Category Archives: Showbiz

“Wooden” William Shatner Denies Injuring Downing Street Cat

 

william shatner

Captain’s a log: Did Shatner deliberately harm Downing Street moggie?

 

Legendary Star Trek actor, William Shatner, last night strongly refuted allegations that he was responsible for Larry, the resident cat at number 10 Downing Street, sustaining an injury to its paw yesterday.

Shatner, famed for his wooden acting and stilted dialogue delivery, stands accused of injuring the creature while it was sharpening its claws on his leg during yesterday’s visit to Number 10, where he was discussing the new Star Trek Beyond movie with Prime Minister, Theresa May, a big fan of sci-fi movies in general and Star Trek in particular.

May spoke to reporters outside Number 10 last night: “Larry obviously thought William Shatner’s leg was as wooden as his acting and started sharpening his claws on it while we were chatting. I can only assume he picked up a splinter in his paw during the process. I love films about outer space, but that’s the last time I invite the fucker round here I can tell you that for nothing”

Shatner, 157, was back in Hollywood last night where he is playing a shed in a Martin Scorcese blockbuster about allotments. However, he spoke briefly to our reporter: “I completely deny deliberately injuring the Downing Street cat. I love animals, as you will be able to see if you watch episode 5112 of T. J. Hooker, where I play a wooden lean-to in a back yard that provides shelter to a litter of feral Alsatians”

Mr. Shatner has requested that his fee for this interview be donated to The Leonard Nimoy Grave Desecration League.

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SOZ SATIRE’S WONDERFUL WORLDWIDE WORLD OF WONDERS

michael caine pie n mash

You know that Michael Caine the actor bloke? Well, did you know that he suffers from a rare condition that prevents him from eating anything other than pie and mash? If he eats anything else his body reacts so violently it almost kills him. His mum gave him a sausage sandwich when he got home from school once and they had to get the priest in to give him the last rites. Fortunately, a doctor gave him a plate of pie and mash and he recovered almost instantly. Absolutely true that is. A geezer down the pub told me.

Next week in SoZ Satire’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Wonders: David Cameron’s sudden pork allergy.

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OLLY MURS SET TO HOUSE 20,000 SYRIAN REFUGEES ON HIS GREAT BIG FACE

olly

“I gotta big face”

British pop icon, Olly Murs, announced last night that he will house 20,000 Syrian refugees on his enormous face over the next 6 months. It is believed that they will be offered temporary accommodation on various parts of Murs’s face, with the majority being housed on his gigantic, spam forehead.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night, but his mother, Enid, 97, told reporters: “Olly has always had a strong social conscience, so when he read about the plight of these poor souls he immediately offered to use his absolutely massive dial to give some of them a safe haven until they can find somewhere more permanent. His father and I are so proud of him. We both knew that his gigantic mug would come in handy one day”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by BBC London FM presenter, Vanessa Feltz, that she is having a 10,000-bed temporary hospital for refugees built on one of the cheeks of her enormous arse.

In other news: The leader of the far-right United Kingdom Independence Party, Nigel Farage, has announced that he’ll be staging a 5000 strong “Send Them All Back” rally at the southern port of Dover inside his great big mouth.

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Justin Bieber Voted “Most Torturable Celeb” By London Gangsters

justin

In a survey of London’s underworld, it has emerged that Canadian pop sensation, Justine Bieber, is the celebrity that gangsters would most like to subject to torture.

 Bieber, 11, just pipped  smarmy pop entrepreneur Simon Cowell, and  aggravating, oily fuck, Piers Morgan, in the poll, which took in over 300 pubs and illegal gambling dens in the heart of London’s notorious East End.

One of the hoodlums polled, “Maltese Billy” Drago, told us: “It was a pretty tough choice to be perfectly honest with you. I mean to say, there’s just so many irritating arseoles to choose from. I was pretty torn between the prospect of giving Simon Cowell a good striping with a butcher’s knife, or the opportunity of crucifying Piers Morgan on a snooker table. In the end though, I just had to go with Bieber. The boy’s absolutely crying out to have his Niagras crushed in a vice while his teeth are being yanked out of his mouth with a pair of mole grips”

 A spokesperson for Bieber’s record company said last night: “Justin’s understandably a bit upset to discover that he’s the celeb that London’s underworld most want to hospitalise, but at the same time he fully accepts that it’s the price that sometimes has to be paid for being such an irritating, talentless, little turd”

To discover the identity of the annoying, female pop sensation the Mafia would most like to garotte in a seedy New York bar why not visit?

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire

WARNING: May contain piano wire, bum notes, and severed jugular veins.

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Ninety Five Per Cent Of Men Think Hugh Grant And Colin Firth Are Good Fighters Claims Survey

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Grant and Firth’s infamous street rumble. Photo by Popular Homosexual.

 

A poll, conducted amongst British men between the ages of 18 and 65 by the Office Of National Statistics, has revealed that at least 95% of the men surveyed thought that the decidedly shambolic, low key, fight between Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in the movie, Bridget Jones’ Diary, was “a right good tear-up” and mirrored the man-to-man  tussles they had experienced themselves, while 5% thought that the two protagonists fought “like a couple of big girlies” and should have used weapons of some description.

A parallel survey, conducted amongst women in the same age group, revealed that 3%  thought they “ought to know better”, 37% said that, had they been present,they would  have shouted out “Just leave it Hugh/Colin. He’s not worth it!”; while the remaining 60% said they would “cheerfully drink their bath water”

The Press Association

 

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Benedict Cumberbatch To Star In Everything

cumberbatch

A ubiquitous twat pictured last night

Well, it had to happen one day I guess. If you’d like to learn more about how the irritating, TV and movie ever-present is to feature in every single moving picture-based production for at least the next 5 years, why not visit:

http://sozsatire.wix.com/soz-satire#!a-cumbersome-role/ccsx

It’s not one of my greatest efforts admittedly, but it was done with real feeling 🙂

And now… here’s the weather for the week ahead with Benedict bastard Cumberbatch! 😦

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Judy Finnigan Apologises For Raping Footballer Live On Air

 

judy finnigan

Finnigan looking visibly aroused as she is pictured leaving a West London police station last night

 

Former ITV presenter, Judy Finnigan, has issued an apology for raping a 25 year old footballer live on air in yesterday’s edition of the Loose Women programme.

Finnigan, 112, subjected Sheffield United striker, Ched Evans , himself a convicted rapist, to a prolonged and brutal attack, during which her visibly upset co-presenters repeatedly threw buckets of water over her and made a number of failed attempts to pull her off.

In a statement to reporters from outside her home in Wimbledon, South London, Finnigan said

“I should like to apologise for raping Mr Evans live on air yesterday. It was a spur of the moment thing and not something I’m particularly proud of. I just hope my many fans will stand by me, and that I’ll be allowed to get on with presenting Loose Women for at least a couple of weeks or until my case comes up in court”

This latest incident comes just a few months after her husband, Richard Madeley, also 112, was charged with lewd conduct in a public place after he was spotted masturbating in his local Shell garage by the girl at the cash desk.

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