Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.
Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.
Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.
Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”
An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.
A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.
Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.
“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”
Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.
In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin
Tinfoil twat: A typical Youtube conspiracy genius pictured last night
The Federal Bureau of Investigation last night announced that they have arrested and charged, The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, with the mass shootings in Las Vegas on October 1, after an agent spotted a link posted by a member of the public on Youtube which pointed the finger at the 90-year-old husband of Her Majesty The Queen.
An FBI spokesman said last night: “If only we’d looked on Youtube earlier. I just wish it had been around at the time of The Boston Strangler, we’d have saved an awful lot of time and effort and no mistake.
Scotland Yard are now also believed to be looking at Youtube footage and have already established that Bruce Forsythe was Jack The Ripper and that Margaret Thatcher’s nan was the fearsome, Beast of Belsen.
If you’re a slow-witted, overly-excitable dullard with a crackpot theory on the solution to any really tricky unsolved crimes during the last century or so, post your thoughts on Youtube so that the rest of us can all have a bloody good laugh and a point at your expense.
Extreme right-wing political activist, Nigel Farage, has announced plans to stage a march on The Houses of Parliament at the end of the month to protest against what he sees as a softening of government resolve to bring about a so-called, ‘Hard Brexit’
In what is being dubbed, The One Million Bigot March, former UKIP leader, Farage is calling on feeble-minded racists throughout the country to voice their protests at the government’s recent procrastination over whether or not to push the country over a cliff into what is widely believed to an economic abyss.
Speaking on his LBC radio phone-in show, Farage was in combative mood: “I’m calling on every fair-minded and patriotic Briton to join me on a march to demonstrate to parliament the will of the people of this great nation.
“This isn’t the time for carefully-considered and pragmatic decision-making. This is the time for us all to charge over the precipice like swivel-eyed lemmings”
Farage then flew to Germany where he was a guest speaker last night at a torchlit rally to celebrate the birthday of The Beast of Belsen
I wrote this as a counter to one of the most unintentionaly hilarious, misguided, and pretentious pieces of old bollocks it has ever been my misfortune to encounter in the language of Shakespeare.
The Art of Blogging by Danny SoZ
1: Write any old shit
2: Visit other blogs containing shit just as bad, or even worse, than your own literary effluent
3: Lavish the ‘writer’ with praise, so risibly over-the-top, they will begin to think you’re in the throes of orgasm
4: Wait a few hours for reciprocal bullshit
Danny Soz is the managing editor of The Dunning-Kruger Syndrome Gazette
Filed under Humour, Satire
There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval
Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.
“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.
“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”
When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”
In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.
Filed under Humour, Satire