Category Archives: Spoof

FBI crack Vegas shooting riddle thanks to Youtube. Prince Philip held!

tinfoil twat

Tinfoil twat: A typical Youtube conspiracy genius pictured last night

 
The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
 
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
 
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
 
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.

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Soz Satire’s 1960s London Gangland Meme Of The Day

krays with mum

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September 17, 2015 · 03:54

Letters To Soz

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Dear Soz Satire

What a complete waste of money for NASA to spend millions on developing Teflon so that it can be used on non-stick frying pans.

Surely in the zero gravity conditions of outer space sausages etc will just float out of the pan anyway. They’d have been far better employed developing something to make them stick!

Harriet Hymen

Jupiter

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Jane Austin-Morris. No Nonsense 19th Century Relationship Counsellor

jane austin-morris

 

 

Dear Jane

Please help me I beg of you for I find myself in the most parlous of states. I fear that my very sanity will be at stake if you cannot bring me succour in this most distressing of matters.

I am but a simple country girl, low born and of yeoman stock. I was raised in a rather pretty cottage on the Yorkshire moors called Wuthering Heights with my parents, my brother Hindley and an adopted foundling, Heathcliff.

As the years passed my affection for my adopted brother grew into a deep and passionate regard. He grew to become a taciturn and even a cruel man on occasion but my love for him deepened and flourished for all that.

Following a bitter quarrel one evening, during which I spitefully lied about my love for another gentleman, he stormed out into the night, disappearing from my life for many years.

During his absence I married another. A well born kindly gentleman of a most gentle and trusting mien. Although I held my husband in great affection I could not forget my first and most enduring love. During those long nights when my husband held me in his embrace it was Heathcliff’s arms that enfolded me and his warm lips that were pressed to my own.

Just as I had begun to believe that I had lost him for good, he returned! He had made a great fortune overseas and has now purchased my former home, my beloved Wuthering Heights where he now resides with my sister, Isabella, whom he uses most cruelly and in the most base manner imaginable.

Despite this I ache for his embraces and yearn for him to come to me and for him to make me his own. My heart is being torn asunder and I am at my wit’s end. I beg you to counsel me in this matter my dearest madame for I fear that if I can’t have him I shall have no recourse other than to put an end to my forlorn and loveless existence on this earth.

Yours Imploringly

Cathy

Yorks.

***********************************************

Dear Cathy

Try feigning a life-threatening ague and take to your bed. Then simply get a servant girl to summon the gentleman to your bedside under the pretext of attending your imminent death. As soon as he bends over your wan, feverish body, pretend to have some kind of fit and throw off all the bedclothes affording him a cracking view of your tits and growler. After a couple of days have passed, pretend to have recovered and then summon him back to your bed chamber for a rattling good bunk up.

I wish you every success and the utmost health and happiness for the future.

I remain your most humble confidante madam

Jane.

Jane and a myriad of other odious characters can now be found in the April issue of this disreputable rag.  http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire So don’t delay, give it a miss today! 

 

 

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Filed under Humour, Personal, Satire, Spoof

Ask Brains. The Fabricator, Welder, Wrought Iron Specialist And Thunderbird Puppet The Stars Rely On.

brains

“We also do panel beating and MOT failures”

 

 

Dear Brains

The wife and I are thinking of having some ornate, wrought iron panels made so they can be bolted between the piers of the new brick wall we’ve just had built around our Hollywood residence.

I know you’re very busy at the moment so perhaps you could let me know if you and your work colleagues could take the job on. My good lady and myself are most anxious to use your services as we know that your company’s reputation is second to none.

Your prompt reply would be greatly appreciated.

Yours faithfully

Spencer Tracy

Dear Sir

W…w…we…we…we…we’re not gonna make it!!!!  M…m…m…m…Mister Tracy!

All the very best for the future

Brains.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Epic Movies In Cockney #657 Ben Hur

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Benny gives Jesus a luvlee cup o’ splosh just before them Roman bleeders nail the poor cow’s son up for the night

Benny Boy – Blimey Messala I love knocking about with you old son. You’re me best china plate and no error!

Messala – Oi! Did you just bung a roof tile at my Uncle Ned you mug? You’re going down for that squire!

10 Years Later

Benny Boy – Gawd strewth! This old galley slave game’s absolutely diabolical! I wish some Thracian pirates or some fuckers like that, would attack our boat so I could get up on me toes and save Jack Hawkins from drowning.

Quintus Arrias (Jack Hawkins) – Blimey what a result! Thank gawd you was on the scene Benny boy! I thought I was brown bread back there son! Come back to my gaff and I’ll adopt you as me boy and make sure you get kitted out in some top of the bastard range shmutter. I’ll even sort you out with a tidy little piece of blart  if you play yer cards right. Know what I mean geezer?

A Couple Of Years Later

Benny Boy – Stroll on Sheik! I don’t fink I’ve ever seen a more blindin’ bunch of donkeys in all my natural! Any danger of takin’ em for a spin round the old arena and that?

Sheik Ilderim – Yeah fuck it, go on then sheriff. Tell you what geezer, I’ll stick a few sovs on yers to win and we’ll tuck up that flash monkey Massala while we’re about it.

Benny Boy – Sweet as squire! Could end up as a tidy little earner for the pair of us, know wot I mean guvnor?

A Week Later And A Few Laps Into The Race

Benny Boy – Fuck’s sake! That liberty taking toerag Massala keeps stripin’ me ‘arris with his bleedin’ whip! With a bit of luck he’ll take his eye off the ball and end up getting run over by one of these other mugs.

Massala – Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Benny Boy – Back of the fucking net!

A Few Years Later, Back At Benny’s Drum

Benny Boy – Ullo mum! Ullo sis! Blimey you’re looking well! The last time I clocked the pair of yers you were in shit state! You had boils all over yer boats and gawd knows what fucking else! This has gotta be darn to that Jesus geezer. What a toff! I’m gonna stop bein’ a right lairy bleeder and follow in ‘is footsteps and that!

Mum –  You know it makes sense Treacle. Now give yer old mum a kiss fer gawd’s sake yer soppy little toerag!

The End.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Classics #234. Double Bill Spectacular!

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A Precious pictured last night

 

THE LORD OF THE RINGS BY J.R.R.TOLKIEN

FRODO – Hello what’s this? What a nice ring! I’ll wear it around my neck on a chain just to be on the safe side.

GOLLUM – The Hobbitses have taken my precious!!!

GANDALF –  Our journey will be perilous and long, but if we do not succeed in our quest a great darkness will descend on Middle Earth and the world of Elves and Men shall be no more!

SAM – Throw it into the fire Mr Frodo! Throw it into the fire!!!

ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN – Thanks to the two Halflings the forces of darkness have been defeated and Middle Earth shall once more enjoy peace, fellowship and prosperity.

ALL – HUZZAH!

ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT BY ERICH MARIA REMARQUE

THE END.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

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Conan The Aryan Barber. A One Act Play For Voices And White Supremacists.

“Anything for the weekend sir?”

Scene One. A small gentleman’s barbers shop in London’s East End. A slightly built, bespectacled, middle-aged man enters and is approached by a heavily muscled figure in a loin cloth, gripping a double-sided axe in his right hand.

Conan – Greetings stranger, on what business do you enter these portals?

Man –  I’d like a short back and sides with not too much off the top please. Oh and do you stock Jamaican Bay Rum scalp rub at all? It’s so difficult to get hold of these days.

Conan –  *Lets out loud bellow and whirls battle axe around head*  BY THE AVENGING HAMMER OF MIGHTY THOR HIMSELF! YOU DARE ENTER THE DOMAIN OF CONAN AND MAKE REQUEST FOR AN ELIXIR FAVOURED BY THE ACCURSED, FOREIGN-BORN WOG???  I’LL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS YOU SNIVELLING WRETCH!

Man –  Look I really am most dreadfully sorry! I didn’t mean to cause any offence sir. I just wondered if…UNH! *thud*

Conan –  So dies another sworn enemy of the noble Aryan race!  Let all who enter here bear witness to this deed and behold his stricken body so that they too may learn the folly of darkie idolatry. I swear by the beard of great Odin himself that I will not rest until I, Conan, have spilled the last drop of their racially tolerant blood and heard in the distance the cries and lamentation of their women!

Curtain Falls.

Next Week:

Conan extends his murderous quest to include dwarves of colour. “Short blacks, they hide!”

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Soz Satire’s Heavily Edited Children’s Classics #23,987. The Famous Five by Enid Blighton

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Three normal children pictured with a dog-carrying lesbian last night.

 

Five Go Off To Smuggler’s Cove.

Scene 1 -Great Uncle Quentin’s Remote Clifftop House

“I say you lot. Isn’t it absolutely spiffing that it’s the summer hols and we’re spending the time with Great Uncle Quentin at his remote house on a cliff, which rather handily, overlooks the mysterious Smuggler’s Cove which nobody in the village will talk about?”

“I’ll say it is Julian! You really are an absolute brick for bringing us here. HUZZAH!”

“Yes he jolly well is and as I’m the tomboy in the group who will no doubt become a complete lesbian before I’m very much older, I’m hoping that we’ll become embroiled in an absolutely wizard adventure involving smugglers and the like. HUZZAH!”

Later

“I say everybody, what are those mysterious lights out at sea about a mile offshore from Smuggler’s Cove? I wonder if it’s some criminal types up to no good!”

“Yes I do believe it’s a gang of ruthless smugglers Dick. Probably a bunch of blackies from Africa or suchlike. I’m going to jolly well call the police!”

“HUZZAH!”

Scene 2 – At the police station

“Thanks to you kids we’ve managed to foil a ruthless plot to smuggle diamond watches into England and we’ve got 5 darkies safely behind bars. Sgt Wilkins will take you to the canteen for that and what’s more the food’s on us”

“HUZZAH! Do they serve cold ham and tongue sandwiches and lashings of ginger beer/”

“Don’t be so fucking ridiculous! You’ll have egg, chips and beans and bloody well like it!

HUZZAH!

The End.

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Filed under Satire, Soz Satire, Spoof, Uncategorized

Dorking Woman Saves Town From Flood Catastrophe Using Son’s Breakfast Cereal.

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Wapping Dock in East London pictured last night after a worker swept in some deck crumbs from a tanker carrying a consignment of Weetabix

A 23 year old single mother from the sleepy, backwater town of Dorking in Surrey, was being hailed as a hero last night after she single-handedly saved the town from a potentially catastrophic flood disaster using her 6 year old son’s nourishing breakfast cereal

Jade Tracy, a petite blonde divorcee, who has lived in the town all her life, told reporters how she first hit upon the idea of using one of her child’s Weetabix biscuits to stem a raging torrent of flood water that was threatening homes and businesses during the powerful storm that ravaged large swathes of the south of England yesterday.

“It was quite funny actually” she told us from her neat home in Jackson Road, “I was getting Toby’s breakfast ready as usual. Weetabix is his favourite so I was doing that for him. I then noticed how incredibly absorbent the biscuit thingies were. I only gave him one and a half and yet I had to pour over 3 litres of milk on them just to moisten the edges a bit.

“I then started to wonder if they’d be any good against the floods that loads of my neighbours have had to put up with lately. Some of them haven’t been able to live in their houses since before Christmas you know? It’s been absolutely dreadful it really has.

“Anyway I put Toby in his buggy and we went down to the bridge in the high street. I threw one of his Weetabix into the River Dork that keeps bursting it’s banks, and just waited to see what would happen really.

“Within less than a minute the whole river and all the flood water from the shops had gone. All that was left was the Weetabix biscuit which had swollen up a bit.

“I couldn’t believe it to be honest. I thought it might have soaked up a few thousand gallons but to do all that was amazing. I was well chuffed and called my mum straight away to tell her”

Delighted residents are now planning a civic reception for Jade and little Toby, but the mayor told us it will have to take place after road gangs have finished removing the concrete-like Weetabix residue from nearby roads and buildings with pneumatic drills.

For more utter drivel of a similarly appalling standard please visit http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

OUT NOW! Our fabulous Valentine’s Day issue. It’s heartbreakingly unfunny!

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Filed under Humor, Humour, Soz Satire, Spoof