Category Archives: Satire

Government launch urgent Grenfell Tower fire investigation after Chelsea woman reports soot stains on her net curtains.

 

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A blot on the landscape. Grenfell Tower pictured upsetting the neighbours yesterday

 

Prime Minister, Theresa May, has ordered a top-level enquiry into the causes of the devastating fire that raged through 27 floors of Grenfell Towers in North Kensington yesterday after the wife of a venture capitalist complained to her local authority that soot and small fragments of burnt debris from the fire had collected on her net curtains.

Mrs Mary Fotherington-Smythe, 52, told reporters gathered outside her home in Cheyney Walk, Chelsea, last night: “The Filipina girl had just washed the nets and hung them at the window to the billiards room when I noticed that some sooty smuts had been blown onto them from that blasted fire up the road in the poor area.

“It really is not good enough and I have complained personally to The Lord Mayor of London who expressed his concern and has informed the Prime Minister.

“It’s bad enough that my husband and I were kept awake half the night by all the fire engines and ambulances that were going to the aid of these wretched people.

“I don’t wish to appear heartless, but if these individuals didn’t wish to be incinerated in their homes they should have moved to somewhere decent like Reigate in Surrey.

“We have friends there in actual fact and you never hear of them having to endure fire debris and the burnt remains of their neighbours soiling their net curtains”

In other related news, firefighters continue to search the still smouldering building for more bodies. The present death toll is 12. A figure that is expected to rise significantly as the grim search continues.

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My dead babies are with Catweasle now, says Syrian mother of slain family

 

catweasle

Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night

 

A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.

Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.

“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.

“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.

“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”

Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.

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President Assad “quite pleased” with haiku debut on WordPress

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President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.

The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told  SoZ Satire:

“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.

“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”

Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.

Here is the piece in full:

I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.

Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.

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Amnesty calls for urgent enquiry as stewards force Arsenal fans to watch 2nd half

arsenal fans

Human rights group, Amnesty International, have called for an urgent enquiry into the behaviour of stewards at last night’s London soccer derby between Crystal Palace and Arsenal following reports that they allegedly manhandled a number of Arsenal fans and prevented them leaving the ground at half-time as their team were being humiliated 3-0 by their South London rivals.

A spokesman for Amnesty told us: “I’ve witnessed some terrible human rights abuses in my time, but nothing compares to this.

“It was an act of sheer barbarism to make those poor devils sit through another 45 minutes of watching their team play like a bunch of mincing tarts.

“I certainly think there’s a case for this one to be brought before The Court of Human Rights”

Beleaguered Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, told a press conference last night. “It sounds like the stewards were far too heavy-handed in their dealings with our supporters, although, personally, I didn’t see the incident as I fucked off home after 15 minutes”

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Furious Trump to play golf for 2 weeks in honour of Syrian gas attack victims.

The Trump International Golf Links Course Opens

 White House press secretary, Sean Spicer, last night told a press briefing that President Trump was so outraged by yesterday’s gas attack on civilians by Syrian government forces he has taken the decision to abandon his official duties for 2 weeks so that he can dedicate the time to playing golf in Mar A Lago in Palm Beach as a mark of respect for the dead.

“The President was so upset and angry last night when he heard the news.” Spicer said. “He told me right there and then that he’d ordered Airforce One to be fuelled and made ready for a golfing trip to Palm Beach where he told me that he’d play for 2 weeks solid – stopping only to eat, drink and sleep – in honour of those who lost their lives. He feels that it’s the least he can do”

In other news, vice president, Mike Pence, has told a press conference that wounded victims of the attack will be offered treatment in American hospitals, if they can afford it, or if they have United States medical insurance and can prove they’re not terrorists.

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ITV viewers statistically less likely to be able to rub their tummies and talk at the same time, says report

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An ITV viewer pictured last night

A recent in-depth report into Britain’s TV viewing habits has found that people who watch ITV on a regular basis are far less likely to be able to perform simple tasks, such as rubbing their tummies and talking simultaneously, or of spelling fairly rudimentary words, such as; ‘dog’ and ‘a’

The report has also found that people who watch shows like The X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent are statistically far more likely to be fat and ugly and to have voted for Brexit.

Soz Satire asked people to write to our news desk with their reaction but we received no response, although we did get a few rather nice drawings of dinosaurs and people’s mums in the garden done in green crayon.

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100 per cent of self-published writers will go to the grave blissfully unaware of their desperate lack of talent, claims report

A recent report has found that an astonishing 100 per cent of people who have handed over cash in exchange for having their work published by an opportunist bandit with a nifty line in flattery, will die in total ignorance of their own ineptitude and desperation.

The study, carried out by Cambridge University, goes on to point out that the prior publishing of excerpts of the work in a blog or online magazine where it attracts glowing praise from others is not a sign of the writer’s brilliance, but is a direct result of the writer in question having spent countless hours trawling through reams of similarly hideous copy from fellow bloggers, advising them that they are the next Hemingway or Virginia Wolf.

We spoke to a representative of the popular blogging site, WordPress, where many of these delusional individuals regularly churn out their literary effluent, who told us.

“Yes, we are well aware that these people are remarkably inept and that they will take their final breath blissfully unaware of the true horror of their output, but they’re not doing any harm and it lines our pockets very nicely indeed, thank you very much.”

The report can be seen in full on the WordPress blog: “My Fantastic Report and How I Never Allowed My Dream of Getting the Wretched Thing Published Die.

 

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