitored on a special machine designed specifically for the task.

“We then asked them if the pain and distress they experienced was worse than childbirth, and without exception, they all agreed that it was indeed far worse.

“We didn’t ask any women for their comments because, as we all know, they are notoriously prone to exaggeration and for laying it on with a trowel to gain sympathy”

These findings…

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The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Pro-Leftist Political Propaganda

The Whitechapel Whelk

This week we focus on the burgeoning bromance between Mr Trump and his new best buddy, Kim “Rocket In My Pocket” Jong-un.

trump & kim meme

Next week we examine the growing friendship between ex-New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani and popular good-time girl, Stormy Daniels

Picture and caption supplied by SoZ Satire incorporating The Whitechapel Whelk. Under no circumstances follow them here:

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Serial blogger blissfully unaware that nobody noticed his week-long absence

The Whitechapel Whelk

thFrom our unpalatable truth correspondent, Danny SoZ

A long-term contributor to the blogging site, WordPress, spent yesterday completely oblivious to the fact that not one of the people who follow his blog has noticed that he hadn’t posted for 7 days due to an accident at work.

Toby Dell, 51, has published a 1000-word piece chronicling his daily life, both domestic and in the workplace, every day since he registered in 2011.

However, after breaking his arm in a fall at work he has been forced to take a week off blogging while the bone knits together.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter, Dell told us: “It’s been tough not being able to post at the same time every day. It’s become a huge part of my life and something I can never envisage ever giving up.

“However, it’s my followers I feel I must apologise to. They must be wondering…

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Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man’s penis

The Whitechapel Whelk

tv guide A TV guide believed to be similar to the one that appeared on Mr Dell’s cock

The Vatican is set to beatify a Whitechapel man after last Tuesday’s BBC TV listings appeared on his penis.

Toby Dell, 52, a forklift truck mechanic from Vallance Road, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder

“I couldn’t believe it,” he told The Whelk. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic.

“They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn’t on it, probably because it’s on cable.

“I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare

“It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next.”

The Vatican now plan to have Mr Dell beatified…

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Survey: 99% of people want wedding vow-renewers to be whipped to death

The Whitechapel Whelk

flogging Lash some sense into ’em. Dealing with a vow-renewer in the good old days.

A recent study by The University of Swansea has found that 99% of the people who responded to their nationwide survey would be in favour of having people who renew their wedding vows whipped to death in public.

Professor Tobias Dell, PhD, whose team conducted the survey, told newsmen, “Our findings were utterly conclusive. Ninety-nine percent wanted these people whipped to death and the remaining one percent think that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

“People were overwhelmingly of the opinion that these individuals are attention-seeking dullards who are trying to kid themselves, as well as their family and friends, that their marriage is so idyllic that they want to go through the whole wretched process again, when in actual fact, their lives and their marriages are in utter shit state but they don’t…

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