Becks and The Queen pictured at this year’s Royal Variety Performance
In a surprise move, soccer legend, David Beckham, has revealed that when Prince Philip dies he will divorce his wife, Victoria, and marry the widowed monarch as long as he is crowned King as part of the deal
Speaking to Men’s Health magazine, Becks, 67, said: “Let’s face it, Prince Philip’s in shit state these days and looks pretty likely to topple off the perch at some point in the very near future.
“I’m therefore going to divorce my missus and step into the void left by the Duke.
“I realise it’s a lot of responsibility and that I’ll have to open art galleries and shit like that, but it’ll be worth it to become the 2nd King David after that bloke in the Bible.
“I’m just hoping The Queen won’t expect me to have sex with her too often.
“I mean to say, she’s getting on a bit these days and is way past her best, although I would definitely have given her one in her younger days, if I didn’t have a match the day after of course.”
Meanwhile, fears are growing about the ailing Duke’s condition as reports are coming in that he has now gone three days in hospital without insulting any of the foreign staff.
Wild scenes in the Bridgton district last night as England fever takes hold
With England’s World Cup clash with Tunisia just 24 hours away, the city of Glasgow was last night awash with England flags as a state of fevered anticipation gripped the whole of Scotland
Barely a car can be seen without a St George’s cross flag fluttering proudly from the roof, and in districts like Govan and Maryhill, entire blocks of flats are swamped with flags and daubed with messages of support for Gareth Southgate’s boys.
We spoke to one resident of a tower block in The Gorbals that had been lit up with red and white lasers last night.
Tobias McDell, 53 and unemployed, told us: “Ah havenae known anything like it ah swear tae God. It’s like the spirit o’ ’66 has taken hold o’ the entire nation.
“Ah cannae imagination the joy in this city if yon England boys come hame tae Britain wi’ the cup.
“There’ll be celebratory rammys and slashin’s across the entire city ah’m thinkin’. Aye the streets o’ Glesga wull be flowing wi’ the claret and the Bucky oan the day they England boys dae the country proud!
In other news, England supporters south of the border have taken a more sedate viewpoint, with many grimly preparing to beat up their wives after a really good spanking from Tunisia.
A group of Palestinians on their way to lean on fences last night. Picture courtesy of The Netanyahu Bugle
A 40-year-old Palestinian man was shot dead by an Israeli sniper yesterday afternoon as he leaned against his fence while tuning in his radio to a soccer match commentary.
Ahed Bassem, who lived and worked in Glasgow for 12 years, was reportedly tuning in to live commentary on the match between his adopted club, Partick Thistle, and fellow strugglers, Dundee United, when he was struck by 3 bullets fired by an Israeli Defence Force sniper about 1000 metres away on the eastern border of The Gaza Strip.
An IDF spokesman told newsmen last night: “This was clearly an act of provocation on the part of this individual.
“He was almost certainly leaning against his fence in order to break it down before making a dash for the perimeter fence, putting Israeli forces and civilians at great risk
“I defy any country to say that they would not have done the same thing given the circumstances.
“The soldier who fired the shots had no choice. Israel must defend its borders and territory at all costs.
“In any case, Thistle lost again so we were probably doing him a favour”
This latest incident comes just 7 days after an Israeli helicopter gunship strafed a Palestinian market, killing 17 and injuring 200, amid Israeli government claims that a Hamas fighter had been spotted at a stall buying a can of tinned peaches in syrup which he could have later used as a projectile against Israeli children in a school 125 miles away.
Filed under Humour, Satire
Donald Trump’s former close friend and political advisor, Steve Bannon, has sensationally disclosed that the president habitually has a light snack at around 4.00pm, usually a boiled egg with soldiers or a round of white toast and Nutella, before saying goodnight to White House staff and going to bed at 5.30.
Trump then reads to his comfort blanky – usually passages from his favourite book, Budgie The Little Helicopter by The Duchess of York – and then snuggles down for his ‘sleepies’ at around 6.00am.
Bannon also reveals that Trump keeps the door locked from the inside in case his wife Melania comes in and demands, ‘special huggles’, a practice he has always found particularly difficult according to close family and friends.
Trump is reportedly furious at these revelations and took to Twitter in the early hours: “The failing loser Steve Bannon has it wrong yet again. Last night I stayed up to watch Bonanza at 8.00pm and didn’t go to bed with Blanky until half past. Also, I didn’t read Budgie last night. We had, Five Go To Smuggler’s Cove instead. Although, I had to stop at the scary bits in case Blanky did panty plops in the night again. Sad!”
An alternator pictured last night. Notice how the MMR jab has completed fucked the commutator.
A 27-year-old mother of 5 from Whitechapel in East London has blamed the fact that her mother was given a smallpox vaccination in 1975 for a recent alternator fault on her Renault Megane which was found to be due to a faulty diode.
Mrs Mary Dell, a health food shop assistant, told us: “I put the blame for this firmly at the door of the NHS. If they hadn’t tried to make my mum autistic by giving her an injection to ward off smallpox none of this would have happened.
“They’re plain evil and won’t be happy until their so-called life-saving vaccines have turned all our kids into complete mongs and there’s not a properly functioning car left on the road.”
Avid homoeopathy practitioner, Mrs Dell’s children were taken into care last month after she persisted in treating their congenital liver disorders by making them eat boiled grass.
In other news, the President reveals he has an invisible ass: “I can’t even find it with both hands” he tells Vladimir Putin