There was widespread condemnation for the owner of Arsenal football club last night following his announcement to the press that, from next season, the club will be staging illegal dog fighting during the half-time interval
Owner, Stan Kroenke, who has already fuelled outrage with his recent plan to introduce an app linked to his TV channel MOTV which features big game hunting, told newsmen: “This football club has a proud tradition of combativeness on the field of play, so what better way to emphasise that than to have a few pit bulls having a bloody good scrap at half-time.
“It’ll give the fans a chance to wind down with a bit of sport and a bet along with their half-time pies and Bovril.
“Arsenal football club didn’t get to make 4th place in the league its own without being innovative on and off the park”
When a reporter pointed out that the club actually finished 5th last season, Kroenke bristled and snapped “Well maybe if we’d had some blood sports at The Emirates a bit sooner the players might have shown a bit more fight on the park”
In what is being seen as a copycat move, North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur, yesterday announced plans to replace the customary cheerleader display before kick-off with an hour of Argentinian bullfighting.
Filed under Humour, Satire
It is understood that a collection of unpleasant, right-wing demagogs are in advanced talks about a making a full-length, all-singing, all-dancing musical about the tragic youngster, Charlie Gard, whose parents lost a battle to have the child flown to America for treatment this week despite cautionary warnings of its futility from the most respected paediatric specialists in the world at London’s iconic, Great Ormond Hospital For Sick Children.
According to widespread rumours, Daily Mail boss, Paul Dacre has joined forces with fellow newspaper mogul, Rupert Murdoch, to produce an extravaganza based on the short and tragic life of Charlie and the constant heroic battle fought by his parents to remain in the media spotlight while refusing to face clinical facts with regards to their doomed child.
At the time of going to press it is understood that the controversial media personality and columnist, Katie Hopkins, has been approached to play the child’s mother, while ex-UKIP leader and close friend of Donald Trump, Nigel Farage has already begun singing lessons and has accepted the role of the dad.
In other related news, Charlie’s parents are due back in court today pleading for a few more days in the media spotlight, where they hope to be further feted by the right-wing press and greeted with more supportive chanting outside the court building and hospital from people with extremely low IQs.
A 50-year-old, diesel fitter from Whitechapel in East London has made the claim that a tin mug that he bought from a local store last week is from outer space and is made from a substance unknown to man.
Toby Dell, a divorced father of 8, told journalists: “There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my new mug comes from somewhere in outer space.
“As soon as I got it home and had a drink of tea out it I knew that this was no ordinary mug and that it must have come from another planet or even a different galaxy.
“I took it to the science museum for analysis, but they refused to do it and told me to go away.
“They obviously realised that it was an extra-terrestrial mug and didn’t want the news getting out in case it got people worrying about an alien invasion in the future”
Mr Dell is the 2nd person to have made rather outlandish claims in recent weeks. On 3rd June, a taxi driver from neighbouring Bow told his boss that Brexit had nothing to do with inherent racism amongst the older generation and that Donald Trump was going to make America great again
Filed under Humour, Satire
A blot on the landscape. Grenfell Tower pictured upsetting the neighbours yesterday
Prime Minister, Theresa May, has ordered a top-level enquiry into the causes of the devastating fire that raged through 27 floors of Grenfell Towers in North Kensington yesterday after the wife of a venture capitalist complained to her local authority that soot and small fragments of burnt debris from the fire had collected on her net curtains.
Mrs Mary Fotherington-Smythe, 52, told reporters gathered outside her home in Cheyney Walk, Chelsea, last night: “The Filipina girl had just washed the nets and hung them at the window to the billiards room when I noticed that some sooty smuts had been blown onto them from that blasted fire up the road in the poor area.
“It really is not good enough and I have complained personally to The Lord Mayor of London who expressed his concern and has informed the Prime Minister.
“It’s bad enough that my husband and I were kept awake half the night by all the fire engines and ambulances that were going to the aid of these wretched people.
“I don’t wish to appear heartless, but if these individuals didn’t wish to be incinerated in their homes they should have moved to somewhere decent like Reigate in Surrey.
“We have friends there in actual fact and you never hear of them having to endure fire debris and the burnt remains of their neighbours soiling their net curtains”
In other related news, firefighters continue to search the still smouldering building for more bodies. The present death toll is 12. A figure that is expected to rise significantly as the grim search continues.
Catweasle pictured during happier times before he was pronounced dead last night
A 27-year-old Syrian woman, whose 5 children were killed during a Russian airstrike on a school close to her home in Damascus in March this year, has told of the comfort she has gained from the knowledge that her beloved young family have now been joined by the actor, Catweasle, who died last night at his home in Margate in Kent aged 104 following a short bout of illness.
Mrs Fatima Al-Nafissi whose children were aged between 4 and 10, wept as she told SoZ Satire: “My life was destroyed when my babies were taken. I lost all hope and was just existing from day to day, waiting for Allah to take me too so that I could be with them again.
“Then, last night on the news, I saw that Catweasle had died and it felt as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
“The knowledge that he is with my children now, watching over them, and maybe doing some of his magic tricks to make them smile is so comforting to me.
“Now, I feel ready to face life again and it’s all down to Catweasle being dead. I am truly blessed”
Later on today, Mrs Al-Nafissi will join thousands of other bereaved Syrian mothers in a minutes silence as they remember Catweasle and the role he played in all their lives and how his passing will bring them a semblance of comfort at last.
President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has declared himself “quite pleased” after his maiden haiku poem attracted over 500 ‘likes’ from fellow bloggers.
The murderous despot, who has the blood of thousands of innocents on his hands, told SoZ Satire:
“It was very gratifying to get so many likes on my first day, especially after a few of my generals had spent so many hours trawling through countless useless blogs, making laughably over-the-top comments, such as “wonderful!” and “brilliant” on quite literally hundreds of risible pieces of literary tripe.
“I must admit, this has really lifted my spirits after all the criticism I’ve been getting lately for gassing the peasants”
Assad’s piece, which was described by one enthusiastic fellow blogger as “an absolute triumph” was a thinly-disguised swipe at United States president, Donald Trump, who upset the Syrian leader last week by bombing one of his airfields.
Here is the piece in full:
I don’t like Mr Trump
He is a chump
And on his head,
I’d like to dump.
Editor’s Note: This piece of satire in no way infers that people with lots of followers and likes are, for the most part, inept writers who aren’t averse to toadying up to similarly ungifted souls in order to have their own literary offal lauded to the skies in return. Oh dear me no. What a ridiculous notion. That’s right out that is.
Filed under Humour, Satire
Human rights group, Amnesty International, have called for an urgent enquiry into the behaviour of stewards at last night’s London soccer derby between Crystal Palace and Arsenal following reports that they allegedly manhandled a number of Arsenal fans and prevented them leaving the ground at half-time as their team were being humiliated 3-0 by their South London rivals.
A spokesman for Amnesty told us: “I’ve witnessed some terrible human rights abuses in my time, but nothing compares to this.
“It was an act of sheer barbarism to make those poor devils sit through another 45 minutes of watching their team play like a bunch of mincing tarts.
“I certainly think there’s a case for this one to be brought before The Court of Human Rights”
Beleaguered Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, told a press conference last night. “It sounds like the stewards were far too heavy-handed in their dealings with our supporters, although, personally, I didn’t see the incident as I fucked off home after 15 minutes”
Filed under Humour, Satire