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Whelk Exclusive: Olly Murs pulled out of Olympic parade after ‘big face’ jibe.

olly meme A furious Murs pictured earlier

The management team of pop icon, Olly Murs, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that the star pulled out of performing at the Manchester Olympic and Paralympic parade last Monday after overhearing a parade organiser making fun of his big face at a fundraising dinner the night before the event.

It was previously thought that Murs had pulled out in a row about a late set change, but a spokesman for Murs’ team confirmed that the Heart Skips A Beat singer withdrew after he heard a Manchester city councillor call him ‘a moon-faced git’ while chatting to some friends at the bar in City Hall.

“Olly was disgusted by the remarks this individual made about his big face and decided to pull out of the show,” the spokesman told us. “Olly is fully aware that his fans will have been disappointed by his decision, but he…

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Trump Claims Victory After Not Grabbing Clinton’s Pussy During TV Debate



“Don’t even think about it mister!”


In the aftermath of the latest bitter presidential debate, beleaguered Republican nominee, Donald Trump, has claimed victory over his Democratic Party rival, Hillary Clinton, and has told the media that he has conclusively demonstrated his suitability for office by not grabbing her pussy during the live TV debate.

Trump told reporters last night: “I think I have proved beyond all doubt that Donald J Trump is the right man to lead this great nation by not grabbing Hillary’s pussy or making any other type of sexual advance during the debate.

“I didn’t even try to kiss her for Pete’s sake. Although, you can be pretty damn sure she wanted me to. When you’re a star, women almost demand that you come on to them sexually, and you can bet your life Hillary’s just like all the rest. Especially if she’s anything like her old man was when he was in office.”

Mrs Clinton hit back furiously last night: “The sheer arrogance of this man is breathtaking. The last thing on my mind during the debate was being kissed or having my pussy grabbed by Donald, whatever he may think to the contrary. Not even Bill is permitted to do that sort of thing while I’m campaigning and we are both more than happy with that arrangement”

A spokesperson for the TV studio that staged the debate told us: “Initially we were a little apprehensive. We were afraid that Mr Trump might grab Mrs Clinton’s pussy at some point, especially if she started winning the debate.

“In order to try and prevent this, we positioned the two rostrums a good distance apart, so if Mr Trump moved towards Mrs Clinton, and if one of our security staff considered that he was going to grab her pussy, he would have sufficient time to wrestle him to the ground and hold him until the cops arrived.”

The current race for The White House is thought to be the most acrimonious since the Nixon/Kennedy struggle in 1960 when Nixon accused JFK of dropping his pen under the table during a TV debate so that he could look up Nixon’s trouser leg.


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1960s Sporting LegendsWho Suffered With Constipation Issues

THIS WEEK: Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris. Chelsea FC.


NEXT WEEK: England goalkeeping legend, Peter Shilton drinks a bottle of prune juice and goes to a scary movie in an effort to shift a particularly stubborn rocket.

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The Whelk’s TV Choice


CHANNEL 5 18.15: Now That’s Funny. – Entertaining fly-on-the-wall documentary which features footage of Simon Cowell suffering a crippling bout of diarrhoea and sickness on a crowded beach, and of Donald Trump being run over by a spiked steamroller…twice.

MORE 4 21.00: Hitler: The Rise and Fall – Fact-based drama chronicling the events of 21 August 1944 when the beleaguered Fuhrer got up to turn the television over and tripped over Eva Braun’s handbag

TCM 21.00: The Big Red One. – A biopic based on the life of porn movie legend, John Holmes. Includes the famous scene in which Holmes cavorts with two female ‘estate agents’ in a rundown property and gets his penis caught in a mouse trap.

QUEST 21.00: World’s Biggest Shipbuilders – Roly Poly Radio London host, Vanessa Feltz, gets a job as a riveter in a Glasgow shipyard

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People of Aleppo Make Joyous Preparations for ‘World Smile Day’



“C’mon! Give us a little grin you old buggers!”


There were scenes of unbridled joy and excitement in the besieged Syrian town of Aleppo last night, as what remains of its population began excited preparations for World Smile Day, which is traditionally held every year on the first Friday in October.

One clearly overjoyed resident, Mahmoud Shari, could barely contain his excitement as he  told us: “Last week I lost my wife and two of my three children during a Russian airstrike on our home, and then, yesterday afternoon, my remaining child was blown to pieces by a land mine. So, as you can imagine, I was feeling at a pretty low ebb at this point. Then, somebody reminded me that today is World Smile Day, and it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

“Now, I can’t wait to get out into what’s left of the street and give a big cheery smile and a wave to anybody who’s still alive after yesterday’s bunker bomb strike by government forces. Well, nobody likes an old sourpuss do they?”

In other news, people in the United Kingdom will celebrate World Smile Day by reflecting on the appointment of Diane Abbott as Shadow Home Secretary, and remembering yesterday’s altercation in Brussels when a UKIP member of The European Parliament was punched in the face and knocked out by one his colleagues.

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Bat Can and Rob Tin: Whitechapel’s Dynamic, Crime-Busting Tins of Beans

bat can & rob tin meme

It was 7.00am on a chill October morning in Commercial Street Whitechapel. Intrepid crime-busting duo, Bat Can and Rob Tin, were in a state of high vigilance on one of the top shelves at Dipak Patel’s Asian Goods Convenience Store, keenly aware that a number of break-ins and assaults had occurred in the area recently.

As Mr Patel was filling shelves at the rear of the store, two men wearing dark hoodies entered and began wandering through the aisles. Bat Can noticed that one of the men had what looked like the handle of a baseball bat protruding from his sleeve.

With every sinew straining to breaking point, and with their nerves stretched taut as piano wire, the crime-fighting duo looked on as one of the men suddenly dashed to the till and began emptying the takings into a holdall, while his partner with the bat seized Mr Patel by…

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Spunky Woods: Whitechapel’s Masturbation Guru to the Stars

Basic CMYK

Dear Spunky

I’m an extremely famous Hollywood movie star who has recently been through a very public split with my wife, who is also a movie icon as well as a committed civil rights campaigner.

The thing is, since our break up I’ve been feeling pretty frustrated sexually, as my wife – although a total pain in the ass in many ways – is an extremely attractive woman and our sex life was varied, exciting, and fulfilling.

My problem is, every time I try to pleasure myself, I spot one of the paparazzi hiding in some bushes or in a parked car opposite. They even send drones over my property so I can’t even have a hand shandy in my shed like other dudes.

Please help me if you can Spunky as I’m getting pretty tense and my plums have swollen up like soccer balls

Kind Regards

Sumptuous Spread

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I Pushed Beach Bat Up Northerner’s Bottom on Holiday Isle, Whitechapel Man Tells Court

beach-bat Exhibit A in the so-called Beach Bum Incident.

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel in East London, yesterday told a court that he forced the handle of a plastic, table tennis-style bat into the back passage of a 45-year-old man from Leeds in Yorkshire, following a dispute on a Gran Canarian beach last week.

The accused man, Danny Soz, a floor moulder at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, told a court in Las Palmas, the island’s capital: “I was lying on the beach with my missus, trying to sleep off a hangover. I was just dozing off when I heard this northern bloke shouting the odds and acting the giddy arseole. He then started playing beach tennis with his old woman, and at one point, their ball landed right next to my towel.

“I admit I had a few choice words with the bloke and may have been a bit sweary, but I…

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The Whelk’s Classic Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: The Rolling Stones: Honky Tonk Women


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Facebook Man Changes Avatar to ‘frail-looking’ Roger Moore ‘to be on the safe side”

roger-moore-the-saint Mr Kelly pictured taking no chances last night

A man from Whitechapel in East London has changed his Facebook avatar to a picture of Roger Moore as ‘The Saint’ after noticing that the octagenarian star was looking a bit frail.
Jed Kelly, 58, told us: “I noticed Roger was looking a bit two bob on the telly the other day, so I’ve changed my avatar in case he pegs out at some point in the not too distant future. I mean to say, it pays to be on the safe side doesn’t it? I don’t want to get caught out like I was when Grizzly Adams snuffed it.”
Mr Kelly, unemployed, has changed his avatar to a pic of a dead celebrity 157 times since he opened his account in 2001. “I’ve paid my respects to the lot,” he told us. “Mr Spock, David Bowie, Lemmy out of…

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